Once Upon a Time Season 6 Episode 2 – TV Review
Queenie Fabulosity Watch, Week 2: Queenie is still fabulous.
End of review.
TL;DR Just kidding, but it is mostly Queenie this episode (thank God); Emma continues to conceal her visions of doom; Queenie is out to prove Regina is still dark inside and will ruin everyone or something; Henry wants to help the refugees from The Land of Untold Stories find peace; the Count of Monte Cristo is the latest literary character to get sucked into the OUaT void.
A brief indignity for him, mercifully.
So the Storybrooke portion of our tale this episode largely concerns Regina’s fight to keep an old acquaintance from killing Snow and David: the Count of Monte Cristo. She tasked him with killing Snow and Charming back in the Enchanted Forest days, but now he’s here from The Land of Untold Stories, and oddly devoted to upholding their deal. But obviously, it turns out that Queenie is behind it (she’s controlling his heart), and the whole kerfuffle was designed to force Regina to kill Monte to save her friends, thus proving there’s darkness yet within Regina. Duh. Meanwhile, Emma frets alone about her future death visions, and with the developments, worries that Regina could be the hooded figure who does her in. Because Emma is a fucking cunt. Meanwhile, Henry tasks himself with helping out the refugees using the Once Upon a Time storybook as a reference. But with the sour ending of Monte, he realises there’s a reason why these people fled their stories in the first place. Meanwhile, Hook lets Belle stay on the Jolly Roger now that she’s dumped Gold. Meanwhile, Queenie tries to get into Gold’s pants, and tries to get into David’s head about his father’s death. And the Enchanted Forest flashbacks show how Queenie harangued Monte into becoming a puppet to assassinate Snow and Charming. But he failed in his mission because he fell in love with some random handmaiden, and then Rumple, tiffing with Queenie (because why not?), sent the pair to TLoUS when Miss Handy got poisoned.
By the very poison Monte almost used on the Charmings. Oh, the tragedy!
It’s an encouraging sign that OUaT is already leaning so heavily on Queenie and Regina. The only problem with Regina being a villain is that she can’t be a hero, and the only problem with Regina being a hero is that she can’t be a villain. Now we get the best of both worlds.
And the best of both worlds is always Queenie/Regina.
Do we even need Emma, anymore?
Why I hate this episode:
If that blonde bitch even thinks about pre-emptively coming for Regina, I will not be amused. Of course Emma would assume that the hooded figure from her vision would be Regina, and not Queenie. Of course she would assume it’s the friend she’s built up over five seasons, and not the literal embodiment of evil that’s just rolled into town. Because, let’s say it again, Emma is a fucking cunt.
Speaking of being too stupid to live, Zelena again walks straight into a terribly written scuffle with Regina over trust. The gang has just discovered that a protection spell has been placed on Storybrooke, barring anyone from leaving, and that it’s Regina’s magic that’s made it. Zelena is the only person who could have gotten into the vault to do so, which means that Zelena just has to roll up at that very moment. And, because of a minor slight, Zelena decides not to warn anyone about the, again, literal embodiment of evil prancing around town. Come on, writers. Come on.
Zelena then caps off her time this episode by appearing to solidify her alliance with Queenie. Why is Zelena still in this show? Oh, yeah. The rape baby.
The Count of Monte Cristo is pretty wasted on the episode. ABC doesn’t even really captialise on the Revenge allusions. Weak.
The TLoUS refugees are bit steampunk for my taste.
How on Earth was Gold able to resist Queenie’s seduction? The man is insane!
Oh, and this is just me being a bit loose on my OUaT continuity, but I had no idea what the whole spat between Queenie and Rumple in the flashbacks was about. I think it was to do with him wanting her to activate the dark curse, which is why he protected Snow and Charming from her; so she wouldn’t simply murder them. I don’t know. Does OUaT really expect us to keep track?
But it’s not all bad:
I do like seeing Queenie and Rumple/Gold back together as sexy adversaries. None of this goody two-shoes shit.
And Gold doesn’t give Queenie a hard “no,” either. This could still happen, people.
Really, Queenie just stomps all over this episode like it’s a goddamned runway. She is exactly what OUaT has been missing. Even amid these groan-worthy Emma visions and Henry’s latest Operation Cobra, a good strutting from Queenie makes it all worthwhile. She is eternal.
Her juiciest moment, even juicier than when she makes Gold feel her up, is when she confronts Regina in the woods. Yas. Motherfucking. Queen.
In fact, she does a lot of “I’m back, bitches” reveals this episode. And every one is golden. More Queenie all the time, always. Please.
Her motivation is pretty lame (she wants to coax Regina into becoming evil again and ruining everything), but her methods are so divine that I don’t even care. I’d advise that she dump Zelena, though. She’ll only bring down property values.
Regina surprisingly doesn’t pale too much in comparison to her more bedazzled counterpart. Her emotions feel sincere (she actually kinda gives a shit about having to kill Monte). And she got a haircut that makes her look more like her Season 1 self. It was due.
Snow, unlike her selfish daughter, continues to be a pillar of support for Regina. At least somebody is.
I’m glad that Belle didn’t pull a Felicity Smoak and kick Gold out of their place because she wanted to break up. Pro tip for all female characters: don’t be Felicity Smoak.
Regina gets the best line of the episode when she admits to Snow and David about her past self’s contract with Monte, and David is upset she didn’t inform them sooner: “Do you really wanna hear about every time I tried to kill you?” They’re my favourite kind of stories.
When Monte walks away from Queenie in a flashback, she casually checks out his butt. Natch.
Oh, and Gold says he’ll abide whatever wretched plans Queenie has as long as Belle and her belly bun are unharmed. Including plans that involve hot, villain sex?