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The Shallows – Film Review

The Shallows Blake Lively on a rock sinking

That’s not fair. What about Leighton Mees… or Penn Bad… or Ed Westw… or Jessica Szo… or Taylor Mo… or, well.
Chace Crawford got that shitty ABC show, though.

Who thought there’d be a day when I’d championing a Blake Lively project?

Praise be to Jaume Collet-Serra.

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Me and Earl and the Dying Girl – It’s Not Shit

Me and Earl and the Dying Girl Olivia Cooke Rachel

But goddamn, it wasn’t easy.

Yes, the star of Ouija and the director of The Town That Dreaded Sundown join forces to make a touching and cleverly funny movie about teen cancer?

I don’t know what I did to deserve this, but I’ll take it.

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The Final Girls – Film Review

The Final Girls finale lightning

Amazing Technicolor Battlefield, indeed.

I promised I’d post my review of The Final Girls back in my review for Scream Queens’ episode titled The Final Girls.

And, like I said then, this makes Scream Queens look like the utter jizz fart it is.

But is that much of an accomplishment. I mean, embarrassing Scream Queens is really easy.

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Poltergeist (2015) – CBF Review

Poltergeist Sam Rockwell Rosemarie DeWitt

“We’re getting paid for this, right?”

There isn’t a whole lot to say about this new Poltergeist. It’s an inferior, CGI-laden remake of a horror classic.

At least Rooney Mara isn’t here to stink up this one.

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Barely Lethal – Film Review

Barely Lethal Hailee Steinfeld guns akimbo

After seeing Barely Lethal, I think I would have risked the shooting.

I’ll concede that I never saw True Grit. But I did see Pitch Perfect 2. And I know that her obnoxious, dipshit character was obligatory in a sequel, but still. She was not good.

Barely Lethal doesn’t do anything to alter my opinion.

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Tiger House – Film Review

Tiger House Kaya Scodelario gun

“They made me more useless than Peeta, for fuck’s sake!”

I didn’t want to spend the money to go see The Maze Runner: The Scorch Trials this week. So I thought I’d settle for a low profile, British thriller that happens to also star Kaya Scodelario.

I feel confident I made the better choice.

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Unfriended – Film Review

Unfriended movie

I wouldn’t want to own up to it, either.

Starring the girl who died first in Ouija, and presented in the same manner as Open Windows, comes a movie that raises the question: is a ghost serial killer more or less important than having a fight about infidelity with your high school boyfriend?

The answer won’t make you happy.

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The Guest – Film Review

The Guest Dan Stevens shirtless

He can be my guest any day.

After the phenomenal It Follows, I had high hopes for The Guest. It has a similar, 80s throwback style to it; director Adam Wingard’s previous film was the above-average slasher You’re Next; and Dan Stevens has ditched doughy Matthew Crawley and gotten cut as fuck.

Well, I suppose I deserve to be punished for my optimism.

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Open Windows – CBF Review

Open Windows Elijah Wood boobs Sasha Grey

Sasha Grey’s boobs, especially. They’re out there, already.

I only saw this movie for two reasons:

  1. I wanted to see if Elijah Wood could follow up Maniac, and become a bonafide Scream King;
  2. And I plan to finally get around to watching Unfriended soon, and thought this would be a warm-up/proof-of-concept for the exciting new subgenre of “all on the screen” horror movies.

I was disappointed in both departments.

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Burying the Ex – Film Review

Burying the Ex Ashley Greene zombie face

And let’s not forget those Twilight movies.
If only we could.

So I wasn’t the biggest fan of Ashley Greene the last time I saw her (in The Apparition, if you hadn’t guessed).

And here she is sniffing around the horror genre, again. And she’s brought along Alexandra Daddario from the dreary Texas Chainsaw, and Anton Yelchin from the passable Odd Thomas.

By their kinda-horror powers combined, will this movie be any good?

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