Once Upon a Time Season 6 Episode 13 – TV Review

OUaT Ill-boding Patterns Queenie

There are not many who can pretend to Katherine’s throne. Queenie is one of them.

Oh, thank God. Suicide watch aborted. Queenie is back.

Also something about Rumple’s past? Because there is apparently still more of that to explore?

TL;DR OUaT continues to tread some very shallow water as we get a superfluous flashback plot involving Rumple, Beowulf, and convenient memory potion; Gold sacrifices himself to help Gideon; Hook proposes to Emma without revealing his secret; Nouveau Robin pairs with Zelena in an unsuccessful Storybrooke escape attempt; Queenie comes slithering back in to be his perfect partner.

Evil Robin and Evil Regina, together at last.

So the major plot of the episode is a dull trudge through yet more Rumple flashbacks. At some point shortly after becoming the Dark One, Rumple uses his magic to end a war with the ogres. But young Baelfire, ever eager to be a wet blanket, has Rumple pledge not to use his magic anymore, lest he become consumed by it. Awkwardly, the villagers call upon Rumple to rescue some people kidnapped by Grendel. Because Beowulf has not returned from saving them. But psych, Beowulf actually kidnapped the people in a revenge scheme to frame Rumple for the murders and regain his position as hero, which Rumple had usurped during the ogre war. Baelfire, also ever eager to be a fucking hypocrite, uses the Dark One dagger to compel Rumple to kill Beowulf. But Rumple just uses some memory potion on him later and takes the blame for all the nastiness. Nothing of value therefore occurs. This does, however, mirror Gold’s present day subplot with Gideon, whom he has captured and is trying to harass into being a good boy. It does not work, so Gold decides he will save Gideon’s soul by doing all of Gideon’s evil deeds for him, and he starts by hurting Mother Superior, draining her magic to restore the gem-handled sword (which was also Beowulf’s in the flashbacks. Who cares?). Belle is surprisingly okay with this. Meanwhile, Hook day drinks before gaining the courage to reveal to Emma that he killed her grandpa. But she surprises him by having found the ring, and he is pressured into proposing. Yikes. Meanwhile, Robin, fed up with Regina’s relentless supervision, schemes with Zelena to use the magic he stole last episode to break out of Storybrooke’s protection spell. It fails and Regina is disappointed in him. But Regina’s better half shows up at the end, breaking out of the cobra spell, and forms a new partnership with him.

With sexy results?

Honestly, is there anyone who cares about the Rumple flashbacks? They don’t achieve anything.

And Gideon is such a disaster of a character that the attempt at a meaningful echo between him and Baelfire is pathetic. Gideon is a whiny little brat with a stupid costume.

At least Baelfire had the decency to grow up and die.

 

Why I hate this episode:

Gold’s solution to the Gideon problem is the most pathetic thing of all. Gold seems to be playing the Literal Genie card, assuming that because it isn’t by Gideon’s hand that evil is done that Gideon’s soul will remain untainted. Cunt, no. You’re only doing these things because Gideon has explicitly stated it’s what he wants. This is bullshit.

And Belle’s gratitude for Gold’s sacrifice is preposterous. “I have broken up with you three hundred twenty-two times because you do evil things for reasons. But now that those reasons are related to our son’s desire to murder our friend, it’s totally cool. Also sploosh, probably.” Fuck off.

Gideon’s outfit is seriously shit. I wasn’t kidding about that.

More Zelena is worse Zelena.

I won’t pretend that I can actually keep up with OUaT’s magical rules these days, but I was surprised to learn that Storybrooke had an inescapable protection spell around it. When did that happen?

I don’t care about Hook’s dilemma. All he had to do was fucking talk to Emma, and he didn’t. He got soap opera’d into having to propose. When Riverdale, a sexy teen soap, no less, is out here having characters talk to each other every goddamn week, it’s extra embarrassing that OUaT thinks it can still get away with this kind of trash.

Oh, and Beowulf? More like Be-no-wulf.

 

But it’s not all bad:

Beowulf is killed unceremoniously by a compelled Rumple. Baelfire makes him do it during a tantrum. I lol’d.

And I am kind of interested in knowing how the decidedly un-heroic Beowfulf ended up with a sword forged by Mama Magnanimous herself, the Blue Fairy.

Gideon mentions that his impetus to kill the Black Fairy is because he needs to save his people from her. What people? I want to know.

Emma is barely in this episode. And Henry, David, and Snow do not feature at all. Now, this I like.

Nouveau Robin is a slippery little sucker when he’s showing his true colours. I think he could be a good match for Queenie.

Oh, and Queenie is the only saving grace of the episode. My heart fluttered when she poofed back into human form at the end of the episode. I had expected we’d seen the last of her for the season, so this was a gorgeous surprise.

OUaT Ill-boding Patterns Queenie

“Alyssa Edwards-grade or bigger.”

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About ijusthateeverything

Sincerity is death.

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