Pretty Little Liars Season 7 Episode 9 – TV Review

PLL The Wrath of Kahn Jason shirtless

That’s the show I want to watch.

Sadly, Jason spends all his time pining for Aria.

At least Alison isn’t in this episode.

TL;DR Jason and Aria waste so, so much time with their doomed, non-OTP rubbish; the Liars find proof that Noel was an accomplice to Cece but promptly lose it; Hanna goes vigilante on Noel’s arse; Emily allows her lusty eyes to wander to Paige.

But Sabrina can make you cake, Emily. Don’t give that up so easily.

With Alison AWOL, the Liar-by-Liar isn’t as agonising this week:

Aria shits up the place, as she does, by hanging out with Jason in an attempt to get Mary’s second child’s adoption records. They don’t, but they do reminisce about their fling during the time skip. And Aussie Chick, as I warned, isn’t found with the South American hostages, by the way. Duh.

The secrets Emily is keeping from Sabrina start to strain their honeymoon period relationship, so an in-the-know Paige is a timely outlet for her angst.

Spencer (with Emily along for the ride) leads the charge on investigating Noel, and they find a USB with videos of Noel aiding Cece during the time the Liars were in the bunker. But AD steals it back, despite the gang having ample time to make copies.

And Hanna stalks Noel with the intention to drug and torture him or something. When he doesn’t take the bait, she just whallops him over the back of the head, instead.

She may be a presumptuous dickhead, but she’s a presumptuous dickhead who gets shit done.

While I don’t appreciate that the episode devotes so much time to Aria and Jason’s half baked romance, I do appreciate that it gives us more opportunities to ogle Jason. So that’s cool.

But I’m just so sick of these girls, after seven seasons, still being so obstructively dumb. They haven’t learned even the barest lessons about anything.

You lost the fucking USB? Idiots!


Why I hate this episode:

And it’s not like they didn’t have time to make copies. They had it for at least several hours, and all three of the in-Rosewood Liars (Hanna is out on the prowl, remember) knew about it. You should have all copied it at least once each, and then made backups to hide, and then made cloud saves, and then made double saves and backups and copies again. For absolute fuck’s sake, I couldn’t believe it when the USB was swiped from Spencer by a shadowy figure. Are you fucking kidding? Next episode better reveal that she did make a copy or something, because Jesus, man.

The conclusion jump to Noel being Cece’s accomplice makes sense with the videos they find, but come on, guys. You know he’s being blackmailed or is under duress or something. You know that’s how it’s going to turn out. Just have a little skepticism for five fucking seconds. Please.

Hanna is evidently willing to attack Noel, and she hasn’t even seen the videos. You know what? I hope she does kill him or whatever. Just so we can get past this stupid PTSD subplot hindrance. Get it done, bitch. Then get over it.

Emily’s journey back to Paige makes me happy, but the way she gets there is ridiculous. She’s uncomfortable around Sabrina because she can’t tell her about all the AD stuff going on. Which is fair. But then it’s Sabrina who cranks it up to eleven with her unbridled selfishness. She comes to see Emily as a surprise and suggests they go to dinner, but Emily is currently convening with the other Liars about AD matters. As far as Sabrina can see, Emily’s hanging out with her friends, right? So when Emily’s like “nah, babe,” Sabrina goes into full hissy fit mode and complains that Emily is withholding. Bitch, she was hanging out with her friends. Step off. How about you text or call first, huh? Rude.

Emily doesn’t help the matter by sighing and stammering when Sabrina asks her why she won’t come to dinner. All Emily had to say was that she was spending time with her friends and she can’t go. But an ABC Family (Freeform? Do you care?) show can’t have that, darling.

Aria and Jason’s relationship is so pointless. If PLL has taught us anything over its entire run, it’s that Aria and Ezra will never not end up together.

Aussie Chick turns out to not be one of the rescued hostages from the South American militants. I told you not to buy that plane ticket.

Where’s Ashley?

Hell, any of the parents, for that matter. I’m starting to get concerned.

PLL has the audacity to call back to Season fucking 3 with a reference to Noel’s brother’s parties. Eric Kahn doesn’t show up because PLL can’t afford Robbie Amell, anymore, though. So calm your panties. But why bother mentioning him at all? Because it’s the last season and we have to connect every dot to every other dot? Oh.

Calling back to the bunker is also disappointing.

Sara’s phone lock screen is a photo of herself.

Hanna’s plan to drug Noel is almost hard to believe in how obvious and juvenile it is. She buys some knockout drugs, and then crushes one up and slips it into a beer she tries to hand him at a bar. She pushes the drink way too hard, even trying to do a cheers to get him to drink. He doesn’t fall for it, obviously. Like, seriously, Hanna? And seriously, PLL? I was expecting some kind of switcheroo or something where he takes her drink, but she anticipated that and drugged her own etc. But nope. Just a big, fat fail.

Oh, and in the Aria/Jason flashback, he asks her to join him on some humanitarian mission to Ethiopia (which she rejects, of course). Dear God, Jason is Aria’s very own Aussie Chick.


But it’s not all bad:

Except he didn’t die, and kept his bizarrely oiled body around for us. He’s a team player.

The sliver of hope that I have regarding the videos is that the laptop from which AD steals it back, the one that Spencer uses at home, appears to be Veronica’s laptop. The show seems to be making a point about it, so maybe that means that it could have saved the videos or something? Allow me this optimism?

Or maybe the USB was bugged and it’ll fuck Veronica up, and Spencer will get blamed for it. That would be cute.

The best part of the episode is, happily, Emily’s return to Paige’s more-than-willing arms. Emily feels like she can confide in Paige (Paige also sells this pretty hard. Because she wants that puss back), so she does. Bye, Sabrina. You were indistinct.

It’s not confirmed that Noel murdered Sara, but he doesn’t deny it. Cool.

Marco comes sniffing back around for Spencer. She turns him down near the start of the episode, but when he comes back again at the end, following AD’s USB snatch-n-grab, she’s more accommodating. He may be too old for you, but at least he’s not engaged.

I lol’d at Aussie Chick’s non rescue.

The court records about Mary’s second baby’s adoption are redacted into oblivion, so they’re not much use. All Aria and Jason get from them is the name of the judge who was involved, which turns out to be Noel’s dad. They theorise that maybe he adopted the baby, and that baby is Noel. Cool.

Points to Noel for resisting Hanna’s attempt at tricking info out of him, rejecting the dosed beer, and then just taking Sara’s phone (Hanna’s evidence against him for Sara’s murder) by force and leaving. He didn’t predict the whack to the back of the head, but good job, otherwise, bro.

Oh, and did I mention Jason is attractive?

PLL The Wrath of Kahn Aria Jason flashback

And she chose Ezra?

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About ijusthateeverything

Sincerity is death.

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