Once Upon a Time Season 7 Episode 2 – TV Review

OUaT A Pirate's Life Emma Henry

It’s crushing her!

Yes, Jennifer Morrison thought she was finally free of OUaT.

But then they lured her back and tried to drown her in a distractingly enormous wig.

She and Tina from Arrow need to start an awareness campaign.

TL;DR Emma comes back for a cameo, as the circumstances of Henry, Regina, and Hook’s memory loss become clearer; OUaT continues to rely on complicated, confusing past lore, instead of being the new slate reboot it needed to be; arbitrary drama occurs between Victoria and Jacinda.

Twelve year olds doing ballet is serious business.

So let’s struggle through this present day plot, because honestly, who cares? We get a bit of a focus on Hook, now Officer Rogers, as he is dragged around by Robert Carlyle on his first day as a dirty detective. They’re tasked by Victoria with finding dirt on Henry to get him out of Jacinda’s life, because he’s meddlesome or something (she’s about as subtle as a Scooby-Doo villain, so it fits). It all culminates in Carlyle forcing Rogers to put a bracelet of Victoria’s in Henry’s pocket and then to publicly accuse him of theft, but Rogers wusses out. But twist: Carlyle was actually testing him, and he passed. Who cares? Rogers also thinks he recognises Emma somehow from Henry’s book. Meanwhile, Henry tries to be nice to Jacinda as penance for being involved in Lucy getting taken away (and to get his dick wet, natch), and she starts to warm up to him. And the meat of the episode actually belongs to the flashbacks, as Henry uses magic to summon Regina, Hook, and Emma to this other fairy tale realm after Lady Tremaine, leaning harder into her Queenie imitation, captures him. Regina and Hook show up just in time to prevent Adelaide Kane from killing Henry, but Emma isn’t there because of some ooey gooey mysterious secret. Which turns out to just be that she’s pregnant, and she comes by later, anyway. But in a real fucking weird, unnecessary twist, the Captain Hook from the wish realm (remember that? Jesus) attacks Hook and tries to take his place (with some help from Tremaine and her stolen Fairy Godmother wand) in an effort to snag a True Love’s Kiss from Emma on some quest to find his abducted daughter. Huh? He is later redeemed, and he and Regina decide to stay with Henry, while Emma and Real Hook return to the real world.

Also, Fake Hook’s daughter is probably Alice. Because his memento of her is a chess piece, and OUaT can’t resist making every character related to each other.

So, like, what the fuck, Once Upon a Time? Had I misinterpreted the small sampling of pre-premiere press that I read? I thought Season 7 was supposed to be something of a fresh take on the show, because the ratings were dropping amid the endless clusterfuck of retcons and plot contrivances.

But here we are, only two episodes in, and I think OUaT is making the most confusing choices ever.

The fucking wish realm? What the fuck?


Why I hate this episode:

Out of all the ways to uncomplicate your show, bringing back a random doppelganger from a realm that only existed because of a plot contrivance in the first place, to then replace the character whose story you want to stop fucking with, but still acting, emoting, and doing all the same things as that character, is not the right approach. I could find OUaT’s audacity admirable if it wasn’t so infuriating. What the actual fuck?

Just give us a new character. Yikes. Stop making the most convoluted choice, OUaT. It’s been established that this was your problem that needed to be fixed. Stop doubling down.

The “new” things in the show aren’t faring much better, though. What even was going on with the whole ballet recital thing? Jacinda, Roommate, and Henry all had to get the-day-of catering jobs to go watch Lucy prance for twelve seconds? And how on earth did Victoria convince the actual audience members to shell out $550 a pop for a grade school ballet recital? What the fuck?

Emma’s wig really was that bad. I felt bad for poor Jennifer.

The Tremaine/Queenie/Victoria/Regina comparisons continue in full force, and with every passing second our new contender fails to come anywhere near her predecessor. Get out, Gabrielle Anwar. Save yourself.

Oh, and the secret test of character bullshit explanation for Carlyle’s actions isn’t cute, doesn’t make sense for the character (unless, this, too, is another wish realm/alternate reality incarnation of Rumple/Gold), and isn’t a surprise. Who the fuck cares?


But it’s not all bad:

Regina and Gold were always more fun when they weren’t quite getting along, so maybe there’s still some joy to be had in Carlyle and Victoria’s antagonism.

Henry and Jacinda, despite the dullery of the plot around them, keep up their chemistry.

The perk of having Fake Hook as a main character instead of Real Hook is that Emma won’t weigh him down. It’s time for a new love interest.

I’m glad it was Regina who chose to stay with Henry, and not Emma. And I’m keen to see how Regina and Tremaine’s inevitable showdown goes, considering Regina is a hell of a magic user, and Tremaine doesn’t much care for magic.

Jacinda’s roommate (Tiana in disguise, remember) isn’t given anything to do, but she does stand out.

Oh, and in addition to Emma’s jettisoning, it’s nice to have a group shot that doesn’t include Snow and David. #nocameosplease

OUaT A Pirate's Life Regina Henry Fake Hook

A vast improvement.

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

About ijusthateeverything

Sincerity is death.

6 responses to “Once Upon a Time Season 7 Episode 2 – TV Review”

  1. SlayerNina Fansub (@slayernina) says :

    If we have to have some au characters, please, bring Lacey here. A part-time hard-drinking prostitute to mess up with Weasel.

    Also, Fake Hook? What the hell? Enough with this fanboyism over Hook/Colin Donaghue! Though the actor seems super nice, he had spend so much time sucking the writers cock that it’s the only explanation. At least leave the JackSparrow fat version of him!

  2. Amadan says :

    oh… so that is fake hook… see i think i was distracted a little and though tit was the real hook looking for a random girl probably her daughter with emma?
    ep 2 and i am already lost in the bullshit!

Leave a Comment

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: