Once Upon a Time Season 7 Episode 14 – TV Review

OUaT The Girl in the Tower Regina Samdi date

I wouldn’t say no to being the meat in the middle of a Regina/Samdi sandwich.

The good thing about this episode is that it’s ambitionless and inoffensive.

The bad thing is you have to listen to a lot of Tilly/Alice’s accent.

Hey, it could be worse.

TL;DR Alice and Robin are the stars of some bland flashbacks that don’t achieve much; present day Tilly is cleared of suspicion for the witch murders; Regina and Lucy move against Samdi/Facilier, but Zelena cocks it up; but Regina is still kind of in love with him.

With only a handful of episodes left to find true love for the Happily Ever Afters, I’d say it’s time for Regina to lock down any man she can get her hands on. Before Zelena rapes him for another baby.

So we’ll get the flashbacks out of the way first, because they achieve so little. A now-young adult Alice is freed from her tower imprisonment by a friendly giant troll, so she journeys to scope out Fook living a happy existence with Henry and co. Robin catches her and thinks she’s an enemy spy, but they sort it out. Sadly, though, Robin is intent on hunting down the friendly troll to kill and prove her archer father’s legacy, and Alice insists on shadowing her to stop her from committing the murder. They run across an anti-troll lynch mob and are briefly jailed due to Alice’s troll-loving talk, before Robin frees herself and gets back on the hunt. Yada yada yada Alice gets out, too, and stops Robin from killing the troll, who in turn changes her mind and opposes the lynch mob. Alice then realises she has magic and summons them Emma’s car to escape, and their time in the flashbacks end as the troll reappears to symbolically destroy the tower, setting Alice free. Meanwhile in the present, Rogers and Henry are keen to prove Tilly’s innocence. She has trouble remembering where she went, and is also disheartened to discover the townsfolk she knows all by name don’t remember her, either. But eventually a hidden camera is found in the troll statue’s eye, and this proves her alibi. Cool? Earthrealm’s iteration of Robin also treks back into town and has a minor flirtation with her. Meanwhile, Regina and Lucy enact a scheme for Regina to distract Samdi while Lucy spies in his apartment. A suspicious Zelena screws things up, and Samdi discovers their ruse. But he is refreshingly frank with Regina, declaring his plan is to take the Dark One dagger and presumably their power. Regina isn’t so hot on him killing her old friend, Rumple. But if the dick is good…

Think: what would Queenie do?

My goodwill from the Tiana episode is still keeping me afloat. And given how mercifully bland this episode is, I’ll give it a soft pass.

I think the absence of Jacinda didn’t hurt, either.

 

Why I hate this episode:

After all the water-treading of the flashbacks, and Robin and Alice never even properly flirted. We’ve already seen them kissing, Disney. Just get to it, already. You don’t have time to be coy.

Alice’s nebulous magic is also cause for concern. It seems like if she wishes for something to happen, then it will. Like when she wished for a way out of the tower and the troll appeared. And when she desperately needed an escape from the lynch mob, and the car appeared. That’s some dangerous, potential deus ex machina garbage you’ve got on your hands, show.

Speaking of the lynch mob, the only truly insufferable thing that occurs is when they play gender politics with Robin. She can’t possibly be a hunter/archer/warrior, she’s a giiiirrrrllllllll. Fuckin’ eye roll.

Robin’s realisation that to honour her father’s legacy she should be a hero, rather than a roving troll murderer, is also pretty eye roll-worthy. A duh, honey.

I understand the point the show is making about how Tilly isn’t memorable to the townspeople. But are you telling me that her grating accent and all-around craziness would go unnoticed? I’ve worked in retail. I don’t think so.

Lucy finds the Death Card, one of many laid out in Samdi/Facilier’s apartment, and this is what gets a bee in hers and Regina’s bonnet. Bitch, anyone who’s seen that flash forward episode of The Simpsons knows the meaning isn’t literal. Don’t be so braindead, ABC.

Oh, and Adelaide it seems truly is committed to being nice, now, as she declines Henry’s offer to help her, and makes a full-blown apology (vaguely, of course, because he isn’t awake) and leaves. Weak, bitch.

 

But it’s not all bad:

Again, at least Jacinda isn’t in this episode. And any episode that features Adelaide and not Jacinda is a win in my book.

Regina is, in a shock to nobody, the best thing about the episode. Her plan to distract Samdi with a date isn’t revolutionary, but it works. Because their connection is apparently real.

Zelena plays her old move of being a jealous, meddling douche and ruins their date with a funny tirade about how she knows Samdi’s awake and she’s upset for them trying to trick her. If Zelena’s going to stick around, and she has now for several seasons too many, then I’m happy for her to be petty. As long as it’s entertaining.

She and Regina also have some minor girl talk at the end about how Regina does actually have feelings for Samdi/Facilier. I’m okay with it.

Samdi/Facilier’s goal of wanting the Dark One dagger is interesting. I presume it’s to get magic, because he doesn’t have his in Earthrealm? Is Gold able to do magic? Have I been paying any attention? I don’t know, but I do want to find out.

Regina earns the best line of the episode after this revelation: “Despite our twisted history, Rumple is my oldest friend.” Aww, shucks.

Alice’s accent may be grating, and Robin may be bland and stupid, but I’ll support a legitimate same sex pairing in a Disney property. It’ll bring us one step closer to getting one of the big movie franchises to try it out. The fact that they’re both skinny, white, blonde lipsticks doesn’t hurt, either, I guess.

Oh, and I’m in for more Regina/Zelena cocktail kiki hours. Sign me up.

OUaT The Girl in the Tower Regina Zelena cocktail

Hard liquor is often the cause of the need to say “I’m sorry” in the first place. Or is that just me?

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About ijusthateeverything

Sincerity is death.

3 responses to “Once Upon a Time Season 7 Episode 14 – TV Review”

  1. SlayerNina Fansub (@slayernina) says :

    I wonder how they could make Robin more interesting. Because in paper, “lesbian daughter of Robin Hood” sounds a good idea to me :/

    Ugh, this show has a lot of wasted potential

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