Pretty Little Liars Season 7 Episode 13 – TV Review
Don’t let Toby’s tears get you too excited.
Pretty Little Liars is still utterly wasting its dwindling time left.
Only seven to go. Let’s keep that countdown coming.
TL;DR It’s Hanna’s turn to play the stupid board game, but then she, like, kind of doesn’t; nothing of value occurs; Sydney returns for another cameo, but contributes nothing; Spencer’s romantic loyalties are divided; Alison isn’t even in this episode.
Which is another step up on her previous episode effort of barely contributing. The next level is for nobody to even mention her. Come on, PLL. We can do it.
Again, nothing much happens, so the Liar-by-Liar is thin on the ground, baby:
Hanna gets the most play this episode, as she is coaxed into taking her turn with the board game. It entails her having to meet with her fashion business investors following the discovery her dress was possibly stolen IP from her old boss. But Caleb, having been informed about the board game (finally), is injured while tampering with it, and she bitches out. AD’s punishment for a skipped turn is to withhold a piece of the centre puzzle. I think it’ll be okay.
Spencer is next, as she spends her episode cosying up to Marco. But then Yvonne suddenly dies after first coming out of her coma and then arbitrarily getting hospital-bed-married to Toby. So it looks like Toby’s on the market again, bitch. Get that OTP dick.
Emily’s only action this episode is to hang out with Aria and stalk Sydney, because she could lead them to Jenna. But it turns out Sydney doesn’t like Jenna, anymore, and she hasn’t heard from her. But she does deliver payment for an eye surgery for Jenna, facilitated by AD (Sydney is a personal banker for her job, so it’s not that salacious).
And Aria, aside from palling around with Emily, continues to stew over Ezra’s absence, evidently having not bothered to actually visit him while she was in New York. Holden has also vanished, but Aussie Chick randomly shows up at Aria’s house later.
Oh, and AD mails Marco and the police a decomposed, severed finger.
Why I hate this episode:
Where the fuck is Ashley?
I don’t know why PLL decided to drag Sydney back out for another final lap cameo when she already had one. She’s taking up valuable Ashley time.
The board game gets even more ridiculous, as it now shows off its ability to spray toxic gas when Caleb tries to pry up one of the little model houses. What the fuck, PLL? How is a creepy board game the major driving force behind your plot? What happened to this show?
I didn’t give a shit about Yvonne’s death. Was I supposed to? Was anyone supposed to?
In a world where Hanna exists, it truly is impressive that Aria remains the most obtuse Liar. Just fucking talk to Ezra. Jesus Christ, woman. Fuck. You were in New York. Just talk to him.
Aussie Chick comes out at Aria from the shadows after evidently having trespassed into her house. Because reality doesn’t exist in the PLL-universe, and nobody understands what human behaviour is. What the fuck?
Part of Hanna’s game is that AD delivers a big mannequin/doll of her (the Previously On indicates this has been seen before, but I don’t remember it. And I don’t care to look it up). Hanna has to cut it open to find a clue in its appendix, and it squirts fake blood out at her and everything. It was no secret spaceship hologram room, but it still rated pretty high on the Ridiculous Trash That Should Have Been Cut If The People Making This Show Were Sane Or Perhaps Talented I Don’t Know Metre.
Why did it take them this long to tell Caleb about the board game?
Oh, and there’s some new subplot about how Jenna’s gun isn’t the one that shot Spencer, which means that there apparently must have been another shooter at the school for the blind that night. What the fuck?
But it’s not all bad:
That would mean that PLL doesn’t have to justify how a blind woman shot Spencer, so for that reason, I can accept it.
I actually have to apologise to PLL. Last week, I whinged pretty hard about how Hanna’s fear of the dress was seemingly about her lack of self-confidence, when it would have been more compelling if she had instead been worried because it could be construed that she ripped off her old boss. And this episode, it turns out that is what Hanna’s concern actually was, because, after the senator’s daughter wears the dress to the event, rumours (spurred by AD, probably) surface that Hanna ripped off her old boss. I’m sorry, show. And thanks for putting in the effort.
Sydney didn’t need to come back, but she behaves the closest to a human being out of the cast. I appreciate that not everyone is a moustache-twirling servant of some vast conspiracy.
Lucas helps bolster Hanna’s spirits for the meeting with his undying belief in her. And when she has to leave because of Caleb’s hospitalisation, he offers to do the meeting for her. I predict that it won’t go well, but Lucas is a good kid.
Sabrina gets written out of the series in a hilariously tossed-in piece of dialogue from Aria. She’s whingeing to Ezra’s voicemail about having to run the cafe in his absence, and mentions Sabrina has quit. Good. Now the only barrier to Emily getting back into Paige’s pants is Alison, and that bitch ain’t here.
Speaking of Alison not being in this episode, Alison isn’t in this episode. It’s so liberating.
Caleb and Spencer, finding themselves alone together, evade having an awkward ex rapport and are friendly. Cool.
Oh, and in another win for Sydney, when Emily pretends to run into her, she immediately calls her on her bullshit and just demands the truth. You know, like an actual human. Which I assume means, like Holden, we will never see her again.