Riverdale Season 4 Episode 3 – TV Review

It’d be rough, bitch.

About halfway through this episode I realised I’d finally fucking had it, and had decided I’d be throwing Riverdale into the Discontinued pile where it belongs (and, if we’re being honest with ourselves, has belonged for a long time).

But Betty, her radiant self, has brought me to a compromise: I’m only going to cover her from now on.

No more Archie and his gym/community centre bullshit. No more Veronica and her relentless, eye-rollingly ridiculous mafia crap. And now with Jughead at some arbitrary private (and apparently boarding?) school, no more of that shit, either.

Just Betty being the only character left on this show with a shred of empathy.

And Chad Michael Murray with his shirt mostly off. Let’s not forget about that.

TL;DR Chad’s dead, though, as The Farm saga comes to an abrupt but thankful close; Alice is fine; as is Polly; Charles is bad at his job.

But thankfully Betty is here to defuse a bomb and rescue cult hostages. Who needs an FBI agent, not-dead long lost brother, anyway?

So yes, Riverdale does us all a favour and finally closes the book on The Farm this week. Things pop off when Chad realises the FBI is spying on him and makes some demands to Betty to get him some cash and an escape plan, sending a bomb-rigged Polly out to show he means business. Betty defuses the situation (literally), and after Charles proves useless to help, goes out on her own to procure the means to rescue Alice from the hotel. She foils a plan to murder all the Farmies along the way (including the old Principal), and Chad finally gets shot down by Alice while preparing to Evel Knievel himself off the rooftop in a rocket or something. Who cares? Riverdale certainly doesn’t. Betty epilogues to Jughead that Polly has been sent off for deprogramming somewhere; Alice is already working on her exposè story; and then Betty receives an ominous VHS tape on her doorstep.

Riverdale is so creatively bankrupt at this point that sure, let’s rip off The Ring or something. An evil VHS tape is still better than an evil board game.

So yeah, Betty gets shit done. Nothing new here.

 

Why I hate this episode:

Everything that isn’t about or involving Betty.

Oh, and there’s a stupid fundraising subplot for Archie wherein all the boys have a sexy car wash, and Kevin is the only one who doesn’t get to take his shirt off. Like, for fuck’s sake.

 

But it’s not all bad:

Betty.

That’s it.

Type A Bitch Alice is back. Bitches.

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About ijusthateeverything

Sincerity is death.

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