Dynasty Season 3 Episode 14 – TV Review
Sadly, my gays, the jush train is over, and this week won’t have you struggling to hold your wigs down.
But that’s only because this episode is here to get some shit done. And blow up a car along the way (offscreen, of course. This is CW budget, remember).
TL;DR Fallon struggles to accept Liam’s son into their lives; and she better shape up, because Li’l Liam is sticking around; Blake tries to manipulate Adam into doing his bidding, but that bridge is as burnt as Blake’s vineyard; Dominique unleashes her Culhane sex tape in a successfully desperate bid to get her TV deal; Vanessa seems strangely okay with it; Cristal and Beto try to blow up Alexis, but things don’t go to plan.
But fear not. Beto and his juicy thighs are still okay, if a little singed.
So yes, baby, Dynasty is not waiting around, and we are getting straight to Fallon and Liam’s engagement party. And Fallon is lucky to have a surprisingly helpful Sam and Alexis around, because things take a hideous turn when Liam presents his Baby Mama and his son. Rather than let it ruin her stride, Fallon goes all out to impress the lad. When that doesn’t really work out, and Baby Mama voices her intentions to get a job and stay in Atlanta (good god, no!), Fallon rallies and lines up a fabulous job opportunity for her in far-away San Diego. This causes friction with Liam, who wanted to be the best part time father he could be. But our favourite couple end up reconciling at the denouement of the party, with the hope that they can be the best versions of parents to Li’l Liam for the brief time he’ll be here. And that’s a good start, because uh oh, Baby Mama skips town and leaves Li’l Liam completely in their custody. Yikes. Meanwhile, Blake puts on his own dad show with Adam, dangling his fatherly love in exchange for Adam helping steal whatever blackmail Jeff has on the Carrington Atlantic CEO. Some minor tension ensues when Blake outs Jeff’s degenerative neurotoxicity to Adam (didn’t he know about that, already? Whatever) and Adam is mad that Alexis hid it from him. But no matter, as Adam isn’t in a forgiving mood, and ends up duping Blake into giving him a position on some medical board before revealing that he never betrayed Alexis and Jeff, and Blake gets nothing. Smoothly done. Meanwhile, the reason for Dominique’s sex tape with Culhane is illuminated, as it turns out she just wants to leverage him into getting Fallon to formally sign Vanessa to her record label. Fallon is like yeah yeah sure, which makes Vanessa happy. Too bad that Dominique’s other plan, to score a trashy TV show, isn’t going as well, and despite Vanessa showing off her pipes at the engagement party in front of the producer, the show is passed on. That is until Dominique leaks the sex tape, causing muy escandalo, and landing Dominique an offer for the show. I thought Vanessa’s rage at Dominique at the party was genuine, but when they meet up privately later, Vanessa is far more mercenary about the whole thing. Not so pure after all, are you? Oh, and Cristal’s assassination machinations hit a speed bump after Dominique’s naive meddling spooks away the hitman. Cristal takes the bomb into her own hands (literally), and calls her brother Beto for backup. At the engagement party, Beto realises he’s placed it on the wrong car, but accidentally sets it off when trying to remove it. At the end of the day, Alexis is unharmed and unaware, Beto is on a fast road to recovery from some minor injuries, and with Cristal observing Alexis being a somewhat good mother to Fallon this episode, I wonder if there will be a Round 2.
Should have drowned her in that pond when you had the chance, Crissy.
So unlike the last couple of episodes, this one sadly didn’t leave me gagging. Or really even saying that many “oh mon dieus.” Which is a shame.
But considering all signs point to this being a classic place-setting episode, I’m willing to bear it.
Would have liked to have seen that explosion, though.
Why I hate this episode:
I know they can’t afford it. But come on, show. Don’t build up a revenge assassination attempt only to have it bungled (with little to no fallout) offscreen. Sheesh.
And with Cristal’s revenge plot running out of steam, she’s left again in this situation where she’s not going to really have anything to do. I think we’re well past the point of forgiving Dynasty on the Cristal front. Either find a reason for her to be there, or get rid of her. Kirby needs the screentime.
Also, where the fuck is Monica? If we have to put up with Vanessa, then we should be getting some Monica fabulosity to help ease that pain.
Oh, and despite how deliciously petty it is, does anybody else find Dominique’s reality TV ambitions a little dated? Sure, maybe in 2009 it would have made sense. But at this point in time, would anyone really be excited about another Real Housewives knock-off?
But it’s not all bad:
I am absolutely salivating at the possibility of some meta TV soap operatics if Dominique’s show does end up going ahead. I want full Queen of Jordan. With singing.
Although she’s still pretty blah, I will give Vanessa points this episode for singing her little heart out at the engagement party. And also for that nasty turn at the end when, after her initial rage, she is actually impressed with Dominique’s work, and seems to be looking forward to the reality show. Maybe this cat may have claws? And all the better to catfight with, right?
Props, too, to Dynasty for having Culhane be rightly indignant that Dominique filmed their sex without his consent. It’s nice that somebody said it.
Onto the star of the episode, and that continues to be Fallon in fine form. I won’t ever tire of her OTT haughtiness and complete self-assurance. She is everything I aspire to be. From her immediate readiness to participate in what she thinks could be a threesome when Liam introduces her to Baby Mama, to our staple Dynasty physical comedy moment when she’s gunned down during the game-playing montage. I just can’t get enough of Fallon Carrington.
She also brings the lewks this week, again eschewing that 60s aesthetic she sometimes leans on too heavily for some more 80s power volume, not to mention that delectable lingerie ensemble. And a perfectly simple and effective red dress at the engagement party, with the tits out, baby.
Dynasty again shows that it’s not all fluff and shoulder pads by bringing out some welcome emotional maturity between Fallon and Liam. After they’re finished tiffing, they have a D&M on the steps, and Liam admits he was only so gung-ho about being a dad because he was trying to mask his fear of failure. Fallon, too, concedes that she’s not sure what kind of stepmother she’ll be (an honest one, at least?), but that together they can do nothing less than try their best. What stars.
Then of course Baby Mama up and dumps the kid with them, so they better get to it. Quick. I’d like to have faith that Dynasty won’t let the little rascal become too much of a time-consuming plot tumor. Maybe dump him on Cristal?
Ah, Cristal. Super dooper points for effort on the bombing front. Not all soap opera heroines would still push ahead with an assassination after their assassin dropped out, so good on Cristal for calling her hot brother to still give things a good ol’ go.
Not so inspiring is Blake’s rather poor effort to undermine Jeff by appealing to Adam, but Adam saves the subplot with his utter disregard for Blake. He completely dupes his father, leaving Adam with exactly the prize he wanted (that medical board thing), and Blake with nothing. I’ll take the fact that the Carrington Atlantic deal is still not officially closed as a sign that Blake may yet have time to do something. How desperate is he willing to get?
Alexis doesn’t contribute much to the episode, but it’s kind of fun in an intentionally jarring way to see her casually helping Fallon with the engagement party planning. And giving terrible motherly advice. Let’s see how long this karma houdini act can last.
Alexis also gets the best line of the episode, with a little assist from Blake when they’re discussing the engagement party:
Alexis: “As long as your wife isn’t around. I’m considering getting a restraining order after she tried to drown me in that pond.”
Blake: “After you tried to shoot her?”
Alexis: “Let’s not quibble over details, Blake.”
Pish posh, what’s a little attempted murder between romantic rivals?
Oh, and the conspiracy theorist in me is worried that Li’l Liam might be a device Dynasty uses to get Liam out of the show (your lead can’t be stuck on one love interest this long. Even I know that). So before that happens, I’d just like to reiterate how grateful I am for what we’ve had so far. Chuck and Blair wish they could have been this radiant.