Once Upon a Time Season 6 Episode 7 – TV Review

OUaT Heartless Queenie heart rip

I feel a “but” coming on.

Sadly, one of the pitfalls of being full-on villain is having full-on villain stupidity.

Oh, Queenie.

That’s not to say her alternative punishment isn’t amusing, though.

TL;DR Queenie succeeds in getting Snow and David’s hearts, but casts a sleeping curse on them that will keep them apart forever; a lot of the episode is devoted to how true Snow and Charming’s love is, so blech; Zelena finds out about Queenie and Gold’s tryst and is unimpressed; Emma still whinges about her impending doom; the flashbacks are yet another look at how Snow and Charming met, but this time they didn’t even know they met.

OUaT thinks this is profound, when really it’s just exhausting.

So Queenie isn’t waiting around on her dream of snagging herself Snow White’s heart. Gold gives her some River of Souls water he pinched from the Underworld, and Queenie blackmails Snow into giving up the goods, or else she’ll murder the whole of Storybrooke. Mother Superior offers a solution: a sapling born of True Love that came to Storybrooke from the Enchanted Forest. Our heroes reach it first, but Queenie turns it to dust, and Snow is forced to forfeit her heart (and David’s. Because they’re sharing hers. Right? I don’t really remember). But to everyone’s surprise, Queenie doesn’t crush it. Instead, she gives them their hearts back, but with a saucy twist: a sleeping curse that will keep them apart. True Love’s Kiss will wake them up, but then the other will immediately fall asleep. Escandalo. Meanwhile, Zelena walks in on Queenie and Gold hooking up, and sees this as yet another affront to her sisterly bonding. So she tattles to Belle, who again plays the “I’m a strong, independent black woman who don’t need no Gold” card. Again. Like, again, you know? She did it again, you guys. Meanwhile, Emma still frets about her death visions. And the flashbacks are an arduous slog through, can you believe it, another Snow/Charming flashback. In this one, they accidentally meet in the woods while fending off the Woodcutter, one of Queenie’s bounty hunters. This meeting was the first touch of true love, and is what gave life to the sapling.

The sapling that didn’t do fucking anything. Did Keegan Connor Tracy really need to come back just for that?

So the story of Season 6 continues: Queenie struts the house down, while everything else is the quicksand of shit that it always is.

Did we need a-fucking-nother Snow/Charming flashback episode? We get it, alright. They’re super dooper meant for each other. Good grief.

 

Why I hate this episode:

The meeting this episode is such a contrivance, too. She gets abducted by the Woodcutter and held in a box. Charming, also encountering the Woodcutter, helps free her. But of course, they never see each other, so only now in the present when they have a True Love memory montage from touching the sapling do they realise that this was in fact their first meeting. OUaT wants to weave this as some kind of epic destiny/fate thing, but instead it comes across as the lazy, filler ass-pull that it is. Who cares?

The sapling comes and goes with surprisingly little fanfare, too. I thought it looked a lot like a magic wand, so expected it would have some kind of power. But nope, Queenie just disintegrates it like it ain’t no thang. Unless it comes back, what the fuck was the point of it all?

I felt bad for Mother Superior/Blue Bitch, too. She spends the episode in stupid costumes doing basically nothing. The fanservice aspect of bringing her back wasn’t totally lost on me, though. It’s good to see she hasn’t been forgotten. Just merely sidelined into obsolescence.

I was IRL screaming at Queenie to crush Snow and David’s hearts when she had them. Bloody hell.

How many pep talks does Emma need?

Zelena continues to be the worst thing about this season of OUaT. She’s moved on from being mad at Regina for an imagined slight, to being mad at Queenie for an imagined slight. She takes Queenie’s secret-keeping about her fucking of Gold to be a failure of sisterhood or some tedious shit. What the fuck, Zelena? Get a grip, girl.

Belle suffers from the knock-on effect of Zelena’s pettiness. She again (again again again again) bitches at Gold about how she doesn’t need his protection and he’s a selfish fiend blah blah blah. Stop, honey. Please.

Oh, and Snow’s flashback arc is about how she wants to run away from her troubles because they’re all so insurmountable. But then she kind of assists Charming in thwarting (and murdering) the Woodcutter, which all of a sudden gives her the resolve to stay and fight for what’s right. Bitch, all you did was grab a guy’s arm through a hole in the prison you’d been stuffed in. That doesn’t make you fucking Xena.

 

But it’s not all bad:

Charming and Snow kind of straight-up murder the Woodcutter. It’s unusually vicious of them. I appreciated it.

But enough about those two idiots, because this episode, like the season so far, belongs to motherfuckin’ Queenie. She formulates a plan (blackmail Snow into capitulation), executes it, and does it with flair. When it comes time to rip Snow and David’s hearts out, she summons the whole town to witness it. That’s right: Queenie does it at a press conference. Because she’s a boss-ass bitch.

Yes, she pulls the punch by not simply crushing them, but she takes a page from Kai’s book (not his best page, but meh) and casts a sleeping curse that will separate Snow and David forever. They can use True Love’s Kiss to break it, but that only switches the one afflicted by the curse. They cannot be together. So juicy. So chic. So Queenie.

Queenie also gets her mack on with Gold this episode. No more ambiguity: they’re banging. See, Belle? Gold’s moving on. Why don’t you shut your pregnant bitch face and do the same?

Speaking of Gold’s level of emotional maturity, he’s no angel, either. His takeaway from Belle whingeing at him this episode isn’t to be a better man for the sake of their baby. No, it’s to get mad at Zelena for gossiping to Belle about him and Queenie. Good. Somebody needs to take that green dickhead down a peg.

Regina realises that her latent lust for Gold/Rumple is manifesting in Queenie, so uses that to her advantage by inviting Zelena to walk in on the lovers with a forged note. I lol’d.

Oh, and I’m not sure if it was the lighting, but Queenie gets mad pash rash, bro. As you would expect from her.

OUaT Heartless Queenie Gold pash rash

She’s got no time to waste. There’s no way OUaT is going to maintain this level of fabulosity for long.

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About ijusthateeverything

Sincerity is death.

4 responses to “Once Upon a Time Season 6 Episode 7 – TV Review”

  1. Anonymous says :

    Belle is only interesting when she’s Lacey. Pregnant hard-drinking Lacey, LOL

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