It’s finally over. And for all my venom and bluster against this show over the years, there will be no gravedancing like there was with PLL.
Sure, even right to the very end this episode is full of plot contrivances and last minute twists that come out of nowhere. But amid all that, Once Upon a Time, much like it has for almost its entire run, found the one true thing within it all:
Bonnie’s pain is a tiny consolation prize to the rest of this pointless, sappy episode.
Maybe season 7 will pull a reverse season 5, and have its second half come in to save its so-far abysmal first?
No, instead of killing Scary Spice, or getting his obligatorily tragic backstory, we get Lily’s obligatorily tragic backstory.
About how Giuseppe Salvatore, her husband, and father to Damon and Stefan, was a turd.
Which we already knew.
But Lily desperately needed those Abused Wife points, huh?
Yes, The Vampire Diaries is finally making the textbook teen soap opera play of having a pregnancy arc.
But sorry, Ginger. It’s not you.
It’s Caroline and Alaric, of course. Who else would it be?
No, you legacy Bonnie/Damon shippers will have to settle for Mystic Falls’ newest WTF relationship (in the flash forward, anyway): Bonnie and Enzo.
Goddammit, Bonnie. We all know Enzo is destined to finally get all up in Caroline. Stefan clearly can’t hold onto a woman, so it’s inevitable.
Get your witch butt out of the way.
And so it begins. Just like the worst parts of the Twilight movies, we must endure period flashbacks to the previous lives of the resident vampire family.
And we already did that (and are still doing that, dammit) with the Original vampires.
Enzo doesn’t want to be one of Lily’s Heretic children.
Because he wants to bang Lily.
Caroline really missed her window on this one.