Dynasty Season 2 Episode 5 – TV Review

All Stars 4 is going to have to do more than pad out a reveal video to an hour on YouTube if it hopes to out-gay Dynasty as the most gag-worthy show on television.

Although, Elizabeth Gillies and Nicolette Sheridan as guest judges, hmm? I would live.

TL;DR Fallon finally works to end her fake relationship with Liam, but the flames of passion rise; Black Driver’s bid to get out from under Blonde Business Bitch fails spectacularly; Blake gets closer to Cristal 2.0 as Alexis grinds her teeth from the sidelines; Hank is kept at bay, but a new challenger rises; Sam and Kirby might be getting pregnant.

I assume they won’t be using Steven’s sperm, though, right? They’re the Carringtons, not the Blossoms.

So oh my God, you guys (yes I’ve seen Legally Blonde The Musical again recently. I hate me, too), Liam’s back and features in the A Plot. Photos of Fallon and Black Driver together leak, so Fallon decides it’s time to end her fake marriage to Liam by holding a fabulous divorce party. She spares no expense, and Liam insists it’s because she actually does have feelings for him. Following some ominous fortunes from a visiting psychic, Fallon gets it in her head that Black Driver is cheating on her (not helped by him denying getting calls from Blonde Business Bitch’s husky voice), and so gets drunk at the party and hooks the fuck up with Liam. Unfortunately, just before sealing the deal, she realises the prophecy about betrayal was actually what she has now done to Black Driver, and a just-walked-in Jeff agrees to keep it a secret. Meanwhile, Black Driver fills Jeff in on his problems with BBB, and they scheme to set up another poker game to entrap her. She shows up, but their hidden camera game fails when BBB outsmarts them, and now Black Driver is even more in the hole. Whoops. Meanwhile, Cristal 2.0 claims she’s sticking around with Blake out of the goodness of her heart, but Alexis blows up her spot by revealing she’s found out she’s actually lost her job and has nowhere else to go. We later learn this is because Blake bought out her clinic and closed it down so she would be lured back. Creepy. Meanwhile, Sam struggles to find his place without Steven. Cristal 2.0 suggests they bring in the psychic, and his fortune involves new life. So when Kirby pops up without a subplot to call home at the end of the episode, he gets the idea that she could be a surrogate for him and Steven. And Alexis spends her episode (in between sniping with Cristal 2.0) going into damage control when Hank stupidly attempts to sell the Rembrandt she gave him for collateral. When Blake finds out what’s up, he flies into a murderous, vengeful rage at this chance to get back at Cristal’s killer, but Alexis manages to intercept Hank and make it look like she was the one trying to sell the painting. It stalls him for now, but the episode closes as Hank returns empty-handed to none other than motherfuckin’ Claudia (and her baby), as she announces it’s her turn to take on the Carringtons.

She’s killed one before. And she killed her own husband. So what I’m saying is, she’s got qualifications.

Dynasty honestly just keeps getting better and better. And I didn’t even mention that Black Driver and my husbando Liam both have gratuitous shirtless scenes.

And Alexis has a daywear villain outfit on while threatening an art forger.

And Hank lets Claudia’s baby suck on his fake finger.

Dynasty really has it all.

 

Why I hate this episode:

The only thing it doesn’t have is something for poor Kirby to do. She was introduced firstly as some kind of mythical menace, and then later when she actually showed up she vowed a roaring rampage of revenge against Fallon, and then against Alexis. But now she’s reduced to just having silly chit chats with Sam? Weak.

Jeff and Black Driver’s subplot does give them something to do, but that something is stupid gangster bullshit with Blonde Business Bitch. The hole in their plan is that the footage they recorded of her saying illegal stuff is stolen. But isn’t Jeff a technological wizard? He didn’t think to cloud store that or some shit? Or he can’t find a way to retrieve it? Weak.

James Mackay has been removed from the opening credits. I am not fucking happy about this at all. He just got his hotness.

Oh, and dafuq is up with Blake manipulating Cristal 2.0, and with Alan Dale apparently being on board with the plan? We knew Blake was an (intermittent) monster, but Alan Dale has generally been morally upstanding.

 

But it’s not all bad:

On the subject of Cristal 2.0, I got my literal jush when Alexis refers to her as, verbatim, “Cristal 2.0.” I am God. I made this happen.

Alexis also later refers to her as “substitute Cristal,” which is also accurate. And the fact that Dynasty is acknowledging this really makes me hope that a reveal of OG Cristal will happen.

Alexis gets the best line of the episode during one of her sniping rounds with Cristal 2.0 wherein they’re measuring vaginas over who Blake is interested in: “You may think that you’re replacing me, but if you haven’t noticed, Cristals come and go around here.” Fucking vicious.

Alexis’ subplot about trying to intercept Hank’s art deal is also a great little caper to break up the bigger goings-on this episode. I love that the Rembrandt is actually a fake, and Alexis and Blake’s art dealer hiss at each other about who’s going down for it.

But as fun as Alexis’ distractions might be, this is Fallon’s episode, and the culmination (so far, at least) of the Liam/Fallon/Black Driver love triangle. Liam is on her ass about how she must have feelings for him, so it was satisfying when he revealed at the divorce party that he’s the one who leaked the photos for the story that set the episode in motion. Because he wants her to truly confront how she feels. I’m sure Fallon was quietly appreciating the scheming aptitude he showed.

Luckily for Liam, Fallon gets drunk at the divorce party, so is more than happy to go in for that Last Kiss he wanted. She grabs his head and everything. It got me hot.

Fallon is driven to drink following the psychic’s prediction that a bare chested man will lead to a betrayal. Cue a scene of Black Driver with his bare chest out, which leads to Fallon answering his phone while he’s in the shower and getting BBB’s sultry sounds on the other end. To Fallon’s credit, too, she openly confronts Black Driver about this (learning some lessons from Riverdale, I see. Gossip Girl isn’t the best role model for all things), and he has to deny it to keep his poker game sting quiet.

The episode peaks when Fallon moves to a back room at Club Colby (oh, did I mention that Black Driver arranged for both his poker game and the divorce party to be held at the same venue so he could Mrs Doubtfire dinner scene things?) to hook up with Liam properly, but then she sees Liam shirtless, and realises that the betrayer in the prediction was actually herself. Points for self-awareness, baby.

BBB may still be basically a plot obstacle, but she is super committed to being a huge cunt. And I appreciate that.

I like that Fallon seems to have repaired her friendship with Monica this episode. And even Jeff, too, is kind to her when he walks in on Fallon post-make-out with Liam. He confirms Black Driver isn’t cheating, and agrees to keep what he’s witnessed secret. As long as she comes clean to Black Driver herself. We’ll see.

I am completely on board with whatever shit Claudia is going to pull. I just knew she and Hank wouldn’t have split up after they fled the wedding together in the season finale. Let’s get mentally unstable up in here.

Alexis ends her time in the episode by paying a last visit to the psychic. She says she sees a man marrying Alexis, but soon after he will die. Blake has a small moment this episode where he seems to have some chest pain, so I guess that could be it. But I am infinitely here for another Alexis love interest.

Oh, and goddamn, I don’t know how Fallon managed to abort her backroom fuck with Liam after he opened his shirt. But I will be forever grateful that Dynasty brought this into our lives.

Dynasty Queen of Cups Liam shirtless

No more captions. Just fuck me.

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About ijusthateeverything

Sincerity is death.

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