Dynasty Season 2 Episode 12 – TV Review

Dynasty Filthy Games Alexis eating montage

And just like Shangela, robbed of the adulation it deserves.

Dynasty.

Got.

Renewed.

I mean, so did Legacies. But fuck it, I’ll take the win.

TL;DR Fallon desperately tries to make the world think she’s okay after her romantic woes; Sam turns to a self-help shyster in a foolish effort to better himself; but Kirby comes to his aid; Black Driver scraps with Blake over their stupid soccer team; Cristal 2.0’s paternity mystery is outed expertly by Alexis.

And Mr Jennings is on his way, people.

So Fallon’s not doing too well after her big fuck up with Liam last episode. But her wallow in self-pity is jolted off course by a snarky journalist she forgot she had set up an interview with back when she was happy, so now the game is on to pretend to be totally awesome and in-control. He’s not so easily fooled, though, and after a spat with Black Driver almost ruins the plan, she commandeers a party Monica is throwing to fake launching a new company to look oh so impressive. Meanwhile, Sam is taken aback by a tongue lashing from Fallon about being overly materialistic (and news that Steven’s overseas trip is going to last even longer), and leapfrogs Kirby’s reasonable suggestions by hiring some bitch from Instagram who pretends to be a guru. But in reality is really just stealing shit from gullible rich people for resale. She almost gets into business bed with Fallon at the party, as Fallon goes along with her pitch while trying to fake out the journalist, but Kirby saves the day by revealing the scam, and the bitch is banished. But, alas, the journalist witnesses everything, and we’re yet to see what kind of article he’s going to publish. Sam does appreciate Kirby’s friendship, though, and gets his mostly leopard print wardrobe back. Thank God. Meanwhile, Blake and Black Driver butt heads over the motto and philosophy of the soccer team. Blake is all show and spectacle, while Black Driver thinks they should go more community-focused. Blake’s bluster doesn’t impress the other execs, so he steals Black Driver’s idea. Black Driver is none too impressed. And he’s even less impressed when Blake steps down to close out the episode, and Fallon instead will be replacing him. Oh, the sexual tension! And Cristal 2.0 decides she’s going to test the baby’s DNA to see whose it is before she drops the bombshell on Blake. Alexis blackmails Blake’s new driver, White Driver, into fucking it up, and the plan lands the revelation in Blake’s lap. The stress of this motivates his step down from the soccer team. Oh, but Alexis isn’t done yet, as she closes out her episode with White Driver delivering to her Mark Jennings’ phone number.

There’s also an ultra-quick backstory dump about how he was a soccer player and Cristal 2.0’s parents owned the team he played for and he refused to throw a match for them and then they ruined his career. It’s a lot. And totally Dynasty.

This episode is not only totally Dynasty, but it’s also totally Gossip Girl. And I love it.

The Insta-fake guru thing was giving me shades of Poppy Lifton. And Blair was also one for lounging gloomily in her luxurious bed.

And there’s yet another arbitrary party. That’s how you know you’re in Gossip Girl territory.

If that rumoured Gossip Girl reboot/revival ever happens, they better hope they can keep up with the Dynasty kids, hunty.

 

Why I hate this episode:

Let’s hope they have the foresight not to purchase a soccer team, though. Who cares, man? I don’t think even Fallon and Black Driver duking it out over board meetings could make me care about soccer.

Sam announcing an extension to Steven’s absence via some throwaway dialogue continues to insult the character. Either bring him back, or have him and Sam break up. A locked-down-by-marriage Sam is no good if Steven isn’t here.

Fallon is comprehensively outclassed by Monica’s lewks this episode. Monica has always been one to turn a lewk, and often better than Fallon. But the difference in quality between them this week was far too much. Maybe it was a reflection of Fallon’s depression?

The Blake/Black Driver argument is a rehash of the same difference of approach from last episode.

Oh, and minor complaint: White Driver is effectively just Hank. A dumb, eager-to-please lackey for Alexis to order around. And Dynasty doesn’t keep this one around, either (Alexis hands over the blackmail material she has on him). At least Hank had the Oedipus kink.

 

But it’s not all bad:

Alexis ordering around dumb white boys will always give me life. Here’s hoping this isn’t the last we’ll see of White Driver.

I almost threw my martini glass at the TV when White Driver swapped out the DNA swab in Cristal 2.0’s test kit for a swab of the dog. Because obviously the lab will notice something is wrong with that. But then Alexis saved it later by pointing this very fact out: he should have just used a non-Carrington human swab, which would have been guaranteed to not be a match. Her exaggerated frustration with Hank’s stupidity was the best part of their relationship. Glad to see she’s still got it.

Alexis’ pettiness really does win the episode. Not only because it’s so much fun, but also because it’s successful. She rallies and saves the almost-botched DNA swab job by intercepting the phone call from the lab requesting another sample, and innocently handing off the phone to Blake who then finds out what Cristal 2.0 had been up to. Well done, bitch.

Alexis also gets the trademark Dynasty physical comedy moment of the episode during the montage of waiting for the phone call, where she goes from lightly snacking as above, to then with a full fruit plate, to then cracking open a fucking lobster to eat while she waits. All while looking absolutely flawless. More of this. Always.

Fallon’s episode largely sees her doing stupid shit because of her boy troubles, so I wasn’t really here for it. But I do admire the lengths she’ll go to in her desperation. She never gave up. I wonder what the article will do to her?

And she closes out her episode by admitting she’s not okay, and asking Blake for help. So lovely.

Sam’s subplot was total schtick, and it’s the kind of pointless B Plot that keeps things fun. Big points go to Miss Guru Thing, who is relentless in her pursuit, having a slippery self-love-BS answer for every objection Kirby raises. And her crazy eyes when she chugs champagne while eyeing Fallon at the party are delicious.

Cristal 2.0 offers to let Fallon touch her hair to help her feel better. I sincerely hope this becomes a running joke.

The journalist is played by Maulik Pancholy. I wouldn’t object to some more 30 Rock alumni up in here.

Oh, and I don’t know why everyone was giving Fallon such a hard time. A bottomless supply of gin, having my dog next to me, and a movie sounds like a pretty good weeknight to me.

Dynasty Filthy Games Fallon bed martini

Just kidding. I don’t have the attention span to watch movies, anymore.

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About ijusthateeverything

Sincerity is death.

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