Scream Season 2 Episode 9 – TV Review

Scream The Orphanage Lesbait dead

Libby from Sabrina but without the fabulousness?

Just kidding. I know who it is. It’s Lesbait.

She doesn’t have a real name, does she?

TL;DR Another nothing victim (and no chase scene); new evidence suggests Ghostface could be out for revenge over Piper’s death; Emma and Audrey’s big truth showdown is fumbled and kind of ignored; Zoe and Noah have full-on sex.

It’s gross. This is why you cast your high schoolers with mid twenties actors. So the sex scenes are hot, instead of yucky.

So Emma and Audrey both get pretty prominent shares of the plot this week, but we’ll start with Emma. Following Audrey’s revelation (but we don’t get to see their confrontation), Emma starts exhibiting violent tendencies. This is exacerbated by a tape Ghostface feeds her and Kieran of New Hot Teacher (it was from her research stash) saying that she thinks Emma is pretty violent, yo. A visit to New Hot Teacher in the hospital yields nebulous screams from our injured dear, but some flowers she receives and a quick break-in of her house committed by Emma and Kieran shows that New Hot Teacher and Piper went to the same orphanage or something. Meanwhile, Audrey, on the outs from Emma and everyone, wants to get to the bottom of how Emma received her little confessional recording. She first bitches at Noah for recording it, and then points every finger she has quite rightly at Zoe for leaking it. Despite the fact Zoe totally did steal the recording, Noah, ever eager to keep his dick wet, instead assumes Ghostface bugged his room, and that’s how they got the recording. Whatever. Our leading ladies’ plots converge at the orphanage, where a big Ghostface-themed party is being thrown by Lesbait, who admits she’s doing it on behalf of her lover. Who is Ghostface, and discreetly murders her. Whoopsie. Elsewhere, New Sheriff admits to Maggie that his son and a friend of his once played with a gun, and that friend died (like they were talking about last episode). New New Guy was more interested in drawing his friend’s bleeding body than calling emergency services, it seems. And New New Guy snoops through his dad’s shit and finds the text convo evidence between Jake and Mr Mayor. He passes it onto Brooke, who then bitches out her dad for effectively precipitating Jake’s murder by sending him out to Wren Lake Estates to burn down the model home.

Pfft. Insurance fraud, Mr Mayor? You used to cover up murders. What happened to you, dude? You used to be cool.

I think I’m going to go a little easy on Scream this week. Yes, Brooke mostly gets confined to her bedroom the whole episode. Which is no way to make me happy. But Emma and Audrey do important leg work on the Ghostface mystery. And that’s deserving of praise.

Still, with only three episodes to go (I hope I’m right about that this time), I don’t get the feeling of near-climax that a slasher should be giving me.


Why I hate this episode:

That’s probably because, a-fucking-gain, Scream makes its big death a boring minor character who we barely got to know. Lesbait gets a couple of points up on poor nobody Deputy because she’s actually had a few lines of dialogue, but we still really don’t know anything about her. She’s just an assembly line mean girl. These are the kind of stock characters that should be dying early on. Now we’re in the run-up to the finale, we need to start losing leads. Next week we simply must have the death of an important character. Preferably one of the Lakewood Six, but I’d be willing to settle for Zoe, New New Guy, New Sheriff, or even Maggie. My money’s on Mr Mayor, though. Which isn’t enough at this stage.

Unless Scream is setting the stage for a breathtaking main cast bloodbath in the finale. But, given last season’s pathetic track record with that, I’m not holding my breath.

Scream continues to chuck in other horror movie clichès that the film series didn’t rely on. This episode (aptly titled “The Orphanage”) gives us the creepy orphanage clichè. But not only that, but the orphanage used to be, dun dun dun… an insane asylum. That was shut down scandalously. Because of course. Fucking of course.

Zoe and Noah’s sex really is not nice to watch. Ew.

I can’t believe Scream omitted the confrontation between Audrey and Emma about the Piper truth. We’ve had to listen to Audrey, and later, Noah, whine about how much of a big deal that is all bloody season. And then we just jump in after the fact. What the hell?

Oh, and everyone seems to think that New Hot Teacher’s injury at the school was from an accidental fall down the stairs. Really, people? You live in Murderville. Figure it out.


But it’s not all bad:

The orphanage backstory is hokey as fuck, but I’ve got to give kudos to Emma and Kieran for running down that lead. Ghostface gives them the tape from New Hot Teacher’s stash, which not only shows that New Hot Teacher is a conversation-recording weirdo, but also includes a tidbit about New Hot Teacher “needing” Emma. So they go to see her at the hospital, where she pulls out the ol’ “scream upon waking from a coma-like state.”

But the trail is not cold, as the duo then intercept a delivery of flowers to New Hot Teacher. Emma sees that they’re daisies, so follows through on that unlikely coincidence, and the card denotes that they’re for New Hot Teacher, from Piper.

But New Hot Teacher is knocked out again and they can’t go back in, so end of story, right? No. Kieran straight-up sneaks in and steals her house keys. So he and Emma then break into New Hot Teacher’s house and find a class photo of New Hot Teacher and Piper together at the orphanage as children. Time’s running out, guys. So I’m glad you’re being proactive. Thank you.

Audrey’s not sitting on her hands either. Rather than mope over the excommunication from Emma, she turns her misery into motivation to find out how Emma got a recording of her. She makes sure not to let Noah off the hook for recording her in the first place (he claims it was accidental), and then she efficiently shits all over Zoe by proving she emailed the file to herself. And that the email Emma received it from is registered to Zoe (which Zoe is supposedly surprised to hear). Gettin’ things done.

Audrey and Emma make up at the orphanage party in their united effort to prevent their loved ones from getting murdered (Ghostface taunted them). Nobody worth caring about dies, but they do find Piper’s dead body propped up in a chair upstairs. So they’re now convinced Ghostface, whoever they are, wants revenge on them for killing Piper. It’s as solid a theory as any.

Lesbait, naturally, avoids any gendered pronouns when referring to her lover who she helped to throw the orphanage party. When they have their clandestine meeting, she goes to get on her knees. But hey, girls can like that, too. Wouldn’t have minded a chase scene, though.

New New Guy is keeping his suspect status alive. He creepily steals Brooke’s lipstick when she’s out of the room. And that “watching his friend die while drawing it and likely not calling an ambulance within a reasonable time” thing isn’t helping his case for innocence. Cool.

Brooke barely gets a chance to breathe this episode, but she makes it count when she tears her dad to shreds over Jake’s death. If nobody was out at Wren Lake Estates, I don’t know why Mr Mayor just didn’t save himself the $10,000 and burn the model home down, himself. But eh.

Oh, and Brooke and New New Guy make a much sexier-in-bed couple than Zoe and Noah.

Scream The Orphanage Brooke New New Guy in bed

Brooke likes ’em young, dumb, and full of stilted line deliveries.

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About ijusthateeverything

Sincerity is death.

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