Once Upon a Time Season 7 Episode 11 – TV Review

OUaT Secret Garden Regina

We’re so close, baby.

If it wasn’t for the recent news that Season 7 would, at long last, be OUaT’s end, I would have dumped this show.

Just end, OUaT.

Dear God, just end.

TL;DR It’s a Zelena episode, as we get some backstory about her parental struggles with a teen Robin; Gothel sucks up a lot of screentime on a quest to get some magical amulet; Victoria dies because of it; Gold and Rogers do literally nothing; Henry is almost revealed as Lucy’s father;

But A from Pretty Little Liars intercepts the test results at the last minute.

So, it was a nice three month break from OUaT. And now it’s over. We’ll start with the flashbacks so we can get all this Zelena garbage out of the way. A teen Robin in Storybrooke is apparently abducted by Gothel when attempting to do magic, which is why Zelena journeyed to Another Realm so she could see Regina. Not to ask for help, but to bitch at her for encouraging Robin to do magic. Fook, instead, steps in to help Zelena, and they trace Gothel to some magic witch store. But twist: Robin came of her own volition because Gothel promised to teach her magic. But double twist: Gothel actually wants to sacrifice Robin to a Resurrection Amulet to revive a witch buddy of hers. Zelena attempts to nobly sacrifice herself, but then Robin just shoots Gothel with an arrow and everything turns out okay. Back in the present, Gothel tasks Zelena with finding this Resurrection Amulet with a promise to wake Lucy up, without necessitating Henry being in danger of dying. She and Regina do find it, but then Victoria steals it. Because Victoria wants to make amends or something. Who cares? But Gothel is a tricky dick in the past and the present, and once she has the Amulet, she entraps Adelaide in its death circle as the sacrifice to revive Lucy. Victoria makes an unearned decision to finally be a good parent and takes her place, so Victoria dies and Lucy awakens. Who cares? Meanwhile, Henry submitted a sample to a medical test to be a donor for Lucy, and the doctor finds out he is actually her father. But then a gloved figure kills the doctor and steals the results. And Rogers and Gold get their obligatory screentime by being too late to the scene of Victoria’s death to affect the plot in any way.

It’s probably better that way, boys. When the actual plot is this tedious.

I mean, what else is there to say? Half of the episode is about Zelena, and the other half is about some just-now mentioned super magical item that exists only to fabricate tension.

Do you care?

 

Why I hate this episode:

Aside from all the arbitrary bullshit and boredom, the episode’s greatest offence is to soften two of our villains. Victoria’s best asset was her near-demonic levels of venom towards Adelaide, her daughter. And this episode shows off some of that at the outset. But then she pussies out and ends up sacrificing herself to save her. She’s spent all this time being the absolute worst to Adelaide, but then one petty whinge from Adelaide, and Victoria decided its time to sacrifice her life for her? Get out.

Adelaide also suffers from this. She was at her best when she was swilling booze and gloating about how she’s going to destroy her mother (and murdering princes, too. That was my jam). But now she’s all “wah wah why doesn’t she love me?” Shut up, bitch, and go back to being a bitch. Bitch.

Anastasia rounds out the family trio of disappointment, as she doesn’t really do anything this episode.

Disney’s self-indulgence rears its ugly head again, with the inclusion of a character from the Haunted Mansion as Gothel’s old witch friend. Jesus, Disney. Just get Mickey Mouse in here and be done with it.

Zelena’s teen daughter drama in the flashbacks is embarrassingly rote. I was waiting for Robin to stamp her feet, put on a Valley Girl accent, and say “Oh my God mum, stop ruining my life. Augh!” It was that bland.

What kind of dumbass chooses to become an archer over having actual magic powers? Robin is mad.

Rogers’ continued obsession with the purity and goodness of “Eloise” is exhausting. Everyone else knows she’s evil. Just get to it, already.

Oh, and did Gothel ever say why she wanted Lucy to be awoken?

 

But it’s not all bad:

Maybe we should count that as a blessing, because Gothel is clearly the only character who wants to see the plot move forward.

I don’t condone a Zelena episode, but I kind of admire that the only reason she popped in to see Regina when she came to Another Realm was simply to whinge at her. Wicked? No, honey. She’s the Petty Witch.

Victoria’s dead, so at least Gabrielle Anwar can finally be free.

Oh, and I’m kind of surprised Disney went with the kind of imagery it did for the Resurrection Amulet. Bait that Parents Television Council, ABC.

OUaT Secret Garden Resurrection Amulet pentagram

Well, it’s not unprecedented.

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About ijusthateeverything

Sincerity is death.

5 responses to “Once Upon a Time Season 7 Episode 11 – TV Review”

  1. SlayerNina Fansub (@slayernina) says :

    Welcome back, IJustHateEverything! (Sorry, I don’t know your real name/nickname. Ijhe?)

    LOL at Adelaine’s reference. I don’t know if you love the actress or the character (I’m on board with both, btw). Who killed the nurse? *Insert menacing music here*

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