Dynasty Season 3 Episode 19 – TV Review

Nah yeah, cunt.

Let’s hear it for Culhane, who comes in at the end of the episode and steals the jush factor in a major and delicious upset.

Kirby is there, too. Looking fucking flawless.

Oh, and Blake is kidnapped and Sam saves him with the help of Danny Trejo or whatever.

But look at Kirby!

TL;DR Liam and Adam fail hilariously to rescue Blake and Alan Dale from Fakelandia, so it’s up to a drugged-up Sam to save the day; which he does; Fallon and Alexis deal with a wannabe plaintiff suing over some bad advice from Alexis’ podcast; but actually Evan is back and is looking to slip into Fallon’s good graces; Cristal decides to leave (the show?); Culhane masterfully fucks over Dominique and Vanessa.

And Kirby is there, too. Looking fucking flawless.

So let’s get this kidnapping thing out of the way first. Blake and Alan Dale are being held as political prisoners in Moldavia. The king offers to release them if Blake relinquishes the oil, but Blake stubbornly refuses. Meanwhile, Liam and Adam decide they’re going to covertly sneak into the country using Liam’s family’s contacts to extract the boys, while Cristal mopes at home. Liam and Adam are immediately caught, though. But good news! Sam, having stowed away on the jet under the impression Liam was going to scout bachelor party locations is here, and he’s brought many a party drug with him. So after Liam and Adam fail to rendezvous, it’s up to a wacked-out Sam and his spirit guide Danny Trejo, to infiltrate the dungeon and rescue all four of the boys. And he does (with a sweet roundhouse kick). But uh oh, one person is forced to stay behind as they can’t all fit back into the air ducts. Adam volunteers to impress daddy, and later makes it out thanks to a costume switcheroo with a knocked out guard. But Blake’s subsequent offer to make Adam his 2IC at Carrington Atlantic isn’t enough to offset his horror at the smug revelation from Blake that he actually had possession of the oil the whole time. Looks like Bad Adam is back. Bitches. Meanwhile, Fallon is frustrated when a lawsuit shows up on her desk as a result of some advice Alexis gave on her podcast, Aunt Alexis (a woman took her advice to “drive without looking back” a little too literally). Evan the hot lawyer and Trixie’s brother shows up to offer Fallon counsel, and tells her it’s better to settle. Fallon agrees, but Alexis doesn’t, and of course this leads to them confronting the woman and then accidentally kicking her mid-mother-daughter-scuffle. But don’t feel too bad: we then find out she was actually faking it for a quick buck. And then we, the audience, find out Evan set it all up as a plan to be Fallon’s hero. I smell upcoming drama at the wedding! Another fire, perhaps? Meanwhile, Culhane brags to Kirby that he’s going to stick around on House of Devereaux to plug the Atlantix or whatever. This plan seems to go absolutely belly up when Dominique, being courted by rival television producers to host her own talk show, carpet bombs the Season 2 negotiations with a laundry list of ridiculous demands. Vanessa and Culhane seem upset when they walk and HoD is cancelled, but motherfucking pysch: it turns out this was all Culhane’s plan. He set up the fake rival producer and completely fooled Dominique into ruining herself. And the conga line of humiliation doesn’t end there, as Vanessa also dumps Dominique’s ass as her producer. Oh, and then Cristal tells Blake she’s leaving or something.

Who will they cast as Cristal next season?

And dear god, the fear inside me only mounts as to how this one’s going to end. Is the next episode really going to be the premature season finale? Did they get to film the wedding? I can’t take it!

I swear, if The CW pulls a “actually we’re cancelling Dynasty” after all this, I’ll never love again. The pain would be indescribable.

 

Why I hate this episode:

Almost as indescribable as the decision to have this stupid fake country kidnapping subplot. Moldavia apparently only consists of a single dungeon jail cell and a runway on a CW budget, and apart from Sam’s very impressive dosed-out butt kicking, this little excursion really doesn’t amount to anything. Surely there were less dumb ways to make Adam mad at Blake. And does anyone really care about the Blake/Alan Dale relationship? He bought you a restaurant in New Zealand. Cute, I guess?

I also don’t feel anything at all for Cristal’s proclamation that she’s leaving. Maybe the plan was to finally get rid of her from the show? As much as I love Daniella Alonso, I think Dynasty would be better for it. Cristal 2.0, no matter which actress she was, never really fit.

Are we not going to get a Steven cameo at all this season?

Oh, and where the fuck is Monica?

 

But it’s not all bad:

Having just done a tentative Google search, it seems the finale is going to be about Fallon’s bachelorette party. Monica’s gotta show up to that, right?

Speaking of Colby/Devereaux women, who could have ever guessed that bloody Culhane would be responsible for such a gag-worthy scheme reveal? I thought Liam’s little dalliances with his deceptive side this season were good, but fuckin’ hell, Culhane one-upped him this week. I think it was especially effective because I’d become so used to tuning out whenever I would see Culhane in a non-descript boardroom setting. But then in he comes for the kill.

And let’s not forget Kirby’s impeccable contribution to the reveal, as Dominique and Vanessa arrive to her supposed agent’s office to find it bare, with Kirby there in her animal print glory ready to drop the bomb on them. Things only get so much more delicious when Culhane doesn’t settle for just being on speaker phone, and shows up to gloat in person. Yes, sis. Get your life.

Points too for Vanessa, who although not being part of the scheme, is appropriately upset that Dominique’s ego is what’s sunk her career, and also GTFOs outta there.

And points also to Dominique, who this episode ditches the aggressive layering in her hairstyle that I’ve been bitching about for ages, and now has an aggressive fringe, instead. It’s much better.

Fallon and Alexis’ subplot is mostly throwaway trash, but it sure is fun. The sequence of Fallon, in an attempt to stop any further lawsuits, actively censoring the podcast with a live bleeper button is pure delight. And let’s not forget that when Fallon tries to intervene on Alexis confronting the woman suing them, their tussle results in the woman getting kicked in the chest.

This leads to the second best line of the episode going to Fallon, with set up from Alexis:
Alexis, as she and Fallon are rushing out the door: “You’re gonna wanna put some ice on that.”
Fallon, offscreen: “Stop giving advice!”
The fact that it almost sounds like it was a late addition ADR is just the icing on the cake, baby.

The woman, after coming clean about faking it, also admits (after being pressed by Alexis) that Alexis does actually give good advice. I lol’d.

What the Fallon and Alexis subplot lacks in substance, it makes up for in Evan’s creepy reveal. Now that the season has been deprived of its last two episodes, I doubt we’ll see that come to fruition. But I can dream.

Best line of the episode goes to Cristal, in a small but powerful contribution early on. Cristal suggests they bring Fallon on board to deal with the kidnapping. Liam and Adam poo-poo that by pointing out that Fallon’ll overblow the situation, but Cristal’s not wrong with her response: “But she’ll know what to do.” Yass, Chrissy. Queens respecting queens.

Cristal also wears another OG Cristal-esque white outfit, and bitch I am living. Maybe I don’t want her gone, after all?

Getting into the kidnap subplot, things really are saved here by Sam, of all people (Sam and Culhane both being MVPs in an episode? It’s madness!). His doped display of bravery is wonderfully charming. And having Danny Trejo by his side the whole time is just magical. Danny seems like a real cool dude.

The one big outcome of this subplot is Adam’s reversion to Crazy Evil Guy, as he says to Kirby in the bedroom to close out the episode. He’s done trying to impress Blake, and now he wants to be bad.

And he certainly has the right love interest for it, as Maddison Brown demonstrates just how much she’s on Dynasty’s wavelength in the reveal of Culhane’s scheme. It’s a bit of a shame that Season 3 slept on Kirby so much, cause she’s fucking fun when she’s being naughty.

She picks up an honourable mention for best line placement with this all too true assessment to Culhane at the end of it: “You were right. This was amazing.” It. Was.

And it’s a pretty good line fiesta this episode, as Blake drops this little rapid-fire response to Adam taking his fake heart attack to distract a prison guard too seriously: “Yeah I’m fine. I was faking it. Are you even a doctor?” I appreciate when Dynasty gets just that little bit meta.

When Dominique rolls out her demands to the HoD producers, she does literally that: unfurls a massive roll of paper across the table. Classic Dynasty sight gag.

Alexis gets a minor emotional moment when she admits to Fallon that she doesn’t want to lose her podcast because it’s the first time since she separated from Blake that people care about what she has to say. Fallon repays this by telling Alexis she’s going to make an effort to be less judgemental of her from now on. Aww.

Oh, and Kirby may have been a bogan queen this episode, but Fallon is right behind her.

More Business juice, please.

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About ijusthateeverything

Sincerity is death.

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