Once Upon a Time Season 6 Episode 9 – TV Review

OUaT Changelings Queenie grimace

I’m with ya, Queenie.

Although, despite all the Belle bullshit, Queenie still manages to rock two new costumes and slay the house down all over the place.

She doesn’t kill Zelena, though. It’s not super surprising, but it is super disappointing.

TL;DR The flashbacks are mostly a wank with Belle, but we do finally meet the elusive Black Fairy; present day Belle again tells Gold about how she don’t need him (again again again again again again); but magic causes her to have the baby; Queenie loses all allies because this show has no respect for her; Jasmine and Aladdin inch toward their goal of finding Agrabah; Emma has more visions of her impending doom.

I wish it would fucking hurry up, already.

So we’ll get those exhausting flashbacks out of the way, first: Belle (pre-falling in love with Rumple) gets antsy when Rumple brings home a stolen baby he intends to sacrifice to summon the Black Fairy. He does manage to get Her Blackness down from on high, and she’s giving Queenie a run for her dark lady fabulosity money. Oh, and also she’s Rumple’s mum. Belle ends up rescuing the baby and nothing of consequence occurs. Meanwhile in Storybrooke, Belle has more dream visions of her creepy, adult son telling her to protect him from Gold’s plan to cut his fate with the magic shears. Again (again. Again) Belle bitches at Gold about how he’s a monster and she’ll protect their son, but, shockingly, it actually gets through to him, and he abandons a plan to use aging magic on her to induce labour. So Queenie just slips it to her, instead, and Belle has the baby. But she sends it away with Mother Superior/Blue Bitch to keep it out of Gold’s hands. Gold isn’t very happy with Queenie about it all. He’s also disappointed that she fails to kill Zelena as ordered, but damn, it wasn’t for a lack of trying (Regina arbitrarily shows up and saves Zelena because bad writing). Meanwhile, Regina proclaims her utter inability to forgive Zelena for Robin’s death; Aladdin, finding the magic lamp is uninhabited, volunteers to become the genie so Jasmine can use the magic to find Agrabah; and Emma has an updated vision of her death, and sees the sword upon which she is impaled has a red jewel in its handle. She and Hook later find it in Gold’s shop.

Have I mentioned yet how fucking lame “has visions” is as a plot accelerator? Because it is.

Let’s be real, here: as soon as the Previously On focused on Belle, I was ready for another intolerable slog through a Belle-heavy episode. And there is plenty of Belle slogging to do.

But thanks to Queenie’s relentless costume changes, and a little bit of hamming from guest star Jaime Murray, this one isn’t all that bad.

And I’m glad to see that goddamn baby outta here already. Way to wrap it up, OUaT. Didn’t see that coming.


Why I hate this episode:

But I don’t expect Gold to let things go that easily. So, sadly, I don’t think we’re out of the baby drama woods yet.

Unless he does get over it bizarrely easily, which would make Gold’s characterisation inconsistent. Even by OUaT standards. Yeesh.

And where is Mother Superior going to go, anyway? Storybrooke isn’t that big. I’m sure Gold could just walk around for a bit and find her. Unless she’s leaving, but nobody says that’s what she’s doing. Whatever.

Speaking of Gold and babies and stuff, what a fucking eye-roll it was to find out that the Black Fairy, Miss New Bitch On The Block, is Rumple’s mum. Because every character in this show has to be fucking related to each other. I’m sick of it. Rumple already had one villainous, fairy-dust slinging parent. Now he has another one? Ugh.

The Black Fairy better be coming back, too. After all this teasing, and all we see her do is stand around? We need more, honey.

I hate that Zelena is still alive. And I hate that I ever expected it not to be that way. Let’s hope Emerald City shames Once Upon a Time into retiring her.

Emma’s vision quest is so sloppy and so tangential to everything else going on this episode. I’ve enjoyed this run of mostly Emma-light episodes; I don’t really want her back as a main character.

The thing I really didn’t like about this episode was the message that the Belle dream sequences subplot was sending. Dream Gideon, and by extension Belle and the show, harps on and on about how cruel and unbearable it would be for Gold to succeed in cutting his thread of fate or whatever. It would be the worst thing that could possibly happen. Umm, or how about you just make your own decisions and determine your own future? How about you make choices that matter because you’re a human with free will and a brain? Just a thought. I mean, I know it’s a show about fairy tales and that whole song and dance, but this “without my mystical fate thread I will be nothing” position is pretty yucky.

I think I’ll only care about Agrabah when Oded Fehr is on screen. Aladdin and Jasmine are dull, otherwise.

Oh, and during the Belle/Gold confrontation where she finally convinces him to back off, she straight-up fucking forgets how hard she’s been pushing him away every bloody episode this season, and plays the “if you do this you’ll lose me forever” card. Cunt, he already has. And according to you, yourself! Fuck, Baby Gideon would be better off with a nun as a mum with this dipshit as his other option.


But it’s not all bad:

The baby is gone. Please don’t come back. And I will say a rare “thank you” to Belle for making the decision to have him whisked away.

And with Belle now officially (I hope) lost to him, and no baby in her belly to worry about, could Gold now do us all a favour and murder her? I’m down.

Speaking of murder, I can’t believe Queenie actually did try to murder Zelena. OUaT just had her go for it, despite the qualms. I’m genuinely impressed. It’s a shame Regina had to show up when she did, but I’ll take any progress I can get. Better luck next time, Q. If there even is a next time. Gold rescinds his partnership with Queenie, so now she has no incentive to kill her sister. Maybe just do it, anyway? For fun? For me?

Regina doesn’t kill Zelena, but she does kill any chance for their reconciliation, as she understandably cannot ever forgive her for Robin’s death. Good. Now that Zelena hasn’t got Regina or Queenie on her side, that gets her closer to being disposable enough to write out. Quickly, now.

Jaime Murray doesn’t get a lot to do as the Black Fairy, but she makes a strong enough impression. Rumple has a sooky whinge at her about how, although she loved abducting children, she didn’t keep her own baby. Which is him. She pretends to be taken aback, but shortly rebuts, with a smile on her face, that she DGAF about him, and she chose power over her stupid baby. Good choice.

I admire Aladdin’s willingness to snap on those genie bracelets and submit himself to the genie life if it means saving Agrabah. Besides, Jasmine only needs to make two wishes, really: 1) find Agrabah; and 2) set Aladdin free. If she wants to be really economical, she could use the remaining wish to defeat Jafar or something. Easy.

At least Emma’s visions still show her dying. I can suffer updates as long as the outcome stays the same.

Oh, and let’s not forget Queenie’s two costume changes this episode. And both with entirely too much hair. Which is the exact right amount.

OUaT Changelings Queenie costume change

Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

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About ijusthateeverything

Sincerity is death.

4 responses to “Once Upon a Time Season 6 Episode 9 – TV Review”

  1. The One Who Knows says :

    All the Belle bullshit.

    I’m pretty sure if Queenie knew how hard you were stanning her, she would kill Zelena in a heartbeat!

    And while the Black Fairy being Rumple’s mother is tenuous and tiring, it does explain why he is so messed up and acts the way he does. Power over her own child? Damn! That’s a life’s worth of fuckery and unsettlement.

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