Dynasty Season 3 Episode 4 – TV Review

Just look at him!

Every time Liam says he’s going away, I die a little inside.

But I’m comforted by the fact that he never really means it. He’ll come back.

And I’ll come.

TL;DR Fallon seeks out Liam, but he decides it’s best he goes off on his own for now; Fallon also has gas-induced musical sequence hallucinations; Adam and Cristal get into a business slapfight over the winery, frustrating Blake; Kirby sets her genital sights on a new soccer player Culhane has hired; Dominique re-ingratiates herself to her kids, but she has some kind of side hustle going on with a mystery woman.

Her milliner?

So the Liam drought is over, as Fallon won’t let a silly little restraining order stop her from her new plan to win him back: presenting him with the original manuscript of this novel so he can see how in love they are. And what excellent timing, as it turns out Liam is getting married to Ashley today! Things go awry when security catches her and she drops it in the bushes at his place, but she later sends Sam in undercover to get the job done. Liam shows up at Carrington Manor at the end of the episode to reveal he backed out of marrying Ashley, but that he’s also concerned about the kind of person Fallon is based on what he himself wrote in his book, and now he needs some alone time. Good God, no! Meanwhile, Adam is none too pleased when Blake announces Cristal is the new head honcho of the winery, and he sets out to sabotage a wine party to be held at Carrington Manor. This leads to some mostly satisfying business conflict between Cristal and Adam (praise be that it’s about wine, which is fun. And not soccer, which is shit), but Cristal ends up edging out the win after she impresses Blake by remembering some sentimental things he cares about. But don’t count Adam out just yet, as things take an explosive turn to close out the episode when Adam discovers a gas leak he had inadvertently caused all episode in Fallon’s bedroom and he is caught in a surprise fireball. Blake lavishes praise on Adam for being a hero by finding it, to Cristal’s chagrin. Meanwhile, Jeff and Monica set Dominique the task of fucking over Blake if she wants to get back in their good graces. She contaminates the wine for the party initially, but after the explosion, she returns to them to claim responsibility for it, earning their admiration. But oh no, who is this Vanessa she calls afterwards to vaguely discuss a scheme? Meanwhile, Culhane asks Alan Dale to agree to put up a soccer player in the hotel, as the player it turns out has loan shark problems and feels unsafe in his own home. Kirby and Culhane’s break up makes things a little awkward, but I’m sure her room service rendezvous with the soccer player will be the perfect thing to mend that bridge. Oh, and due to the gas leak, Fallon starts having hallucinations, leading to multiple motherfucking Dynasty musical numbers. Oh. Mon. Dieu.

Just don’t make a habit of it and turn into Glee-lite, like Riverdale. How many more middling speakeasy performances can Veronica possibly give?

So yes, I did bury the lead a bit there on the fact that this is the first true (ish) Dynasty musical episode! But I think, and again in reference to how Riverdale devolved, it was done in this almost hand-waved, downplayed way to keep people from laying into it. Like they (me) have done with Riverdale.

And also because Fallon is probably the only competent singer in the bunch. Just like Josie with Riverdale!

Who knew Riverdale had so many valuable lessons to teach us?


Why I hate this episode:

The stupid fan dickhead in me would have loved a proper musical episode, though. Not this gas hallucination stuff, but a full-blown Carrie. Like Riverdale. Maybe one day?

I’m still not clear on why Kirby and Culhane broke up. Did I miss something?

Dominique mentions that she abandoned her wine contamination plans in favour of supposedly being responsible for the gas explosion. But, like, we saw her contaminate the wine. The party guests would have consumed it, anyway, right? What was up with that?

Liam better not be going for good, babe. I’m not ready for that.

Oh, and Jesus Christ it’s like Dynasty is listening to me complain about Cristal’s awful wardrobe and just wants to turn me insane. She wears this truly horrendous aquamarine nightmare this episode. Sure, it had a bit of an 80s vibe, but bitch this isn’t that Dynasty. This is the CW’s Dynasty. Do better.


But it’s not all bad:

Her dress for the wine party is a slight improvement. It’s still too frilly and is a weird length, but at least it isn’t a shapeless sack of crap.

Moving onto the fact that this is a Dynasty musical episode, omg yass queen slay werk this is a Dynasty musical episode! Adam hides one of Cristal’s wine party invitation gift baskets in Fallon’s room, and when the dog sniffs at it, he accidentally turns on the gas, leading to Fallon getting high and hallucinating three musical numbers, while actually performing a solo herself IRL to Liam (it’s cool, though. He’s into it). I know we’ve had a spot here and there, but by Gay it’s good to finally get some fully fledged musical numbers.

The first is a Blake and Adam duet around the piano that honestly was a bit underwhelming, but I appreciated Grant Show’s gameness (Sam Underwood is actually not too bad). Elizabeth Gillies pulls out her extensive singing career work, however, for her subsequent two numbers (the solo to Liam, and then a duet with Sam), and this was definitely the right choice. If anyone on this show was going to get their jush in a musical fantasy, it’s Fallon.

The final number is a big group one, with backup dancers and choreography, at the wine party. It starts out as a battle between Cristal and Sam, but due to Fallon’s high-ness eventually escalates to include verses for Blake and Sam. It’s pretty tacky, but goddamn, that’s Dynasty, baby.

Apart from being high and showing off her pipes, Fallon does have an otherwise fabulous episode. The image of her attempting to scale Liam’s fence/trellis thing to give him the manuscript is darling. As is her squabble with Laura when she is found out. And things end semi well, with Liam not going through with his wedding to Ashley, and leaving the door open for his future with Fallon.

I also did genuinely come when Liam showed up looking so damn good in that wedding suit. Fuckin’ hell.

Sam almost outdid him in this glittering hoodie thing that he wears when he and Fallon duet. It was magnificent!

Kirby and Culhane get mostly fucking nothing to do, but if Kirby’s slutty hotel hospitality could lead to some soccer player shirtlessness, I can support that. Maybe he and Culhane could get into a fight? Shirtless?

I’m a little bummed that none of the Colbys get to sing, but for once their superfluous subplot didn’t feel like an utter waste of time. Jeff and Monica as these bitchy kids making their mum prove herself to them is kind of delicious (and they are in the right, after all). And I similarly enjoyed Dominique taking credit for the gas explosion, which may have blinded Adam, by the way.

I don’t know who this Vanessa of Dominique’s is. But can you imagine if it turns out to be Vanessa from Gossip Girl? The gag of it!

The whole gas hallucination thing is basically an episode of 30 Rock.

I’m proud of Cristal for finally getting an episode that isn’t a complete wank for her. Yes, bitch. You get those wine labels printed. Maybe Adam, not Alexis, was her perfect sparring partner all along?

Oh, and to be honest, as torturous and abhorrent as her dress was, I do somewhat admire the audacity of the Dynasty costume department to put the badass and gorgeous Daniella Alonso in something so terrible. It’s art.

Could someone please get this woman some goddamn pants?

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About ijusthateeverything

Sincerity is death.

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  1. Dynasty Season 3 Episode 5 – TV Review | I Just Hate Everything - November 10, 2019

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