Pretty Little Liars Season 7 Episode 5 – TV Review

PLL Along Come Mary Jenna Sara boobs

Sara’s what we call “predatory gay.”

We finally found Sara.

But don’t you wish that we hadn’t?

TL;DR Sara is now doing shady, vague shit with Jenna and Noel Kahn; Alison is out of hospital and stuck in her house with Mary, who protests innocence; Emily is targeted by a momentarily benevolent AD; Ezra’s back to gum up proceedings with romantic bullshit.

The only thing tackier than fucking your teacher is marrying your teacher.

I can’t say anything valuable happens this episode, but I also can’t say nothing happens this episode, so:

Alison is, depressingly, given the most play this episode as she moves out of the hospital, but is only allowed to do so if Mary lives with her. She takes the chance to grill Mary, who claims she was only out for money, and was manipulated by Doctor Dude into doing much eviller stuff than expected. And then Alison finds out all her money is gone. But it totes wasn’t Mary, you guys.

Emily, also depressingly, comes in second, as she continues to stumble along her predictable romantic thread with Sabrina. AD also gifts her a high result for an exam she missed, which is nice for a change. And Emily observes an “I’m back, bitches” Sara palling around with Jenna (they are joined by Noel in the stinger).

Aria assists Emily in some investigation of Doctor Dude’s secret apartment, wherein they find mask supplies. Which is something we already knew about, you dickheads. But Aria’s not one to let important, plot-relevant things get in the way of her “relationship” with Ezra. And neither is he, as he closes out his episode by proposing to her.

Spencer does nothing but whine about how she can’t talk to to Caleb. Bitch, you sent him away. And she awkwardly discovers that Marco, her Latin lover, is Toby’s boss.

And Hanna does… literally nothing, I think? I don’t remember.

With all that PTSD shit, less Hanna time is for the best right now. How sad.

Remember how last week I complained that Jenna’s return would be but the first in a conga line of forced, “connect every dot to every other dot” cast returns? Well, I was right.

Because I’m always right, you know.

 

Why I hate this episode:

It turns out the refreshing focus of last week wasn’t as fortunate, as this week we’re back to our Too Little Butter approach. Even with Spencer and Hanna effectively sitting the episode out, things still feel too stretched between Alison, Aria, and Emily. Fucking kill some of these characters, already. Need I again remind PLL that, in a show with a premise based on the death of a teenage girl, and with slasher-lite ambitions, we’ve actually had a main cast body count in the negative (because Alison came back to life, effectively)? Outrageous.

And having Alison get the most attention out of everyone? Never a good idea.

Mary’s sob story about how she only wanted her daughter’s money seems to directly dovetail with Alison’s discovery that all her money is gone. She goes after Mary about it for roughly five seconds, but all it takes for Alison to back off is a shitty little “wasn’t me.” Bitch, you know Doctor Dude is dead. She’s your suspect. Fuck.

AD caps off Alison’s time this episode by delivering her back the incriminating red coat, along with a note that reveals the Liars are the ones who threw her under the bus for Cece’s murder. Alison really hadn’t picked up on that, already? Huh.

I was not excited to see Ezra back, and things weren’t looking up when the ghost of Aussie Chick reared its useless head. Nobody cares about her, anymore. Shut up.

Not even Ezra, who proposes to Aria. I have hope that, because we didn’t get to see her answer, that Aria would do the sensible thing and say no. But expecting Aria to do something sensible is like expecting Aria to do something sensible.

I can’t even pretend to care about what stupid scheme Sara, Jenna, and Noel have cooking. I’m actually one of those people that desperately clings to my high school memories because my life after has been so garbage, but Jesus Christ, you guys. Let the poor Liars go.

Ashley again gets namedropped, and again doesn’t appear.

I audibly groaned when Noel appeared at the end. Ughhhhhh.

Oh, and Spencer spends her episode wringing her hands over Caleb. Shoosh.

 

But it’s not all bad:

Her one positive contribution to the episode is the run-in with Marco at the police station, who is the detective heading up the search for Doctor Dude. And Toby’s boss. I lol’d.

Speaking of Toby, he provides one of the juiciest moments of the episode, and the show oddly seems to ignore it. Emily and Aria go to a secret apartment that Doctor Dude had kept (which is where they find the mask stuff. Keep up). They had sent a text from Doctor Dude’s burner phone to a number on it to meet up, and they planned to see who turned up at the apartment. But then Toby suddenly appears, and of course plays the “I’m here on official police business” card. But, like, he could have been the very person you were luring, girls. Think about it.

The other genuinely juicy, if not entirely predictable, thing to happen is that someone matching Doctor Dude’s description apparently appeared on the other end of the fake train ride the Liars and Alison arranged as part of the murder coverup. That’s cool.

Sara’s finally back. And, despite some lesbian lechery, she’s not too offensive. Jenna and Noel pick up the slack on that front, though.

Aria doesn’t immediately say yes to Ezra’s proposal, so there’s that.

Snaps to AD for helping Emily out of a real jam with that missed exam. Thanks, babe.

Oh, and Mary seems to be convincing Alison that she’s not so bad. Maybe Jessica was indeed the evil twin?

PLL Along Comes Mary door

The woman is a saint. Clearly.

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About ijusthateeverything

Sincerity is death.

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