Pretty Little Liars Season 7 Episode 14 – TV Review
And the fact that Sydney is still here, and now part of some kind of revamped A Team (the AD Team, I suppose?), isn’t even the stupidest thing about this episode.
Alison being impregnated with Emily’s egg isn’t even the stupidest thing about this episode.
I don’t know if I can go six more rounds with PLL, you guys.
TL;DR The stupidest thing about this episode is that Ted gets his final season cameo, and it turns out he’s Cece’s dad; let’s not forget that Alison realises her baby is actually Emily’s baby; Sydney is in league with AD after all and is trying to recruit Aria; Aria talks to Ezra; Spencer whinges at a returning Peter; Hanna gets fucked by the board game again.
And Spencer just plain old fucks hot detective Marco. Toby’s grief be damned.
Liar-by-Liar, I’m still keeping up as best I can:
I suppose we’ll put Alison in the lead this episode, as it’s her turn to play the board game. Although she has resolved to abort her baby, the game helps her remember that, during her time locked up by Doctor Dude, she was actually impregnated with Emily’s stolen egg (remember that fuckin’ shit?). So now she doesn’t know what to do. She does get another puzzle piece, though.
Aria finally gets to talk to Ezra, as Aussie Chick is now aware of the truth about Aria and Ezra’s engagement. They appear to be back on track, but who knows? While helping Alison with her turn for the game, Aria is drawn away by AD, who turns out to be Sydney (and after I praised her for being normal last episode. You traitor), but then actually she’s only AD’s ally, and to sweeten an offer to have Aria join them, Aria is allowed to skip her turn for the board game.
Which falls instead to Hanna, who spends her episode trying to find Mary with Spencer. Instead, they find Ted, who eventually reveals he dated Mary in college. And he’s been harbouring her the past couple of nights. And they had a baby together, which is Cece. And that Cece was friends with Lucas when they were kids. Are you fucking kidding me?
Emily, in addition to the Alison egg drama, reaffirms her relationship with Paige, who blows off a big university job to stay in podunk Rosewood with Emily. God, why?
And Spencer whinges in general at Peter, but Peter does reveal that Mary is the one who killed Jessica. So that’s finally cleared up. And Spencer is happily having sex with Marco, having evidently not capitalised on what I thought was a slam dunk grief bang with Toby.
I’ll tolerate Marco purely for his abs. For now.
I want to say that I don’t get mad at PLL, anymore. And sometimes I will watch an episode that is just as absurd and convoluted and backwards as this one and feel nothing.
But goddamn, it still riles me up, if only a little bit.
In a world where better, braver shows are cancelled every day, how can something as inept as PLL live onto this, it’s seventh season?
The amount of shows a network is able to output is finite, and PLL is taking that space from something that could be better.
Not that Freeform is overflowing with better shows, but I’d take a larger episode order for Shadowhunters if it meant PLL could have died that much sooner.
Fuck you, PLL.
Why I hate this episode:
I suspect PLL thinks it’s going oh so dark and edgy with the Alison/Emily/egg situation. But it’s just gross. And stupid. I’d like to say that surely PLL couldn’t be ridiculous enough to have Alison keep it and this be some happy ending for her, but that’s probably what’s going to happen. If a crazed identity fraudster impregnates you, then it’s okay to abort. But if he instead drugs you, holds you against your will in a mental hospital, and forcefully implants you with the stolen egg from one of your friends, then that one’s a keeper, kiddies. I was honestly surprised when PLL appeared like it was going to so matter-of-factly let Alison abort the baby. I should have known better.
And if this complicates Emily and Paige’s reunion, then fuck off, show. You’re ending. We know you’re not strong enough to deny an OTP happy ending. Stop wasting our time and let them be together.
Sydney’s reveal as AD’s handmaiden was a colossal groaner. Who the fuck cares? As you’ll see with the best line of the episode below, Sydney doesn’t even know the Liars, and they don’t know her. Fuck the fuck off, for fuck’s sake.
Aria’s reunion with Ezra is tense merely because the characters on this show don’t know how to speak human words to each other. The fact that it took months (weeks?) for Ezra and Aria to simply talk about Aussie Chick is absurd. What the actual fuck? I can see Ezra perhaps hiding his engagement from Aussie Chick due to, you know, the massive trauma of being jungle kidnapped. But a quick phone call to Aria to let her know could have saved us three episodes’ worth of hand-wringing. Jesus.
AD taunts Aria via video chat by referring to the files Jessica secretly kept on everyone. Why bring that shit up again? Oh my fucking God. Same goes for the Emily’s eggs subplot from last season. This is a television show, not an S Club 7 hit single. You don’t have to bring it all back.
Ted getting a final season cameo is preposterous enough (who gives a shit about Ted?), but then his “connect the dots to all the other dots” moment is truly special in the realm of PLL writing shittiness. Not only is he harbouring Mary; not only did he date Mary in college; and not only is he Cece’s father (again, does that matter?); but he also drops the “bomb” that Lucas knew Cece when she was a little boy. It’s embarrassing to watch. Honestly.
Oh, and where the fucking fuck is Ashley? The “previously on” teases us with footage of her to remind us who Ted is, so I got a little bit hard ancticipating her return. But nope. It was just fucking Ted.
But it’s not all bad:
At least we got Peter back. That’s cool, right?
Despite how clumsily it’s doled out, Peter actually reveals the answer to a mystery that has been plaguing PLL for yonks: who killed Jessica? It turns out Mary did. Thanks for that, Peter.
Sydney’s continued presence is crap, but I’d like to believe that maybe her offer to Aria hasn’t fallen on deaf ears. The chances of PLL, at such a late stage, finally being brave enough to turn one of its main characters into a proper villain are low. But what is life without hope?
I enjoyed Hanna’s reaction to the board game’s decision to make her play again, instead of moving onto Aria. Stay angry, Hanna. As angry as I am about Ashley’s absence.
Provided the pregnancy doesn’t blow them up, I’m glad Emily and Paige have finally sorted their shit out.
Aria gets the best line of the episode after Sydney unmasks herself: “I barely know you, Sydney. Why are you doing this?” Whoomp, there it is. It is, predictably, left unanswered.
The finger that Marco received last episode was Doctor Dude’s, and was punishment from AD for Hanna skipping her turn on the board game. Cute.
Oh, and I wasn’t kidding about Marco’s physique. Fuck him while you can, Spencer. Before the OTP hammer is swung.