Dynasty Season 3 Episode 12 – TV Review

It can’t be all shirtless dudes all the time.

Just kidding. Scroll down.

That’s right, bitches. It’s a Liam and Fallon caper episode.

And even when it’s against his will, he’s still kinda game. And I respect that.

Though, to be clear, doing things without consent, even when it’s a woman doing it to a man, is not cool. Do you hear that, Dominique?

TL;DR Dominique gets Culhane drunk and fucks him for some reason; she also moves into Carrington Manor after helping Blake run a scheme against Jeff; Jeff and Alexis are unimpressed with Blake’s bullshit; Fallon goes ham on trying to buy a house, with her capering causing problems for her and Liam; Kirby runs head and lips first into Adam’s cacophony of red flags.

Well, she did end up joining a cult for her last boyfriend. So it’s on-brand.

Let’s kick things off with Fallon’s Great Real Estate Caper, as this episode she decides it’s time to find a house so she can move out of La Mirage. She sets her eyes on her childhood dream home, but despite her vicious efforts to deter other buyers, she hits a wall when she finds out the seller will only sell to a family. That’s not going to stop Fallon Carrington, though, and she hires White Driver’s kids to pose as her own, and cons Liam into meeting her at the house to sell the whole charade. He is refreshingly game despite his reservations, but things eventually come undone when Liam blurts out that he never wants to have kids. Fallon concedes defeat with the seller, but in a moment of impressive maturity for Dynasty, she doesn’t give up on Liam, and they decide that this will not be an issue that breaks them. Which is good, because that would absolutely break me. Meanwhile, Blake finds out that Jeff and Alexis are putting in a bid in to buy Carrington Atlantic before he can. Alexis rebuffs an offer to turn on Jeff, so Blake instead calls upon Dominique, who is happy to cash in her son for a quid pro quo with Blake. Blake finds out about Jeff’s illness and that he’s courting the purchase of a pharmaceutical company, so ruthlessly buys out the drug makers to offer to trade for CA. Disgusted, Jeff refuses, and Blake doesn’t earn any love from Alexis or Alan Dale for hitting such a low blow. But that’s okay, because Dominique’s end of the quo was to move into the manor, displeasing Cristal when she returns from visiting her family at the end of the episode (but don’t worry, Cristal got what she needed while away. I am salivating!). Meanwhile, Dominique also runs an odd gambit this episode where she gets drunk with Culhane. At first I thought it was for a place to crash (Alexis won’t let her stay with her and Jeff), but then it’s revealed that she was faking her drinks, she lied about Vanessa staying in New York, and she bangs and films the inebriated Culhane. Which makes things a little awkward when Vanessa turns up. Meanwhile, Sam may not be so done with the cheating Fletcher after all (ew, Sam). And Kirby invites Adam to a Secret Admirer Valentine’s Party, unknowingly stumbling into his lingering feelings for Nadia, who he assumes the invitation is from. When the truth comes out, he throws a disturbing and property destructive tantrum. Kirby’s reaction? To have sex with him.

She is the patron saint of wrong choices.

Honestly, Kirby and Adam can do whatever they want with their nasty, inconsistent selves as long as Dynasty doesn’t take away my Fallon and Liam.

Don’t fucking scare me like that!

 

Why I hate this episode:

But this is a soap opera, so the pessimist in me sees this is as a seed to cause their breakup at some point. I’ll never be ready for it.

Kirby and Adam’s tryst is fine because it’s fully consensual (a bad choice is still a choice). The same can’t be said for the icky territory Dynasty unnecessarily puts itself in with Culhane and Dominique. And it could have been avoided so easily by having Dominique just be drunk alongside him. Sure, he wasn’t blackout. But don’t tell me you can see that scene playing out exactly the same but with the genders reversed and it being fine. Because it’s not.

I, same as Alan Dale judging by his reaction shot, was taken aback at Blake’s cruelty towards Jeff. Again, Dynasty could have avoided this by having Blake buy the pharmaceutical company without being aware of why Jeff wants it. But nope, Blake fully knows Jeff is facing debilitating neurotoxicity and still dangles his potentially life-saving option over him like it’s any old business deal. Fuck you, dude. When even Alexis is shocked at your villainy, you know you’ve gone too far.

Oh, and did anyone else find it weird that we were introduced to Fallon’s yummy gay real estate agent (the camptacular Esteban from Jane the Virgin!), and then Sam’s minor subplot this episode sees him crawling back to Fletcher (via text, at least)? Like, hello. New and much less douchey love interest right here, Sammy.

 

But it’s not all bad:

If things don’t manage to take flight with Sam, then Liam would still be a fair fallback for him, as he has a fun comedic flirtation scene with Liam. Right in front of Fallon. And in true Liam fashion, mah dude is pleasantly amused by it. God, what did we do to deserve Liam?

Really, even alongside our ever-skyscraping Fallon, Liam is the standout of the episode. From opening with a shirtless sex scene, to tagging along with Fallon’s initial real estate scheming, and then still being all in for her fake family caper later on. Liam is just perfect. I’m sad that I’m so old, because goddamn, Liam would have been a great TV character crush for my adolescent sexual awakening.

And the scene between him and Fallon at the end is a sign that Dynasty isn’t always just fun fluff. It would have been so easy for them to break up, or at least leave the episode with quiet, lingering resentment. But showing Dynasty learned something from Season 1 Riverdale, Fallon and Liam actually discuss their true feelings, with Fallon deciding her relationship with Liam at this moment is more important than some nebulous future child, and Liam conceding that although he doesn’t want kids now, it doesn’t mean he’ll never want them. Yass, queens. Serve that emotional maturity, hunty.

Onto Fallon, who is operating at full tilt caper this week, and I am living for it. The first game at the open house is divine, as she casually strolls around and scares off all the other potential buyers by making up gauche secrets about the house. Pure. Fallon. The icing on the cake is when she sees the seller with a nuclear family, and she is happily ready to go tear them apart.

Things naturally take a Fallon Carrington turn for the joyously absurd when she refuses to give up at the family hurdle, and instead pimps out White Driver’s kids to pose as hers for a private meeting with the seller. She controls them with a promise of money, and like I alluded to earlier, I loved that Liam, despite his incredulity at things, is still in to play. Fallon would have gotten away with it, too, if the kids hadn’t ended up just, like, giving up and demanding their money. Bless their little hearts.

The caper itch is going around this episode, with Blake and Dominique getting their own respectable entry. Cristal (via telephone from Mexico) advises Blake to call upon Fallon to talk to Jeff, but Blake isn’t in for that touchy feely shit, and instead brokers a deal with Dominique. Which involves her hiding him in the boot of her car to get him past Jeff’s home security, and then Blake snoops around in Jeff’s office while Dominique keeps watch. Simple.

Things almost fall over when a security guard comes to investigate the office alarm being tripped, but Dominique thinks quick and does what wannabe Real Housewives do best: she throws wine on him to make him go away. It’s a solid play, D.

I didn’t like what Blake ended up doing with his ill-gotten information, but snaps for Alexis, who isn’t here for dogging Jeff. Y’all motherfuckers know he’s literally dying, right?

Not quite up to the Carringtons’ level, but Kirby also does a mild bit of scheming herself, as she uses the Secret Admirer party to get Adam out to play. Things blow up when he assumes Nadia sent it and she makes a fool of him by not correcting him right away (props to Sam for unknowingly revealing things later), but I’m always here for a mysterious invite to a themed party. It’s Gossip Girl 101, baby.

And although Kirby should have been running out the door instead of jumping on dat dick, I can respect a girl who knows what she wants.

Culhane is still in his fun incarnation (pray it never ends), and earns the best line of the episode when he’s partying with Dominique at Club Colby: “And you are a lot more fun when you’re not blackmailing me!” Oop, you spoke too soon, Michael.

I am genuinely at a loss as to what Dominique will want to blackmail Culhane for. What does he have that she’d want? I need to know!

Cristal is literally in only two scenes this week, but she manages to not wear anything that looks like total garbage, and she claims to have gotten what she needed while in Mexico. So I’m expecting a hunky hitman to appear next episode.

Oh, and speaking of hunky…

I’ve got my veil picked out and everything.

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About ijusthateeverything

Sincerity is death.

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