No, instead of killing Scary Spice, or getting his obligatorily tragic backstory, we get Lily’s obligatorily tragic backstory.
About how Giuseppe Salvatore, her husband, and father to Damon and Stefan, was a turd.
Which we already knew.
But Lily desperately needed those Abused Wife points, huh?
No, you legacy Bonnie/Damon shippers will have to settle for Mystic Falls’ newest WTF relationship (in the flash forward, anyway): Bonnie and Enzo.
Goddammit, Bonnie. We all know Enzo is destined to finally get all up in Caroline. Stefan clearly can’t hold onto a woman, so it’s inevitable.
Get your witch butt out of the way.
And so it begins. Just like the worst parts of the Twilight movies, we must endure period flashbacks to the previous lives of the resident vampire family.
And we already did that (and are still doing that, dammit) with the Original vampires.
Enzo doesn’t want to be one of Lily’s Heretic children.
Because he wants to bang Lily.
Caroline really missed her window on this one.