Riverdale Season 3 Episode 15 – TV Review

Riverdale American Dreams Cheryl red dress

A slo-mo step.

It’s another shit episode of Riverdale. Not much more complicated than that.

TL;DR Jughead and Betty find out abut Gina’s druglord plans, and resolve to take her down; Archie and Betty put the “kill the Red Paladin” G&G quest to bed; Veronica continues to be a subplot black hole and has a spat with Reggie about the speakeasy; there are more flaccid relationship woes for Cheryl and Toni; Riverdale is going to try to do another musical episode.

But the music in the Heathers musical is nowhere near as good as Carrie. So uh oh.

Before we get to the garbage dump of the impending Heathers disaster (did they learn nothing?) let’s deal with the meandering garbage dump of this week’s episode. We’ll start with Jughead, who starts keeping a suspicious eye on Gina, exacerbated by her recent purchase of Alice’s house. Veronica later spills the “she’s in town to be a druglord” beans to Betty, who spills them to Jughead, and he wrestles with telling Skeet the truth. But this is Season 3 of Riverdale, bitches, not Season 1, so he doesn’t, and he and Betty scheme to take down Gina in secret. Fuck. Off. Meanwhile, Archie decides to get ahead of this Red Paladin murder quest, and when Hiram confirms he did indeed send out multiple copies of the card, he fakes a follow-up to the quest that pits him against all the challengers in a marathon of boxing matches. Archie comes out on top, and we move slightly closer to being free of G&G. It can’t come too soon. Meanwhile, Reggie thinks it would be super cool if Veronica made him her business partner, but she’s only interested in #MeToo’ing him, and says nah, bro. So he impulsively tries to steal his car back from Gina, and Veronica is forced to take on even more debt to bail him out. So then she fires him. Girl power? Meanwhile, Toni gets sick of Cheryl trying to monopolise her, and wants to move out of Thistle House, prompting Cheryl to demand Kevin make this year’s musical Heathers. Oh, and Alice tries to make a “what about me” romance play for Skeet, but he’d rather have his family.

I wouldn’t know how to pick between Gina Gershon and Madchen Amick, either.

Ugh, I’m exhausted trying to summon any enthusiasm to talk about this episode. Let’s just get this over with.

 

Why I hate this episode:

To harp on about how much Riverdale has fallen since Season 1, goddamn I miss when characters would actually talk to each other. It was Riverdale’s defining characteristic outside of its visual aesthetic, and this episode proves it is completely gone. Just tell Skeet that Gina is bad news, and then we might get an emotional scene between them where they actually talk about it. But nope, let’s instead do some more fucking inane gang bullshit to run Gina out of town or whatever. Isn’t she your mum, Jughead? What the fuck is wrong with you?

Speaking of dirtbag parents, why the hell is Hiram being so generous to Archie? Sure, he kind of saved his life when he was in the hospital, but I assumed their relationship was still heavily strained. But nope, Archie is not only going to him for advice, but actually believing him when he says he only made twelve quest cards. What if he made more?

Everyone’s pretty unbothered by the fact that they’re willingly instigating the “kill Archie” quest. What was stopping any of these proven crazy G&G players from straight-up murdering him at the boxing match?

One of the challengers is dressed as an early-season Hood from Arrow, and it’s presented without comment. Oh, CW. It’s way more confusing than it is cute.

I would have cared a lot more about Alice’s romance plea to Skeet if she hadn’t spent an entire season being a brainwashed cult turd. Oh, so now you expect us to believe you have real emotions and you want us to care? Too late, bitch.

If Riverdale wants to break up Cheryl and Toni, I wish they’d just do it. Don’t make us sit through this petty bullshit.

Holy fuck, Veronica needs to get out of that speakeasy! I don’t care about your stupid, suspension-of-disbelief-obliterating business. Fuck the fuck off.

I am sincerely worried about Heathers being shit. I couldn’t get through half of the YouTube bootleg recording of the off-Broadway cast because the songs were so dull. Why couldn’t they have done Legally Blonde? Or even the Jawbreaker musical? Nobody really knows that one, so there’d be fewer people calling out how subpar the vocals will undoubtedly be.

Oh, and how many episodes are going to end with Archie’s face all mangled from getting beat up? Why isn’t Fred saying anything?

 

But it’s not all bad:

I didn’t mention Luke Perry last week because he was barely in that episode. And he is barely in this one, too. But after two straight weeks of utter trash, it was nice to see his good dad face in the tail end of this one. I hope they let the character leave the show with dignity.

Gina continues to be the centrepiece of the worst major plot in the show, but I’ll keep forgiving her (Gina Gershon, not the show) because she appears to be having so much fun.

Cheryl and Toni’s sex scene is super try hard, but in an endearing, Season 1 kind of way. And not the sleazy, Season 2-onwards style.

Veronica and Toni sing a few bars of Robyn’s Call Your Girlfriend, and it isn’t terrible. It also motivates Cheryl to get into that red dress and get kinky with Toni, so I’ll take it.

Skeet is fifty years old (forty-nine IRL, but close enough)!? Woof, daddy.

Oh, and Skeet and Gina are the true Riverdale hotness dujour. Veronica and Reggie could never.

Riverdale American Dreams Skeet Gina

Show these kids how its done.

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About ijusthateeverything

Sincerity is death.

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