Poltergeist (2015) – CBF Review
“We’re getting paid for this, right?”
There isn’t a whole lot to say about this new Poltergeist. It’s an inferior, CGI-laden remake of a horror classic.
At least Rooney Mara isn’t here to stink up this one.
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Open Windows – CBF Review
Sasha Grey’s boobs, especially. They’re out there, already.
I only saw this movie for two reasons:
- I wanted to see if Elijah Wood could follow up Maniac, and become a bonafide Scream King;
- And I plan to finally get around to watching Unfriended soon, and thought this would be a warm-up/proof-of-concept for the exciting new subgenre of “all on the screen” horror movies.
I was disappointed in both departments.
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The Salvation – CBF Review
Sorry, Mads.
Two of television’s biggest horror show stars unite in an atmospheric, brutal, modern western?
Sign me the fuck up.
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The Amazing Spider-Man 2: Rise of Electro – CBF Review
Don’t fuck with the original.
So the unnecessary sequel to the unnecessary reboot.
In an effort not to make an absolute fool of myself like I did on my review for the last Amazing Spider-Man, I’ll be keeping this one short.
Because I may not erase my mistakes, but I do run from them at every opportunity. I’m brave like that.
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Devil’s Due – CBF Review
A demon-impregnated girl’s gotta do what a demon-impregnated girl’s gotta do.
I think the Devil’s due to have a better movie than this watered-down, unoriginal schlock.
At least it’s shorter than that endless, unbearable marathon of a Rosemary’s Baby redo with Zoe “I just wanted a holiday to Paris” Saldana.
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Machete Kills – CBF Review
Strap-on cannon dicks have a lot of uses. Improving your career may not be one of them.
I really wanted this to be good.
And it really, really wasn’t.
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Curse of Chucky – CBF Review
That knife totally isn’t compensating for something.
I remember the Chucky movies were pretty scary growing up.
Until they devolved into comedy-only shadows of their former selves.
Sadly, this attempt at a gritty return to form misinterpreted “gritty” as “boring, standard slasher movie.”
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The Haunting in Connecticut 2: Ghosts of Georgia – CBF Review
“And I’m not even black. God!”
Another post, another CBF Review for a horror/thriller film.
Maybe I’m not really a fan of the genre, and my whole film fan identity is a lie?
Or maybe this is just a mediocre sequel to a mediocrity-straddling (apart from the radiant Virginia Madsen) original?
It’s the latter. I’m sure.
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Star Trek Into Darkness – CBF Review
I don’t think Spock suffers from the same indecision.
I thought you might want some more aliens tonight.
Hot ones, this time.
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Dark Skies – CBF Review
If only it were that simple.
I only watched it because Keri Russell is in it and The Americans is finished for the season.
I got what I came for.
I Just Hate Everything 
