Once Upon a Time Season 6 Episode 6 – TV Review

OUaT Dark Waters Queenie apple

She’s the only reason I’m still watching.

Queenie saves us yet again from the slog of a “who cares?” backstory episode.

This time, it’s Hook. Again. Because we need more of that winding, unintelligible tapestry.

Jesus.

TL;DR Flashbacks show us Hook’s run-in with his other brother Liam, and Captain Nemo; Liam2 shows up in Storybrooke for a weak swipe at vengeance; Henry resents Hook for replacing him as the man in Emma’s life; Emma convinces Aladdin to help Jasmine save Agrabah; Queenie strikes a new deal with Gold.

Sadly, it doesn’t involve sex. Well, yet.

So the major plot this week is the umpteenth look at Hook’s backstory, as we learn Hook, back in his Jolly Roger days, was once (sorta?) abducted by Captain Nemo. Because Nemo wanted him to join his submarine crew and be merry, rather than seek revenge against Rumple. But oops, Nemo’s first mate happens to be the grown up Baby Liam (not that Liam. The other one), and he’s not too happy when he learns his father’s murderer has been recruited. They tussle, and Nemo ends up shanked as fuck. Meanwhile in the present, Nemo’s sub shows up in Storybrooke just as Hook and Henry are arguing about Henry’s Oedipal complex (and the fact that Hook kept the Fates’ shears). Liam captures them and intends to finally get his revenge, but seeing Hook and Henry’s relationship melts his icy heart yada yada yada and then Nemo somehow ends up being one of the TLoUS refugees so happy days. Cool? Meanwhile, Emma gets under Aladdin’s skin to take back his Saviour duties, but Jasmine then tells him that Agrabah vanished. Cool? Meanwhile, Snow and Belle gab about Belle’s ultrasound and how Belle feels guilty for excluding Gold. And Queenie, fresh off her foiled plan to pit Henry against Hook, ends up with the Fates’ shears and offers them to Gold in exchange for his help with one thing: getting Snow White’s heart.

It’s back to basics, bitches. And nobody knows basic bitches like me.

I wish ABC would just release a supercut of the season with only Queenie’s scenes and subplots. It would save us from spending ninety percent of an episode pretending we care about seeing more of Hook’s tragic past.

Because let’s be real: we’re all only here for Queenie.

Well, there are probably a few Gold fans still standing. I dunno.

 

Why I hate this episode:

Even the show seems desperately disinterested in the whole Captain Nemo shebang. He’s just dumped in there as some bizarre connective tissue to bring Hook and Liam2 together. It’s weird. Even by late-season OUaT standards.

The weirdest part is that the last we see of Nemo in the flashbacks is him getting stabbed, apparently fatally, by Liam2 (accidentally). So then how did he end up flying into Storybrooke aboard TLoUS airship? He’s found out in the Storybrooke woods near death and brought to the hospital. The episode sets up the reunion of Nemo and Liam2 to be all warm and meaningful, but it doesn’t make any sense. Again, even by late-season OUaT standards.

The real crime, and to my surprise, is that all the submarine/Nemo/Liam2 stuff gets in the way of an otherwise effective stand-off between Henry and Hook. Yeah, the “hate mum’s new man” thing is hardly original, but it could have worked. But nope, krakens and Mysterious Islands, instead.

Poor Snow gets her obligatory lines this episode by playing Mummy Besties with Belle. Yuck. I’m no Bechdel-testing uber feminist, but is that all you can give your female characters? An afternoon yak at the hospital about babies and ultrasounds? Boo.

Was anyone else pissed off that Jasmine had been railing so hard about needing Aladdin to help her save Agrabah, but then the minute he’s in, she’s like “Soz lol Agrabah actually disappeared don’t worry about it.” What the hell, woman?

Oh, and after all this trouble over Hook having kept the Fates’ shears behind Emma’s back, when Hook tells Emma what he did, she doesn’t care. What a storm in a fucking teacup.

 

But it’s not all bad:

Do we really expect Henry to do anything rational, though? So I suppose I’m glad OUaT is reaffirming my dislike of him.

Queenie is the one who really deserves the kudos for getting that ball rolling. She’s the one who recognises Henry’s Oedipal frustrations, so springs the news on him that Hook kept the shears, so go get that liar, tiger. Queenie also reminds us that she is still Henry’s mother, which is true. So it’s not like she was acting totally out of line. She was helping her son. See?

The ultimate goal of the plan, though, appears to have been to make sure Henry and Hook dumped the shears in the ocean. So she could retrieve them and offer them to Gold, who wants to use them to sever Belle and her baby’s possibly cruel fates. Clever girl.

And the reveal that what Queenie wants in return is Snow’s heart could just be the turn in the right direction that OUaT needs. The callbacks to earlier seasons at the end of last season got me all tingly. So a return to the days of Queenie wanting to heart-snatch Snow White sounds divine, darling. Bring it on.

Regina refers to Queenie as “Queenie.” I’m always right.

Oh, and Queenie, as opposed to recycling outfits, actually gets two looks this episode. She doesn’t put in any hair for the second one, but a look is a look, baby.

OUaT Dark Waters Queenie outfit change

It won’t be the same without Tyra.

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About ijusthateeverything

Sincerity is death.

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