It’s about time I featured another horror movie, my most beloved of genres, on It’s Not Shit. It’s been almost two years since the last one. And that one was nowhere near as gripping as It Follows.
Which is almost as gripping as a big, strong man holding you down while putting chloroform in your face before giving you a lecture on a hell demon he’s just given you via his penis.
I think I’ve finally given up on caring about this season.
Yeah, Dell murders someone. But that should be the bare minimum level of excitement for a horror show. Not the episode’s major perk.
At least Bette’s got some swish new hair.
Elsa teaches us this episode that the best way to regain the trust of your doubting flock is to string your main critic up and throw a knife into his gut, then purposely and obviously neglect to call medical attention and wait for him to die.
That oughtta restore their faith in you, baby.
Yes, it’s dull and redundant.
But it’s still good enough to keep me going.
I just can’t resist a good old “poisoning someone to dupe them into thinking they have a fatal illness.”
WARNING: Extremely biased review incoming. If you’re only here to get your I Just Hate Everything fix (I can dream), then I implore you to ignore me wanking on about my “feelings” and skip down to Reasons to Hate. Otherwise, come walk through the fire with me.
So I think I better start off with a bit of sourness before I completely lose all my dignity.
I saw the trailer for this movie when I went to see Twishite: Breaking Bladders Part are-you-fucking-kidding-me-they-made-it-into-2-movies. And I was not convinced. It looked like another overindulgent teen movie that was all about how, like, high school is totes the most important time of our lives evar Lolz #yolo.
And yes, that element does creep through every now and then.
But The Perks of Being a Wallflower is the only movie this year, and definitely in a long time, that has actually made me feel something for longer than 5 minutes after watching it.
It’s been almost 24 hours, and I still can’t get it off my mind. And that’s an accomplishment. What, with all the porn and vidya games us kids have these days.
I was going to just write down a bunch of “HAHAHAHA.”
However, I feel like that would only express the condescension in my laughter, and not the overwhelming incredulity that I actually feel.
After watching Rock of Ages, I honestly can’t believe what I just experienced.