Once Upon a Time Season 6 Episode 12 – TV Review
Uncork your litre bottles of Sauv Blanc now, baby. It’s a Hook and David episode.
Jesus fucking Christ.
TL;DR David wants to continue using magic to find out what happened to his dad, despite what happened last time; he calls upon Hook to help because Hook is a filthy pirate; Hook gets a sad-on because he’s trying to be a better man; it turns out Hook actually killed David’s dad, though; Regina realises she does not have the hots for Nouveau Robin.
Just because he’s not your epic love doesn’t mean you can’t hop on that dick, girl.
So the major plot this week, excruciatingly, involves David suddenly wanting to know how his dad died way back when. Because he needs a dastardly no-good-nick to help steal some of Emma’s potions (Emma has potions?), he calls upon Hook, who reluctantly accepts. Through magic and flashbacks, David learns that Daddy-o actually wasn’t just a drunken oaf, and died on a quest to save David’s brother, James, who had run away from King Alan Dale (Rumple made a deal with Daddy-o to bargain baby James, to give to the king, for medicine to save baby David, the guilt of which drove Daddy-o to alcoholism). David almost kills Alan Dale in Storybrooke in revenge, but Hook implores him to be a better man. Because Hook has been spending his episode trying to prove he, himself, has become a better man, and he wants David’s blessing to propose to Emma. Because apparently nobody told OUaT that this was airing around International Women’s Day. And that it’s 2017 and that’s fucking disgusting. But whatever. David gives Hook his blessing, little knowing that it was actually Hook, back in his wild days, who murdered Daddy-o. Meanwhile, Regina plays Kate & Leopold with Nouveau Robin, who it turns out has some homicidal issues (but mostly towards Nottingham, so it’s understandable). And who it turns out she does not feel feelings for. Oops. Oh, and Zelena is worried that Nouveau Robin is going to try to take custody of Baby Rapesly, despite it not being his child. Huh?
The real “huh” is why Zelena is still in this goddamn show.
I know we’re in the mid-season slog, but does anybody, anywhere, care at all about what happened to David’s dad?
And I thought Belle episodes were tedious.
Why I hate this episode:
Why is this suddenly important? Truly, please tell me.
David’s insistence that he use magic to discover the truth is laughably stupid. Just two episodes ago, David tried to use magic to do something good, and it brought Gideon to town. Give it a rest, dude.
Also, who is taking care of David and Snow’s baby when Snow is asleep most of the time, and David is out robbing his daughter’s house? Curious.
Hook’s subplot about wanting David’s approval before he’ll propose marriage to Emma made me sick. It’s archaic and misogynistic, insidiously couched in Hook’s supposed quest for absolution. Nah, mate. It’s just yucky. David doesn’t get to decide his adult daughter’s life. A daughter he’s only been a father to for the past couple of years, at that. Maybe just propose to Emma and see if she wants to go for it? Just an idea.
The flashbacks include a sequence where Daddy-o goes to Pleasure Island, and we see young Pinocchio in his puppet form. It’s nightmarish.
August gets more play this episode, as he reveals to David and Hook that Daddy-o was caught by King Alan Dale trying to smuggle James home, and was sentenced to be executed. All this August screentime, yet he isn’t being shipteased with Emma. Why bother bring him back, then?
Zelena isn’t the only one who considers Nouveau Robin to have some kind of claim to Rapesly. Snow and Regina discuss how Regina simply has to inform him that he has a son, kind of. Umm, no, he doesn’t. A parallel world incarnation of Robin had a son. Not this guy. I mean, let him know about it and all that. But maybe also let him know that Zelena raped the baby out of Robin, so it’s probably best to be grateful you’re not actually involved in this whole mess.
The ruffians who King Alan Dale tasks with murdering Daddy-o waste time (the time they need to waste for Hook to show up) concocting this preposterous scheme to douse Daddy-o in booze and strap him to a runaway cart so it all looks like an accident. I’m sorry, is there a CSI: Enchanted Forest? Just shank him and dump him in the woods. It’s not that hard.
Daddy-o goes to flashback Rumple for help finding the missing James, and Rumple, naturally, makes a deal to get him to Pleasure Island in exchange for a hair from Daddy-o’s head. Daddy-o accepts, despite knowing the danger of making a deal with Rumple. But when he leaves, Rumple gets this bizarre quiet scene where he tosses away the hair, conceding that it was only a token deal, and he believes in Daddy-o’s cause of reuniting a father with his son (blah blah Baelfire blah). What the hell? OUaT is no queen of consistency, but that’s a pretty big “fuck you” to Rumple’s established character.
Oh, and our heroes start off the episode by toasting to Emma’s victory over Gideon, and apparently her visions of death, last episode. You know Gideon got away, right? And he’s a powerful magician. So he can poof in and attack again at any time.
But it’s not all bad:
Could he, though? Just poof in and murder everyone and spare us a possible Season 7? Please?
But Gideon is not in this episode, and given his petulant bullshit from last week, I’m glad for it. Belle and Gold also do not appear. Mercifully.
Emma, too, only gets a barely-there scene when Hook has to distract her while David’s robbing her. And Henry is mentioned, but not seen. Which is Henry’s best form.
Regina may end up rejecting Nouveau Robin, but at least she does get a solid pash in on him.
And we later see that he sneaks down to her vault and steals some magical doomsday device or something. I’m starting to suspect he could be some other villain in disguise. Or just really, really clinging to his grudge against Nottingham.
David is very pretty.
David’s relentless, unknowing jabs at Hook’s past as a pirate coinciding with Hook’s mission to earn David’s approval are hilarious.
Oh, and the reveal that Hook murdered Daddy-o, because he was stealing the money King Alan Dale had given his own ruffians to murder him and couldn’t afford to have any witnesses, is a genuine surprise.