Pretty Little Liars Season 7 Episode 15 – TV Review

PLL In the Eye Abides the Heart AD Aria face

Just… why?

For fuck’s sake, only five more episodes to go.

Dear God, just let it end.

TL;DR AD keeps hitting up Aria like a clingy girlfriend; Alison bewilderingly chooses to keep her baby, and Emily will help her raise it; Hanna secretly enlists Mona’s help to play the board game; Spencer loses her chance to have a relationship with Mary; Lucas is a suspect, but, like, who cares?

Really, who?

Let’s just get though this Liar-by-Liar as fast as we can:

It’s Aria’s turn to hold the Plot Ball, as AD, using a digital image of Aria’s face (God, why?), nags at her for all the hot goss. Isn’t AD supposed to be omniscient? Whatever. Aria acquiesces, and is drawn deeper into AD’s web. Oh, and Ezra abandons Aria to return to Aussie Chick, but then doesn’t.

Hanna, now that Lucas is a suspect, rummages through his apartment and finds a comic book he and Charles made together. The point of this discovery is lost when Aria steals it on AD’s orders, so meh. But Hanna’s desperation to stay ahead of the board game increases, and she goads Moana into helping her behind the other girls’ backs.

Emily announces to Alison her intent to help raise her weird rape baby thing. This sends Paige, finally, running out of Rosewood (quite the turnaround), and it looks like Alison and Emily might end up together? Jesus.

Alison spends her episode wringing her hands about the pregnancy and offers nothing else.

And Spencer receives a clandestine invitation from Mary to meet up. Detective Marco tails her, though, and Mary assumes Spencer ratted her out, and says goodbye forever.

Are we supposed to be sad about this? I can’t tell, anymore.

I don’t know if I can make it through five more episodes.

I know we’re halfway through the final ten. So that’s something.

But on the other hand, we’re only fucking halfway.

Nobody, not even someone as deplorable as me, deserves this torture.

 

Why I hate this episode:

Abort that baby, Alison. Jesus Christ, what’s wrong with you? Your identity-faking mad doctor husband surgery-raped your best friend’s stolen eggs into you, and God knows who the sperm donor is (could PLL go full gross-out and make it Cece? I don’t think that’s out of the realm of possibility). It’s cool, girl. Nobody’s going to be mad at you. Get rid of it.

Emily might be mad at her, though. In a move as baffling as Alison’s decision to keep the baby, Emily decides to abandon her chance at true love with Paige to instead devote herself to card-carrying twat-tease Alison. What the fuck? What the actual fuck? The only thing more insulting is that Alison and Emily could end up together. Which is toweringly pathetic, even by PLL standards.

All power to Paige on getting out of that fuckstorm, but it’s weird that only last episode Paige was giving up dream jobs to mire herself in Rosewood forever for the sake of Emily’s flaps, but this episode she’s made up her mind to hit the road within seconds of Emily telling her of her decision. Be consistent, Paige. Gosh.

AD’s new method of communicating, via a digital face of Aria’s, is simply laughable. I know PLL is the famous home of the secret spaceship hologram room, but this is a new low. At this point, I’m out of hyperboles describe just how bad PLL is.

The fact that AD has to source information from Aria, the dumbest of the Liars (uhh, maybe Emily), also doesn’t speak well to their supposed position as all-powerful all-seer of all. Weak.

Ezra gets double dickhead points this episode. First, he bows to Aussie Chick’s parents’ request to return to New York to talk to her doctors. What the fuck even? And then he doesn’t commit to it, because he comes crawling back to Aria at the end, anyway. So you’ve shown Aria that not only are you a cunt, but you’re a spineless cunt. Total marriage material, ladies.

Who cares that Spencer blew her chance to meet Mary? Mary is a homicidal maniac, you idiot.

Oh, and Wren gets dredged up for what I assume to be his obligatory final season cameo, but all he does is awkwardly get introduced to Ezra by Spencer at the airport. Which I suspect means that, like Sydney, he’s going to hang on much longer than necessary. PLL wasted their chance with you so many years ago, dude. Move on.

 

But it’s not all bad:

Maybe I. Marlene King’s insanity has finally gone full circle, and Wren will turn out to have been A all along? Again, it’s in the realm of possibility.

But you know who isn’t insane? Paige. That girl has gotten out. After all this time, she’s free. Please, let it stay that way. If Emily is going to go crawling back to Alison, she’s not the kind of person worth fighting for. Run, Paige. Run and never return.

In a rare turn, Aria also possesses some semblance of sanity this episode. She is rightly conflicted about helping AD (via those ridiculous video chats). And she rightly stands up to Ezra’s stupid decision to return to Aussie Chick.

In fact, let’s give Aria the episode’s best line, because I couldn’t have said it better myself: “Ezra, do you honestly believe whatever’s happening there her parents can’t handle it?” And we know Ezra’s not that smart. Because he’s still planning to marry you, isn’t he? What happened to that hot brother of his?

Lucas is yet to form as a true suspect, but the comic book Hanna finds is deliciously ambiguous. It certainly seems to confirm that he knew Charles, because the superhero of the comic can turn the weakling male protagonist into a domineering hot blonde chick.

Hanna also gets the one genuinely effective moment of the episode. She has let Mona in on the board game secret, but despite Mona admiring the craftsmanship of the thing, she refuses to get involved. Because she could too easily fall victim to her addiction of fucking with people’s lives. So Hanna immediately preys upon that addiction, and pretty much shoves the rubber tubing and spoon into Mona’s hands. That’s vicious. Unusually vicious for PLL.

When Aria delivers the stolen comic book for AD, she is rewarded with a black hoodie. Cute.

Oh, and Wren may be pointless, but he’s still got that Season 1, before-it-all-turned-to-shit quality about him.

PLL In the Eye Abides the Heart Wren

Oh, so you’ll show up for this, but not OUaT’s last hurrah?

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About ijusthateeverything

Sincerity is death.

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