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Poltergeist (2015) – CBF Review

Poltergeist Sam Rockwell Rosemarie DeWitt

“We’re getting paid for this, right?”

There isn’t a whole lot to say about this new Poltergeist. It’s an inferior, CGI-laden remake of a horror classic.

At least Rooney Mara isn’t here to stink up this one.

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Open Windows – CBF Review

Open Windows Elijah Wood boobs Sasha Grey

Sasha Grey’s boobs, especially. They’re out there, already.

I only saw this movie for two reasons:

  1. I wanted to see if Elijah Wood could follow up Maniac, and become a bonafide Scream King;
  2. And I plan to finally get around to watching Unfriended soon, and thought this would be a warm-up/proof-of-concept for the exciting new subgenre of “all on the screen” horror movies.

I was disappointed in both departments.

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The Salvation – CBF Review

The Salvation Eva Green Mads Mikkelsen Penny Dreadful Hannibal

Sorry, Mads.

Two of television’s biggest horror show stars unite in an atmospheric, brutal, modern western?

Sign me the fuck up.

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The Amazing Spider-Man 2: Rise of Electro – CBF Review

The Amazing Spider-Man 2: Rise of Electro Green Goblin face

Don’t fuck with the original.

So the unnecessary sequel to the unnecessary reboot.

In an effort not to make an absolute fool of myself like I did on my review for the last Amazing Spider-Man, I’ll be keeping this one short.

Because I may not erase my mistakes, but I do run from them at every opportunity. I’m brave like that.

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Devil’s Due – CBF Review

Devil's Due Sam eats meat in supermarket

A demon-impregnated girl’s gotta do what a demon-impregnated girl’s gotta do.

I think the Devil’s due to have a better movie than this watered-down, unoriginal schlock.

At least it’s shorter than that endless, unbearable marathon of a Rosemary’s Baby redo with Zoe “I just wanted a holiday to Paris” Saldana.

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Machete Kills – CBF Review

Machete Kills Sofia Vergara strap-on cannon dick

Strap-on cannon dicks have a lot of uses. Improving your career may not be one of them.

I really wanted this to be good.

And it really, really wasn’t.

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Curse of Chucky – CBF Review

Curse of Chucky wanna play

That knife totally isn’t compensating for something.

I remember the Chucky movies were pretty scary growing up.

Until they devolved into comedy-only shadows of their former selves.

Sadly, this attempt at a gritty return to form misinterpreted “gritty” as “boring, standard slasher movie.”

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The Haunting in Connecticut 2: Ghosts of Georgia – CBF Review

The Haunting in Connecticut 2: Ghosts of Georgia slave hatch Emily Alyn Lind

“And I’m not even black. God!”

Another post, another CBF Review for a horror/thriller film.

Maybe I’m not really a fan of the genre, and my whole film fan identity is a lie?

Or maybe this is just a mediocre sequel to a mediocrity-straddling (apart from the radiant Virginia Madsen) original?

It’s the latter. I’m sure.

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Star Trek Into Darkness – CBF Review

Star Trek Into Darkness Spock/Kirk love

I don’t think Spock suffers from the same indecision.

I thought you might want some more aliens tonight.

Hot ones, this time.

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Dark Skies – CBF Review

Dark Skies Keri Russell

If only it were that simple.

I only watched it because Keri Russell is in it and The Americans is finished for the season.

I got what I came for.

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