Anniversary 2019: The Top 5 TV Shows of the Past Year (For Whatever Reason) – Best Of
As I slowly succumb to the dual pressures of having an actual life, and my laziness, I’ve been covering fewer TV shows on I Just Hate Everything than ever.
But that doesn’t mean I haven’t been watching TV, bitch. Having opinions about TV shows is what makes me special, right?
And I’m going to eschew setting out the rules again this year. You know them by now. Time is linear; anything I watched in the past year counts. Done.
Now, some honourable mentions for ya’ nerve:
- Killjoys: This. Is. Peak cheap Canadian sci-fi. It’s a shame Hannah John-Kamen finally stepped up to the blockbuster plate in the mediocre Ant-Man & The Wasp. Boo.
- Heathers: You were a big pile of shit with a couple of clever ideas, but after all, you were really just forgettable.
- Supergirl: I look forward to this show’s optimism and pride every single week.
- The Magicians: The latest season did a fair bit of water-treading, but I still watch in awe that Sexy And Violent Harry Potter is still on. Well done, you sluts.
But you came for a listicle, baby, so here we go.
Remember how last year you scraped onto the list with hopeful musings from me about how you better get your shit together for Season 3. I wish I could go back in time and slap the tumbler full of gin out of my hand for being so naive.
Sadly, instead of course correcting alla Revenge Season 3 and getting back to what made the show work in the first place, Riverdale has invested everything into the kooky crap that got it a lot of attention on the Internet. But attention on the Internet does not a good show make. Just ask Arrow after they listened to the Olicity crowd.
At present, Riverdale is an embarrassing husk of its former self, maintained only by obligatorily trotted out scenes of shirtless Archie, and Betty being the only actual human being left on the show during her subplots. But I suppose it is a testament to these tiny slivers of joy left to be found that I’m still watching, and still hoping that things could turn around.
There’s always time to course correct between seasons, CW. Be brave. And for God’s sake, no more serial killers.
Moving on from a returning disappointment, let’s head now to an all-new disappointment.
This isn’t the only time you’re going to see an unflattering TVD-verse entry on this list, but we’ll start with Legacies, because holy cow, what happened? I truly believe the pitch for this show was an original concept about rubber suit monsters out to unleash Hell, but it got (unfortunately) plucked from obscurity by Julie Plec, and shoved, without lube or preparation, into the TVD-verse.
Half of the show happens with the characters on the road, which they should have learned is what sucked most of the life out of TVD Season 7. And the whole “it’s set at the Salvatore School” idea seems tangential, as most of the plotlines barely involve the school at all.
Chuck in a distractingly sleepy performance from our lead actress (who had already proven she wasn’t that bad on The Originals. What happened?), some OUaT-esque “who is this show for?” tonal imbalance, and smear that all over the bastardisation of established TVD lore, and you’ve got a textbook spin-off wank.
I don’t know who Plec had to blackmail to get this thing renewed, but I have even less faith that it’ll improve than I do for Riverdale. At least get some more cameos or something next season?
And this is why I don’t have faith Legacies will improve.
Way to take a fucking dump all over the Mikaelsons in their final outing, CW. I think I would have preferred a surprise cancellation with dangling threads than this limp, pathetic excuse for a “planned” final season that got eaten up by Vampire Nazis, new love interests we didn’t want, and the eventual double suicide of the main characters to excuse them from having to appear in the next spin-off.
The only thing keeping me from being truly mad, as opposed to just over it, is that The Originals had been on a downward slide since Season 4. Season 3 was fucking great, but the subsequent two seasons were a waste of time. The final insult was, of course, the forced promotion of Hope to lead status to prepare her for Legacies.
I’ll never forget you TVD-verse. I only wish either of your shows had ended with any dignity.
Now that I’ve gotten all that hatred off my chest, let’s move on to the saving grace of The CW, if not television in its entirety.
I thought my love for Dynasty was pretty out of control after Season 1. But gurl, I was not prepared for the absolute wild, soap operatic ride Dynasty would continue to deliver in its second outing. It feels like 20gayteen never ended when I’m watching Dynasty. From Wizard of Oz fantasy sequences, to evil sibling resurrection reveal twists; from girls trips to Aspen (with singing!), to the blandest, most attractive BAWG you’ll ever meet, Dynasty is my everything.
And in case you missed it, Nicolette Sheridan had to leave production so they shoved Alexis’ face into a fire and then Alexis got plastic surgery and looks like Fallon so Elizabeth Gillies fucking played Alexis. Dynasty. Did. That.
I would gladly trade a hundred Riverdale Season 3s for just one of Dynasty. I’m still waiting for a catfight that ends up in a fountain, though.
Jersey Shore: Family Vacation
I know. I can’t believe it, either.
After the sputtering final few seasons of the OG Jersey, I had no faith that this latest incarnation with grown-ass adults (some who are now parents), and sans original cast member Sammi, would be anything more than a tired bore. You know, like that Snooki & JWoww show.
And at first, it kind of was. But then, oh my, the queen brat herself Angelina showed up, and it was like a dark cloud lifted off my life. What would have been satisfying enough for a single stunt episode then grew into a continued presence in the back half of the first season (part?). But then she came back for the second season (again, part?), and JS:FV cemented itself as more than just Jersey Shore hangover.
Angelina’s redemption arc may have just been the most heartwarming, life-affirming thing I saw on TV all year. Away from the relentless darkness of “prestige TV,” fucking Angelina from Jersey Shore brought me more emotional resonance than anything else from the past twelve months. Thank you, MTV.
But where the fuck is Scream Season 3?