Heathers Season 1 Episode 3 – TV Review
I’m only kidding. Of course this show has writers.
Where else would the painfully overwrought dialogue come from?
TL;DR Heathers falls into an American Horror Story-sized hole of having no characters worth rooting for; because it turns out Veronica is irredeemable; Heather McNamara is totally dead; Heather Chandler gets a subplot where she gets to sing (we’re not Riverdale, we swear!); Heather Duke struggles with dating a normie; JD mostly mopes.
And then murders. Because the boy may be too edgy for grief and marriage, but he’s definitely here for being a slasher movie villain wannabe.
So yeah, Heather McNamara is dead for real, and Chandler obligatorily hogs the attention at her funeral. The school decides to put on a musical about teen suicide in response, so Chandler naturally hustles to get the leading role. We get a teensy bit of sympathetic character building when we discover her mum doesn’t like her very much, but Chandler continues on with her hatefulness. She bullies Heather Duke after discovering he’s dating dumb and bland gay jock Kurt, but her scheming backfires when the black girl she’s grooming to be her replacement McNamara upstages her at the musical audition. It made me smile. Meanwhile, Heather Duke seems to be genuinely interested in Kurt, but pushes him away both for fear of seeming basic, and also because Heather Chandler makes him. But it doesn’t make him happy. Meanwhile, Veronica quickly becomes fed up with JD’s brooding and edginess, and decides to give things a go with dumb and bland straight jock Ram. They have a nice date and Veronica seems to be back on the girl next door path, but the episode ends with a bewildering snapback as JD murders Ram in front of Veronica, and Veronica’s pussy gets wet.
Not since American Horror Story Season 5 has there been such a dearth of heroic characters. Is Heather Duke our only hope?
I’ll firstly say that, compared to the uneventfulness of the the second episode, this one is making the right moves to get back to being wacky and brash. Sure, Veronica getting turned on by Ram’s death pissed me right the fuck off, but I’d rather Heathers piss me off than bore me.
Which means I should be thankful that Heather McNamara was the first to bite it.
Why I hate this episode:
Her death, however, leads to the phenomenally awful worst line of the episode, as Heathers the TV Series blows its wad on the movie’s most iconic line both too early, and in a rubbish twist: “We love our dead, straight daughter.” As I’ve said, I’m no uber fan of the movie, having only seen it once. But I do live in a pop culture-referencing world, and to waste that line like that? Unforgivable.
I will also now never be forgiving Veronica for her reaction to Ram’s death. Ram was a sweet, decent guy. He was best friends with a gay man, and was supportive of said best friend’s relationship with Heather Duke. We didn’t see him do anything mean spirited. And he was a blandly attractive white guy. So yes, I am upset that he was killed off by fuckhead JD, and then used as fetish fuel by cuntbag Veronica. Heathers better really lean into her as a villain protagonist, because if they think she can come back from this as a hero, they’re fucking wrong.
Speaking of cunts, Heather Chandler continues to be one. It’s not surprising, and it doesn’t rile me up like Veronica does. But she’s still a big fat cunt.
I complained about JD not being dark enough before, and this episode thinks the corrective course of action for that is to just make him moodier. He wanks off at Veronica about how he’s above the pageantry of funerals, and later delivers a groaner of a monologue to his dad and his new, nice girlfriend about the horrors of marriage. Shut the fuck up.
Oh, and I’ve started to notice that JD looks kind of like early years Dan from Gossip Girl (with more hair, obv). And now I can’t unsee it.
But it’s not all bad:
If Heathers can get Gossip Girl comparisons rather than American Horror Story or Scream Queens comparisons, then it should be grateful.
Our only hope left in the hero department seems to be Heather Duke. He wasn’t very nice in the past two episodes, but now next to Heather Chandler and Veronica, he’s downright lovely. I’d like to believe that the show is purposely building up Chandler’s mistreatment of him to then have him rebel against her. Mainly because if they get into a public argument, I’d be interested to see how Chandler decides to insult him without saying anything that would offend tumblr.
Duke also seems to genuinely enjoy being friends with Veronica. Their interactions are the only ones in the episode that don’t have any underlying hostility or falseness. As far as my fake bitch eyes can tell.
Duke’s subplot with Kurt was kind of predictable, but I appreciate the commentary on how Duke has to pretend to not be that into Kurt because he’s basic, but in reality Duke really does care about him. I hope they can work it out.
Heather Duke gets the episode’s best line when discussing his sex life with Kurt: “I only let him suck me off. I would return the favour, but I honestly can’t be bothered.” I think he was just saying that to look tough. But I lol’d.
Ram is gone too soon from this show, because goddamn, we needed someone who isn’t a complete arsehole around here. And it was refreshing to have the typical jock footballer character end up being the nicest character in the show, as well as an actually sympathetic victim. I was honestly sad when his hanged body swung down over that bridge.
Veronica is a lying, evil piece of shit, but she gets the episode’s second best line during her Good Girl phase when she disses JD’s edginess: “You have the political beliefs of a dorm room poster.” So does that mean Veronica is one of those girls who makes out with her posters?
Chandler and Replacement Black Girl’s rendition of Heaven Is a Place on Earth was good. Riverdale it ain’t, but Glee it ain’t (yet), either.
The teen suicide musical is Drew Droege’s idea. Always more Drew Droege. Serving Mr G realness.
Drew Droege visits Heather Chandler’s mum (apparently they’re old friends) to talk about the musical. Heather Chandler’s mum rubbishes her daughter to him, and calls her fat and untalented. Hey, she earned it.
Oh, and I wish the episode had leaned into it more, but I got a bit of Sharpay and Ryan from High School Musical from Chandler and Duke.