The Vampire Diaries Season 8 Episode 1 – TV Review
I remember a time when I would salivate at the thought of the next episode of The Vampire Diaries each week.
Yeah, I hurled a lot of abuse (like, a lot) Elena’s way, but without her, TVD has gone from OMG, appointment television to merely a chore.
It’s yet to reach PLL levels of “I literally don’t give a fuck what’s happening, and I’m only here out of morbid completionism,” but it’s not good.
Let’s just hope TVD’s demise doesn’t drag The Originals down with it.
TL;DR Our heroes find Damon and Enzo, but they can’t free them from their monstrous captor; who turns out to be a hot chick (this is the CW, remember?); Alaric takes over parental duties from Caroline; Bonnie’s love of Enzo is as difficult to swallow as ever; Elena isn’t back yet.
Come on, Nina. This is the last hurrah. Don’t make us settle for Jeremy.
So we’re picking up not long after last season’s finale saw the Giant Space Flee From Nowhere in the Armory’s vault stealing Enzo and Damon to do its bidding. Which is murder and stuff. The usual. It’s not as fun as Damon made it out to be in the finale, though, so Enzo leaves breadcrumbs from the murders for our heroes to find. Enter Bonnie and Stefan, hot on the case. They find the abattoir base surprisingly quickly, but are turfed out by Damon and Enzo because it’s too dangerous or whatever, with Damon again telling Stefan not to save him. Stefan takes Damon’s apparent rejection (Damon’s turned off his humanity switch, so is especially cruel) to heart, but Bonnie is convinced her epic love for Enzo will win the day, and figures out through flashbacks and conclusion jumps that the Giant Space Flea is akin to a Siren from The Odyssey. Bitch, this is TVD, not Supernatural. Get outta here with that. Meanwhile, Alex’s Li’l Sis comes after Caroline’s twins, supposedly to prevent the Giant Space Flea from getting them. Caroline manages to get the upper hand, but Li’l Sis kills herself to prevent further interrogation. Of fucking course. And then Alaric kicks Caroline out of the house so he can live with the kids and their new, hot nanny (Teacher from Containment). Meanwhile, Alaric also gets the gooey eyes from an intern of his. And the episode ends with the Giant Space Flea apparently having had its fill of victims, as it emerges from a pool of blood to be… a naked, sexy lady.
With perfect makeup.
Honestly, unless Nina Dobrev comes back, I’m not that interested in TVD, anymore. It lacks focus and it lacks stakes. It just feels like nothing matters.
Damon and Enzo can go on a killing spree, adorning their lair in hanging body parts, and literally feeding people alive to a monster, and nobody, neither characters nor the show itself, seems to bat an eye. Horrific mass murder is just par for the course these days. And I’m over it.
Yes, my lovelies on The Originals have body counts in the tens of thousands (they’re coming for your title, Felicity), but at least they intermittently feel bad about it. Or at least address it.
What chance do you think there is that anyone’s going to care about or even mention the swath of murders Enzo and Damon committed once our heroes have them back?
I’m over it, man.
Why I hate this episode:
Elena is probably the one who would be finger-wagging about it all, and she’s not here. What kind of fucked up nightmare is it when I actually miss Elena? Jesus.
I also still want to see Katherine come back. I refuse to believe Nina Dobrev won’t rock up for at least the finale, and I’ll always hold onto the unusual way Katherine vanished into the void when she died (she never passed through Bonnie to the Other Side, remember? So she couldn’t have been sucked away like the Other Siders were. Because she didn’t get there in the first place. Wake up, sheeple!). Give us this final gift, TVD. We deserve it for putting up with this current shit.
Damon warns Enzo not to leave the clues for Bonnie like he did, because the Giant Space Flea knows all their thoughts and will find out and then do bad things and stuff. But, like, it didn’t? Don’t build it up as some omnipotent super Devil if it’s not, show.
Speaking of hyperbole, in Damon’s rejection rant to Stefan, he goes on and on about how he’s experienced Hell and oh woe is me death would be a blessing wah wah wah. Shut up. Enzo’s humanity is still on and he isn’t whingeing. Get over it, Damon. Also, I’m pretty sure the years you spent in the Augustine torture lab would have been worse. Giant Space Flea is a bit grabhandsy, but the Augustine guys used to vivisect you, so.
TVD is pushing far too hard on the Bonnie/Enzo romance. Like it isn’t some last minute Pair the Spares situation. Yeah, right. Her conclusion jump that the body found having been strangled by a guitar string means Enzo’s leaving her clues, because he taught her how to play guitar, is pretty ridiculous, too. It’s not all about you, Bonnie.
It might be better if it was, though. TVD is a full season and now one episode into a lack of a main character. Who does it think it is? Scream Queens?
I don’t want to keep seeing Alaric and Caroline’s kids.
Oh, and Damon punts Enzo into the Giant Space Flea’s tank at one point, but it doesn’t eat him. So a guy who stole medicine is fine, but a mass-murdering undead abomination isn’t hardcore enough? Ugh.
But it’s not all bad:
Damon says that the Giant Space Flea doesn’t want Stefan, either. That must be a bruise to Stefan’s exhausting “I’m the worst person ever,” self-flagellation complex. Which makes me happy.
I suspect the absolute dearth of any competing romances to be the reason, but I am finding myself quite on board for Stefan and Caroline as a couple these days. Alaric clearly don’t want her, no. And I don’t think there’s any possibility of Elena, once she returns, dumping Damon for Stefan. So they might as well make it work. Good on you two.
If Hot Nanny had been a random nobody actress, I wouldn’t have thought anything of her. But seeing as the CW threw Teacher from Containment a bone with the role, maybe she could have a shot with Alaric? But she’ll have to fend off Horny Intern first.
Horny Intern’s forwardness is refreshing.
Giant Space Flea is hot as Hell. Pun intended. She’s giving peak Rebecca Romijn vibes. I’m in.
Li’l Sis cuts Hot Nanny’s throat (Caroline manages to save her), and almost kills the twins. So close, baby. And biting her own tongue off to prevent Caroline from questioning her is pretty intense.
Alaric and his interns work on finding out how Damon and Enzo escaped the vault cave, and end up discovering a false wall that leads to an unnaturally preserved treasure room. Cute.
Oh, and multiple actors accidentally let slip their level of exhaustion with The Vampire Diaries during takes, but Paul Wesley’s is my favourite: