Once Upon a Time Season 6 Episode 10 – TV Review
Remember how I was whingeing about how all the characters on this show just have to be fucking related to each other?
Well, we can add Mystery Hood Vision Person to that list.
TL;DR That person is Gideon, Belle and Gold’s son who it turns out got kidnapped and SORAS’d into evil adulthood by the Black Fairy; some genie wish shenanigans result in Emma and Regina being trapped in some fake fantasy version of the Enchanted Forest; David fucks up everything he touches; Queenie gets turned into a snake.
No! Don’t take away the fabulosity.
So the plot this week sees Queenie, short on allies and now facing a gem-handled sword that we find out can hurt her independently of Regina, remembering she’s the smartest thing in town and pinching the genie’s lamp to force Aladdin into giving her some wishes. And she’s smart enough to anticipate the bullshit nature of wishes, so instead of using them for herself, she uses one to wish that Emma was never the Saviour. This whisks Emma away to a fantasy realm where she grew up as the princess child of Snow and Charming, and everything’s cute and boring. Yuck. Regina commandeers the lamp and uses another wish to join Emma in hope of rescuing her, but finds it tough going to get Emma to remember she’s a (semi) badass bounty hunter, and not a snivelling princess. After some Snow/Charming murdering, Emma eventually comes back to her senses, but before she and Regina can uses a magic bean bargained from this reality’s version of Rumple to return to Storybrooke, Robin Hood shows up and Regina is dickmatised long enough for the portal to close. D’oh. Meanwhile in Storybrooke, David takes particular offence to Queenie’s divine victory over Emma, and uses the lamp to wish for Queenie to get exactly what she deserves. But, oddly, nothing seems to happen. Meanwhile, Gold and Belle continue to slapfight over the baby situation, but they discover that Mother Superior was baby-robbed by none other than the Black Fairy. And to close out the mid-season, it turns out David’s wish wasn’t so empty after all, because it summons the hooded figure to town, who turns Queenie into a cobra. Oh, and that hooded figure is an adult, evil Gideon, corrupted by the Black Fairy.
And Jasmine wishes herself and Aladdin to Agrabah. But nobody cares about that, anymore.
You know, I was willing to support this episode. Queenie’s winning streak was so delicious and so scenery-chewingly perfect that I was prepared to accept her cobra transmogrification. She had a good innings. And who’s to say that she won’t be transformed back anytime soon?
And I was even ready to endure the rapid-fire wish plot weasels.
But then Regina swooned over Robin, and Emma did nothing to get herself and Regina through the portal and just watched it close in front of her.
Even after all these seasons of Once Upon a Time’s terrible, convenient plotting, I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. Is OUaT truly that lazy?
Why I hate this episode:
For fuck’s sake, Emma. Just tackle Regina into the portal and go. You are a pathetic, unfit hero. God. Damn.
Also, OUaT, don’t pretend like traversing realms is a big deal, anymore. This isn’t Season 1.
The biggest WTF of the episode, though, is Mother Superior’s apparent plan to keep Gideon hidden away from Gold… by keeping him at the fairy/nun convent. Which is exactly where you would expect Mother Superior to be, and exactly where Gold and Belle go looking for her. Was that seriously the plan? What the actual fuck?
Belle also accounts for one of two Nice Job Breaking It, Hero developments of the episode. Which aren’t necessarily bad for drama, but do reinforce the debilitating incompetence of our supposed heroes. By entrusting Baby Gideon to Mother Superior in her effort to keep him away from Gold, Belle left him open to abduction by the Black Fairy. Belle can’t do anything right. What Belleshit.
The other is David’s hilarious and completely predictable wish backfire. Every other character this episode makes a point of stating how wishes, like most magic, tend to fuck you over. But David’s above that, baby, and it’s his impulsive wish to thwart Queenie that actually summons Gideon to Storybrooke, as he’s the one who gives Queenie what she “deserves.”
Also, I’m pretty sure what Queenie actually deserves is a fucking medal for making OUaT bearable again. Not this weird-ass cobra shit.
I know Enchanted Fauxrest Emma is supposed to be a simpering idiot, but damn, she sucks. Like, a lot. Even watching Regina murder her parents doesn’t knock the sense back into her. Yeesh.
Oh, and I was sure that Enchanted Fauxrest Rumple was totally tricking Regina with his deal for the bean. So I was disappointed when he delivered without any backstabbing, or much fanfare at all, really. Hmm.
But it’s not all bad:
On the other hand, though, I did admire his pragmatism to be content with being freed into a world he’s been told is fake. It beats staying locked up in his cell. You do you, dude.
If this is to be Queenie’s last hurrah before being replaced by Gideon, then by God, she makes it count. The Slay-a-thon comes to a jubilant crescendo this episode as Queenie really does the wreck the fuck out of our heroes with a simple, effective scheme. And if it wasn’t for David’s nimble little hands, she would have gotten away with it, too.
And Queenie isn’t merely content to defeat Emma: she does it in style. With appletinis. And she makes Aladdin her pec-peeking cabana boy, and it’s just perfect. This is the kind of villain that gets me excited about a show. Not this tortured soul thing that I one hundred percent predict Gideon will have going on. Steel yourselves now for a relentless barrage of “I know you’re in there” speeches from Belle. Fuck. Don’t leave us, Queenie!
Regina does her part, too. Once in the Enchanted Fauxrest, she attempts to talk to Emma in her normal look. But in this world, everyone assumes she’s just Queenie. So, with a little prompting from Rumple (“to make Emma be the Saviour again she needs a villain to oppose” blah blah blah), Regina puts on her sparkliest, sequinedest Queenie get-up and gives the crowd a show. Glorious.
That show also includes kidnapping Snow and Charming when Emma fails to do anything heroic. And even that’s not enough: Emma, rather than fighting Queenie at her lair as expected, capitulates and offers Regina the key to the kingdom. Regina even tears out their hearts and crushes them, and still Emma doesn’t budge.
It takes Henry attacking Regina (Regina, weirdly, accepts this fate) for Emma to reflexively spring into action and then immediately remember who she is. I’m glad it was over and done with quickly. Can you imagine if restoring Emma’s memories had been a multi-episode arc? Blech.
I hope Gideon’s arrival also means more screentime for the Black Fairy. With Queenie now in snake form, someone’s gotta take up the reins of Preening Bitch Goddess.
Oh, and I can’t believe Regina ruined cocktails in the Interior Illusions Lounge with Queenie. Oh no she betta don’t.