Pretty Little Liars Season 7 Episode 7 – TV Review

PLL Original G'Angsters Jason Aria

“Ezra who?”

I can’t do this, anymore.

Just let it be over. Please.

Only thirteen episodes to go. God save me.

TL;DR Jason returns and trades barbs with Mary; the Liars and Alison find some underground research cellar of Jessica’s that they immediately lose; nobody’s too upset over Sara’s death; Noel hovers impotently; Aria decides to elope with Ezra.

Psychotic stalker murdering people around you? Who cares? We’ve got a wedding to mull over.

Let’s just endure this Liar-by-Liar:

Aria and her wedding woes are where it’s at this episode. Ezra wants to elope, but Aria thinks having her friends as bridesmaids is more important than who she’s marrying. She also apparently banged Jason during the time skip, but whatever.

Emily’s mum, Pam, is in town to visit, and Emily tries to cheer her up and move on with life without her dead husband. She also spots Noel hanging around Hotel Radley, but he doesn’t do much.

Spencer, aided by Hanna and Caleb, sneaks into Jenna’s hotel room for clues on AD. They find some coded papers, and also discover Noel raided the Mary Drake Radley files from Toby. And, as if Caleb’s rejection wasn’t enough, Toby also double dumps Spencer by announcing Yvonne is his priority, and that he’s moving away.

Hanna doesn’t do anything.

And Alison tries to broker peace between Jason and Mary. It goes so-so, but Mary does happen to out-of-fucking-nowhere mention that Jessica had a cellar at that cabin we saw a yonks and yonks ago (the one where Charles’ fake grave was. I think?). The girls (minus a mid-elopement Aria) check it out and discover Jessica had been trying to find Alison when the world had presumed her dead, and had proof she was alive. And then AD blows it up.

Sadly, no Liars were injured.

Oh, and Mary had a second baby. Because Pretty Little Liars needed even more Dilaurentis family bullshit.

I feel like I’m on crazy pills, here. Am I wrong? Am I so far removed from reality, and PLL actually is adored by the majority of the people who watch it, and I’m just the crank who can’t see through to its inner brilliance?

I just… I’m at a loss for words. I just don’t get it. It’s so bewilderingly awful to me.

I must be wrong.


Why I hate this episode:

But being wrong never stopped anybody from complaining on the Internet, now did it, bitches?

I’m going to continue harping on the whole Dilaurentis family thing. Why the fucking fuck do any of the Liars matter, when everything about AD and the mystery arc is all solely related to the Dilaurentises? Why should Aria, Emily, Hanna, and Spencer be attacked and threatened when they have literally nothing to do with it? I’m sick of it, man. I’m sick of it.

And, as a reminder, the girls were, like, children when most of this backstory bullshit went down. They only got out of their teens thanks to the time skip. AD’s motive better turn out to be fucking transcendent to justify all this garbage. God. Damn.

AD’s position is getting pretty ridiculous. When they blow up Jessica’s Fortress of Solitude, they give a message to the girls that if they (the girls) discover AD’s identity before Cece’s killer is revealed, then AD will kill them. Fuck you, AD. How can you be so omniscient, yet not know yet, yourself? Fuck you. Fuck you fuck you fuck you. If you’re so competent at being twenty trillion steps ahead of everyone, you fucking figure it out. What do you even want from the Liars and Alison, anymore? Is it just punishment? Fuck you.

The great unpleasantness that happened between Toby and Jenna during the time skip is revealed to be that she tried to kiss him one time and he said no. That’s not salacious, honey.

Even after all the ass-pulls PLL has done over the years, I still can’t believe that a bit of throwaway dialogue in Mary’s reminiscence over the cabin is how the show segues the girls into Jessica’s secret cellar. What the fuck?

Mary had a second child? Oh my God, no. Stop.

Where’s Ashley? You gave us fucking Pam (although, it’s good to see Pam), but no Ashley?

Ashley wasn’t with Jason. Oh, the injustice.

Oh, and the FBI show up while Aria and Ezra are on the way to elope and say that they think Aussie Chick is alive. For fuck’s sake, no. No. No. No, thank you. No.


But it’s not all bad:

As long as she’s filming for PLL, she can’t be filming for The Originals.

I’m shocked to say it, but Emily is the one to save this episode. Her subplot with trying to pep talk Pam into living her life is really sweet. And I’m just glad to finally see a returning adult character. Ashley’s gotta be next, right?

Speaking of returning characters, I did get more than a little excited to see Jason’s beautiful face, again. Crappy beard and all. And bitch knows how to work the “running a hand through long hair” thing. Woof.

I don’t appreciate that he and Aria were together during the time skip, but this could put some strain on her relationship with Ezra. I’ll take any reason to break those two up that I can get.

Noel has some mystery injury or something. I’m guessing that has something to do with why he wants revenge.

Best line of the episode goes to Hanna, who is compelled to comment on pictures she sees of herself on Jessica’s cellar conspiracy board: “Damn, my hair looked good.” Priorities.

Hanna also gets the episode’s second best line, in the time-honoured PLL tradition of cruelly slamming Jenna for being blind. Caleb is perpetrating a ruse to steal a key from her by posing as a masseuse. Hanna questions his dedication to authenticity: “You know you can turn the lights on. She won’t know the difference.” Get it? Because Alison burned Jenna’s eyes out.

Alison also gets an honourable mention for this meta greeting to Jason: “You’re here, now. But I never know how long you’ll stay.” Ikr?

Pam parties with some rowdy bachelorettes.

Could Toby be gone for good, please?

Oh, and Noel is no Jason, but he’s still a sight for sore, confused, frustrated, annoyed, infuriated, despondent, hopeless, defeated eyes.

PLL Original G'Angsters Noel Kahn

Just kidding. Glee took what was left of my sanity years ago.

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About ijusthateeverything

Sincerity is death.

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