Once Upon a Time Season 7 Episode 17 – TV Review

OUaT Chosen Sabine

It’s what Henry deserves. Because Sabine/Tiana should have been our lead and no I won’t stop saying it.

Don’t get your hopes up too much, people. The above image is deceptive.

It’s actually a Zelena episode.

But possibly the final Zelena episode?

Okay, I’m in. You got me.

TL;DR Flashbacks show how it was actually Zelena who burned baby Hansel (and also she had the hots for his dad); present day Nick’s plans to murder Zelena are foiled; Henry is reunited with Jacinda and resolves to stay in Hyperion Heights; Prince Naveen is awake and under Samdi’s thumb; Zelena leaves town with her hot fiancè.

First Annie Wersching over on Runaways, and now Zelena? Kip Pardue must have a thing for evil redheads.

So as is becoming tradition, we’ll start with the flashbacks, because they’re not really that important. Basically, Hansel and Gretel were denizens of Oz, as was the (not yet) blind witch, and Zelena got into a fight with her and lost. The kids’ hunky, blind father nursed Zelena back to health, and her horniness eventually sees her resolve to save the kids and steal the witch’s sight for Papa Ivo. But oops, Hansel and Gretel had already rescued themselves and out Zelena as the Wicked Witch to their dad. He closes his legs to her, and then Hansel randomly tries to stab Zelena so she burns his arms. Who cares? Present day Hansel/Nick/Jack evidently does, as we learn he is properly awake from the curse. His scheme to murder Zelena involves abducting her hot fiancè (what is it with Nick and homoerotic abductions?), but Zelena unleashes some surprising whoop-ass on him and all ends up well. So well, in fact, that Zelena leaves town with her betrothed, hopefully never to return. Meanwhile, Henry spends his pre-rescue episode time being harangued by Nick into believing in fairytales, but he doesn’t. He does believe in staying in Hyperion Heights mediocrity, rather than go for a dream job in New York, though. Meanwhile, Regina and Gold offer Zelena some token support to get their obligatory screentime. As does Robin, who chooses to stay in Hyperion Heights to see how things turn out with Tilly. And in a barely-there subplot, we find out Naveen/Drew is awake and owes Samdi/Facilier some nebulous debt. Naveen earns Sabine’s trust, which apparently has magical properties that Samdi transfers into a voodoo doll so he can magically murder Nick. Because he’s the one who awoke Nick and he’s now a loose end.

Why didn’t you just shoot him?

This is another inoffensive episode of OUaT. I, too, am shocked that I would be saying that about a Zelena episode.

But any Zelena episode that results in Zelena possibly leaving the show gets my stamp of approval. I assume they’ll dredge her back up for the finale, but I’ll happily take a few episodes sans Zelena when I can get them.

 

Why I hate this episode:

But don’t you worry, there’s time for a bullshit flashback love interest go-nowhere plot before she’s out. I mean, yeah, Ivo was total husbando material (woof), but, deep in season 7 of Once Upon a Time, was it absolutely vital to have a throwaway episode about how the Wicked Witch of the West one time almost banged Hansel and Gretel’s dad? Like, why, show?

Also, Zelena’s theft of the gingerbread house witch’s eyesight was far more horrifying than I expected. That’s fucked up. No wonder Ivo refused to accept it.

And where did Hansel’s little stab-happy outburst come from? The drama of that scene had concluded, but then the show remembered that we have to burn Hansel’s arms somehow. So instead of that happening in the blind witch’s oven like a real story that makes sense, Zelena arbitrarily uses her magic to snake fire from the fireplace around his arms (and only his arms) on the back of some lame one-liner about messing with witches gets you “burned?” Like, why, show?

It’s a shame that Gretel, played lest we not forget by TVD’s Sara Canning, was the member of the duo that got less focus. Because Nathan Parsons’ Nick/Jack/Hansel was bland as hell, baby. You won’t be missed.

Why didn’t Samdi just shoot Nick? Did we need a subplot where Naveen has to earn Sabine’s trust so Samdi can use the magic from that to imbue a voodoo doll to murder Nick when he was already bound and vulnerable in an unmonitored interrogation room? And on that same note, Samdi bemoans how his vision for awakening Nick was to get him to kill Gothel. Bitch, just shoot her.

Oh, and not that Gold and Zelena have the best relationship, but she goes to him for help with her “I just received the serial killer’s calling card” problem, and all he does is give her her depowered magical necklace and advise her to embrace her past. That’s cold, dude.

 

But it’s not all bad:

The episode tries to pay off on this by Zelena choosing to fight back against Nick because she’s a bad bitch. And while I wholeheartedly don’t buy any of that, I did find myself surprisingly on board for Zelena going beast mode in her tussle with Nick, even going so far as to hold the knife to his throat with a sneer. She knew his one weakness: getting injured physically.

Gold’s cuntishness towards Zelena also earns him a deliciously catty best line of the episode when she presents him with the calling card box of chocolates: “So how does it feel to finally be chosen before Regina?” That’s a deep cut.

I’ll give Zelena snaps for landing Kip Pardue. I don’t know how she did, but damn, girl. I’d leave town with that.

Snaps also for almost hitting Daddy Ivo. Yeah, he’s a little older. But he’s blind, loves his children, and knows how to work with his hands. What was Zelena doing trying to shack up with Hades back in Season 5 when she could have been landing this kind of primo dick all along? You wasted your time, gurl.

Regina’s back. So that’s something.

Oh, and in a knife fight to the death between my least favourite character from Once Upon a Time, and my least favourite character from The Originals, no matter who wins, I win. Cheers.

OUaT Chosen Nick Zelena knife fight

And OUaT needs to celebrate any wins it can. Because it has oh so few these days.

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About ijusthateeverything

Sincerity is death.

3 responses to “Once Upon a Time Season 7 Episode 17 – TV Review”

  1. Black Hawk says :

    These reviews are horrible 🤦🏼‍♀️. Just. Don’t. Do. Them.

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