Dynasty Season 1 Episode 16 – TV Review

Dynasty Poor Little Rich Girl Alexis arrives

I came.

It. Is. Finally. Happening. People.

And to think, this is only the ending stinger cap on another fabu episode of Dynasty.

I don’t know what we gays did to deserve this show, but I’m grateful.

TL;DR Grandpa is dead, so naturally there is funeral drama; Blake struggles to grieve; Cristal struggles to affirm her commitment to Blake; Jeff strikes out at Fallon, but only makes more enemies; Steven boinks his way to getting Sam a visa; and a marriage proposal (!); Liam indeed is more than he seems; Alexis crashes the funeral in a deliriously overwrought final reel.

And the promo for next week already includes a pool-diving catfight. I am jushing.

But let’s get there, first. So, sadly, Grandpa Carrington didn’t survive his heart attack from last episode. As part of his will, Blake is tasked with going to his Savannah home to retrieve a book. Blake fights his grief from every angle, but Cristal convinces him they should go. Things only get worse, though, as Blake spitefully tells Cristal her attempts to control him remind him of Alexis. Blake does find the book, though, and within it a video tape of Grandpa declaring that he does in fact love his son. Aww. Cristal also gets “aww” points, as it seems she’s edging towards divorce from Blake, but she clarifies this to Alan Dale later on: she’s actually contacting her lawyer to amend their prenup to ensure she gets no money from the union, in order to pledge herself more to Blake. Aww to the max. Meanwhile, Fallon awkwardly juggles breaking the news of her Jeff breakup with keeping Sham Hubby No. 2 Liam around to prop up her story. Jeff gets bitter at Fallon in the media and orchestrates bad press for her, vowing to take back everything she won from him. But this only lands Jeff in hot water with Monica, who wrests guardianship of Cecil from Jeff and leaves him cold and alone. Fallon’s attempts to keep Liam hanging on put him off side, too, but things seem to course correct when she offers him an apology. Juicily, though, when Liam accompanies her to the funeral, multiple society people seem to vaguely recognise him as someone named Jack. Oh, honey, you know he’s a-schemin’. Meanwhile, Black Driver drifts further away from Fallon. Meanwhile, Sam gets served by Immigration thanks to Grandpa. So Steven uses his manly wiles and fucks a returning Kelly Rutherford, his apparent ex-girlfriend (!), to get some senatorial help from her husband. It works, and Steven proposes marriage to Sam at the funeral. Sam accepts. Meanwhile, Alan Dale slaps Blake for badmouthing Grandpa, but his fidelity to the Carrington patriarch is soured when he finds out he was the one who called ICE on Sam. Oh, and of course, the episode ends in grandiose fashion as Alexis motherfucking Carrington strolls into the funeral, black and white power suit and all.

I know they have basically no connection, but I’m salivating over the possibility of a future Alexis vs Kelly Rutherford catfight. Preferably next to a fountain?

We’ve come a long way from Claudia brain damage/Nick Wechsler equipment explosion nonsense, haven’t we?

Now we just need Fallon to dramatically reveal that she killed a guy one time while Cristal cradles her on a staircase, and we’ll be reaching Gossip Girl levels of end-of-Season 1 brilliance.

I’m ready.

 

Why I hate this episode:

The Cristal/Blake drama is predicated on poor communication. This is the one field in which Riverdale consistently outshines Dynasty. But then again, Dynasty is intentionally a big, trashy, primetime soap opera, and poor communication drama is one of the tropes.

I wish Black Driver would make up his mind about whether or not he really does want to be with Fallon.

Steven and Fallon don’t perform at the funeral as promised.

Oh, and although Jeff’s retaliation against Fallon leads to a very satisfying blow-up from her, I don’t see how making the press dislike her would compel her to hand back Morell Corp or her stake in Jeff’s company.

 

But it’s not all bad:

Fallon does unleash some cartoonish, but also genuinely furious, gold in her tirade against Jeff. And he captures it on camera and releases it to the press. This is the kind of day-to-day scheming that I expect from the Dynasty crew, so I’m happy.

The outcome of all of Jeff’s disses to Fallon is that Monica takes Cecil away from Jeff, as she (probably accurately) expects Fallon’s subsequent attacks back at him to likely cause collateral damage to herself and their father. Jeff now has no allies left. Unless he can convince Alexis, hmm?

That seems doubtful, though, as it’s explained that Grandpa Carrington and Alexis had a pretty tight bond, and Blake even says that Grandpa preferred Alexis to Blake. A small, pessimistic part of me worries that this bond may have been sexual. But in any case, I doubt Alexis would join forces with Jeff Colby.

Blake’s emotional growth this episode (for the moment) pulls him out of the villain race that he seemed to be winning last week, but I’m here for it. His drunken admission to Steven and Fallon that he loves them and that he’s sorry for heaping the most recent atrocities upon them (the Ted thing, and the wedding) is super lovely.

I’m still a little apprehensive of his relationship with Cristal, as when he stumbles upon the divorce lawyer’s card in her bag, he is not impressed. But I hope Cristal (or a nosy Alan Dale) can communicate to him Cristal’s true, altruistic motives soon enough.

Alan Dale works his magic to steal all the moments he can this episode. When Blake is bitching about not wanting to go to Savannah, Alan Dale straight bitch slaps him in the face, in front of everyone. Catfights: not just for the ladies, anymore.

His involvement with the Sam subplot continues his trend of being a secret marshmallow. He reveals, sadly, that Grandpa Carrington is the one who called ICE, which casts a pall over his plan to drink champagne from the Titanic in Grandpa’s honour. But thankfully, this comes full circle near the end, as Alan Dale hosts a toast (and cupcakes) to celebrate Sam’s visa, quipping that Grandpa would have hated them celebrating such a thing. I thought Alan Dale’s character was unnecessary back at the start of the season. I was wrong.

Steven brings a tasty reveal that he not only used to bang Kelly Rutherford, but that he’s also willing to whore himself out to her in the present for political favours. The lovable dope thing is all just a facade, people. He’s in it to win it.

Kelly Rutherford’s horny tenacity should also be commended. Steven is even like “but I’m gay now” and she doesn’t care. She wants that dick, baby. And she gets it. Please keep coming back for more, Kelly.

Liam is more than he at first seemed, naturally. He makes a big show about not wanting more of Fallon’s money and preferring to just return to his normal life. But the fact that the society people at the funeral seem to recognise him means he must also be from money. Or he’s pulled this kind of scam before. Either way, I’m in.

Although Fallon and Steven don’t perform at the funeral, we do get a scene of them practicing. Somebody get this girl a cameo on Crazy Ex-Girlfriend. Or at least Riverdale?

Steven goes off-script during the eulogy and declares his love for Sam while speaking in Spanish. He also proposes marriage, and Sam nods a discreet “yes.” The crowd is confused, obviously, except for Cristal, who is getting her faghag life, gurl. I agree.

This then leads us into the final run of the episode, as Blake steps in to complete the eulogy and sincerely expresses his joy in learning his father did love him. But things take a twist for the wacky in all the right ways as organ music and ominous Latin chanting takes over the soundtrack, and we get shots of Sam and Steven having sex in the church violently enough to knock a cross on the wall crooked, intercut with Alexis’ Louboutins stepping out of her limousine.

This of course culminates in her bursting into the church in a divine black and white 80s power suit (with enormous, billowing sleeves), and everyone stares, mouths agape. Me most of all, obv.

Oh, and in an episode with high fashion funeral wear, Fallon wearing red latex thigh high boots for her day wear, and hot gay church sex, Dynasty also lets rip with gratuitous male shirtlessness. I’m telling you, even over Drag Race, Dynasty is the gayest show on television.

Dynasty Poor Little Rich Girl LIam shirtless

Now that Paula Malcolmson’s gone, it’s the only reason I’m going to keep watching Krypton.

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About ijusthateeverything

Sincerity is death.

5 responses to “Dynasty Season 1 Episode 16 – TV Review”

  1. Anonymous says :

    and here it is…
    What about Alexis entrance? the long shot to her black and red stilettoes that lady gaga hat and all of that during Dies Irae from Mozart (dies irae in latin means the day of rage it has reference to the apocalypse in the bible). such promises…

    Can’t wait to see next episode!!

    • ijusthateeverything says :

      Part of me is worried there’s no way Nicolette Sheridan could live up to the amount of hype I’ve built for myself.

      But then the promo showed her and Fallon falling into the pool mid-catfight, so I think we’ll be okay.

  2. Amadan says :

    I believe

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