Once Upon a Time Season 7 Episode 13 – TV Review

OUaT Knightfall Regina

“No momentum. No fun. But hey, more Fook, eh?.” -OUaT

Trust Once Upon a Time to go from the nadir of a Zelena episode, to the restoration of my faith last week, to now another dip into Turd City with this, a Fook episode.

Less than ten episodes to go, everyone, and we’ll be free.

TL;DR Fook flashbacks tread water, and it’s not cute; present day Rogers continues to flail around without his memories; Carlyle seems happy to wait on the sidelines and is no help at all; Adelaide is the fastest ice queen to defrost ever (or is she!?); Lucy goes to Regina for help.

“Operation: Hyacinth” isn’t going to sound cool no matter how you spin it, though, show.

So for fuck’s sake, let’s get these flashbacks out of the way. After raising Alice for a while, Fook decides he’s going to go get magical help to free her from the tower. He seeks out Rumple (because we’re in the Wish Realm? I think?), who bargains Fook’s help to get free of his present dungeon in exchange for freeing Alice. Fook must go on a fetch quest for Maui’s fish hook, but Captain Ahab has it, and a pirate dick-measuring contest ensues. Fook momentarily puts his pride above his mission, and this failure of character is how he gets hit with Gothel’s poison heart curse (she infects the bullet from the duel with Ahab). Oops. Meanwhile in the present, Fook and Carlyle interview “Eloise” for information on her coven. Ostensibly so they can keep her safe from the killer who’s out there killing witches, but also because she’s dangerous. She continues to wind Rogers around her little finger with vague statements about his true past, but the leads she gives them go nowhere. They do, however, upset an increasingly unstable Tilly, who is later found standing over the now-murdered body of the Blind Witch. Who cares? Rogers and Carlyle believe she’s innocent. Meanwhile, Adelaide finds herself surprised to be mourning her dead mother. She tries to jump on Henry’s dick for comfort, but he instead suggests she should reconnect with her remaining family: Jacinda and Lucy. She does, but then is also inspired to ask Henry for help to find Anastasia. And Lucy continues her pout attack against Jacinda and Henry’s relationship, but ends the episode by going to Regina (who admits she’s awake) to get the ball rolling on a plan to fix everything.

Going to Regina for magical help is always the right move. Lucy is sassy and smart.

So apart from the very minor inch-along of the Lucy/Regina plot, this episode is utter filler.

It’s bad enough that I don’t care about Fook’s backstory, but does it also have to be so embarrassingly overstuffed with more name recognition trash?


Why I hate this episode:

Captain Ahab? Really? And he doesn’t even look cool. He’s a boring white guy in non-descript pirate clothes. Wasteful.

Thankfully, the show doesn’t really draw much attention to Maui’s fish hook. But Jesus Christ, Disney. Have some shame.

I also found myself confused about where the Fook flashbacks take place. Rapunzel/Tremaine was in the tower, so that’s in Another Realm, right? But then Fook is out gallivanting around with Smee and Rumple, so they’re the Wish Realm incarnations, aren’t they? How is Fook realm-hopping? Unless this is all taking place in Another Realm. But isn’t the point of Another Realm that the fairytale characters are different? Because if so, why are Smee and Rumple the same likeness as the Enchanted Forest? Do the writers even know what’s going on?

Holy shit, just wake Fook up, already, in the present. We’re over halfway through. Let’s go, guys. Come on.

Fook’s lapse into pirate pride is not properly justified. He just does it because the plot says so. Fook had no reason to be injured by Ahab’s pathetic barbs. He’d already won their bet and gotten everything he’d needed. He’d apparently spent years with Alice in the tower and away from pirate life, but we’re supposed to believe that one minor slight from some douche he’s never met before, and who he just publicly trounced in their game of chance, would make him put his daughter at Priority Two? Get fucked, show.

Oh, and Adelaide’s wild snap from merciless cunt to “I miss my mummy” is unbearable. It better not be real.


But it’s not all bad:

I will choose to believe that she’s lulling Henry into some sleazy scheme. She already tried to bone him this episode, so it would make sense.

Regina gets the best small moments this episode. She enters the episode on her walk of shame after meeting up with Samdi/Facilier, and I’m here for it.

I’m also on board for her getting down to magical business with Lucy. The codename isn’t great, but any forward momentum to the plot would be welcome.

Eloise/Gothel continues to be hamtacular and smothered in terrible wigs, but, again, as long as we’ve got a character actually doing something, I’ll condone it.

After gloating over her defeat of Fook in the flashbacks, Gothel also nonchalantly steals Maui’s fish hook. I don’t know what she would need it for, or if it will actually come up again. But you do you, Miss Hoboe.

Oh, and it’s not like Henry jerks away from Adelaide in any great hurry when she plants one on him. With them continuing to work together to find Anastasia, I’d guess that Adelaide isn’t done trying to lasso that penis just yet.

OUaT Knightfall Henry Ivy kiss

Jacinda is too much work.

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About ijusthateeverything

Sincerity is death.

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