Dynasty Season 3 Episode 5 – TV Review

This is the kind of thing Blood & Oil needed more of.

I just can’t figure out how Dynasty is managing to thrive right now, while everything else on The CW falls further and further into embarrassing mediocrity. Or in the case of Legacies, unwatchable poo.

New showrunner be praised for keeping this gal going. God, I’m grateful for it.

TL;DR Dominique has a surprise step daughter, and they scheme to launch her music career; Sam hosts his hotel’s grand opening party, and drama is afoot; Culhane’s soccer player gets attacked; Ashanti gets poisoned; Fallon takes down Kirby; but she also has to say goodbye to Liam; Blake and Cristal manage to thwart a judge from being on his trial; Adam adjusts to blinded life, but has found a new ally in Nurse Nadia.

Is every caregiver this family hires going to be a shady bitch? Because I’m cool with that.

Let’s start with Mama Dominique Devereaux this week, as our Hat Queen’s scheme becomes known: her step daughter Vanessa is in town, and Dominique’s grand plan is to leverage Monica’s record label, and a music streaming service Jeff has just purchased, to launch her career. This includes poisoning Ashanti at the hotel party so she can’t sing, leaving Vanessa to perform in her place. She does okay. Meanwhile, Culhane isn’t pleased when he finds out Kirby has been banging Hot Soccer Dude, but that’s really none of his business, bitch. What is his business, however, is keeping HSD’s location safe, which goes awry when he hits it off with Ashanti at the hotel party and has a selfie posted on Instagram. Goons come calling, and Culhane is too late to stop them from taking a baseball bat to the dude’s knee. Yikes. Meanwhile, Fallon spends her episode trying to avoid giving Liam his stuff back, as she desperately wants to stop him from leaving her life. She’s also got her guns out for Kirby and wanting to buy back Femperial, but Kirby is not here for it. Thus, we get a devilishly delicious little Gossip Girl-esque takedown scheme wherein Fallon invites Kirby’s pick for a new Femperial CEO to the hotel party; Fallon gets Kirby drunk; and then embarrasses her in front of the CEO candidate, leaving Kirby without much but the Femperial name (Fallon also bought out the office space from under her). Kirby almost capitulates, but then (impressively for her drunken state) realises Fallon only wants Femperial as a reason to keep seeing Liam, so continues to hang onto it to spite her. Nice. This simultaneously upsets Trixie’s hot brother, Evan, who Fallon had been stringing along for legal advice. Fallon finally gives up, and to close out the episode she hands back Liam’s stuff, says goodbye forever, and jumps into bed with Evan. But uh fucking oh, Liam appears to get his memories back while looking through his things. Oh. Mon. Dieu! Meanwhile, Sam mopes about the hotel’s homophobic architect history, but decides to make some rooms available for LGBT youth or something to offset it. Meanwhile, Blake and Cristal wring their hands over a nasty judge assigned to his case. So Cristal fabricates some kind of bribery relationship between the guy and her criminal family, forcing him to recuse himself. And in a surprise winner of a subplot, Adam resists the help of his new nurse, Nadia, whom Cristal has hired. Blake (spurred by Cristal) gives Adam an ultimatum to get on board with the treatment, or he’ll be shipped off to some rehab centre. But it’s when Nadia bitchily reveals she overheard Cristal scheming to ship Adam off, and offers to help him take her down, that Adam perks up.

Let’s get Cristal and Adam into a genuine fight so we can see what she’s made of.

Dynasty continues to be almost effortlessly impressive. Even Gossip Girl stumbled in Season 3 (the high school to college transition largely to blame, though), but at five episodes into a third season with, again, a new showrunner, this episode is pure strength. Not a bum subplot in the lot.

That’s right: not even a Colby could bring us down this week.


Why I hate this episode:

It’s a shame Monica didn’t get to go to the hotel party (she is absent this episode), but I’m expecting some excellent bitchy remarks from her when she finds out Vanessa is her step sister.

Cristal remains a bit of a sore thumb on this show, as she just continually has nothing to do. Just like Ana Brenda’s Cristal before her. Her family seems to be getting invoked more and more, so hopefully that’s going to build to something (not to mention her promised sparring with Adam), but fuckin’ hell. On a third recast, you’d think Dynasty wouldn’t be waiting until at least a quarter of the season to be up to start using her. Get a move on!

It’s probably worth mentioning that Blake also doesn’t get much to do. But is anyone really watching Dynasty for Blake? Be honest.

Oh, and while I am living for Fallon going hard on Kirby, I miss when they were gal pals. Let’s see just how long this feud can last.


But it’s not all bad:

The takedown is literally textbook Gossip Girl. What Fallon does to Kirby is exactly the kind of thing that Blair would have done to Serena. And the plan is so simple, yet so effective: get this demonstrably unqualified pretty bitch drunk and embarrass her in front of people who are smarter and more qualified than she is. See? Perfect Blair and Serena correlation.

The underlying reason that Fallon wants Femperial back so badly, being that it would bring her closer to Liam, lends this just the right amount of dramatic weight, too. And good on Kirby for figuring that part out. Maybe she’s not so dumb after all?

This episode gagged me on two occasions, one of which being Liam’s memory flood to close out the episode. Bring on this new Fallon/Liam/Evan love triangle, baby!

The other gag that made me literally gasp out loud was the “Vanessa is Dominique’s step daughter” reveal. This is helped immensely by it being immediately preceded by Dominique throwing a drink on her. Yes. Dynasty. I’m not sure how much I care about Vanessa’s musical aspirations (is that really all Dominique is here for? A bit bland), but this should give the whole Colby family a bit more to work with.

It also leads to Ashanti being poisoned. And what a semi-gag it was to have Ashanti guest star as herself, and then the episode not actually letting her sing. Dynasty went there. Points also scored by Sam only being able to entice Ashanti to the party because she thinks Hot Soccer Dude is hot.

Culhane doesn’t get much to do except glower at Kirby this episode, but he does save HSD from the worst of his goon beating. Vanessa also turns up in this scene, so odds-on she could be Culhane’s new love interest. He’s gotta make his way through the whole Colby family eventually.

Sam’s resolution to his LGBT problem is pretty whatever, but I’m happy that it’s been put to bed. And his shiny silk/leather (?) shirt at the party is darling.

Cristal’s gambit against the judge is similarly pedestrian, but she had some cunty energy during the scene where she shows it to him, and it’s about time we got a bit more bite out of this Cristal. Her crusade against Adam is also one hundred percent welcome.

Nurse Nadia might be in the game to out-cunt her, though, by allying with Adam. And this is even after Fallon told her that Adam is a sociopath. Villains unite, baby.

Best line of the episode goes to Fallon when she’s going through her fake apology motions with Kirby: “Now, accept my apology before I change my mind. I’m very fickle that way.” Flaws? What flaws?

In a rare moment of non-villainy, Fallon is genuinely happy to see Jeff at the hotel party. It was sweet.

The issue of Jeff’s degenerative illness is not forgotten by Dynasty, and there’s a juicy moment when Jeff tells Dominique about how Adam did this to him. Bet you’re not so happy with picking up that cuff link now, are you?

Oh, and while Cristal continues to wallow in fashion purgatory, Fallon steps her game up this week with hit after hit (the canary yellow power blazer is my fave); Sam has his oil slick party shirt fantasy; Jeff wears a requisitely audacious jacket to the hotel party; and Kirby comes out on top with this Queen of Snakes number for her party dress. Hiss hiss, bitch.

Well, she is thin and white.

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About ijusthateeverything

Sincerity is death.

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