Pretty Little Liars Season 7 Episode 3 – TV Review
Did Pretty Little Liars watch an episode of Banshee and think “Yes, some of that?
TL;DR Cece and Doctor Dude were lovers or something; Emily still has a chance to get into Sabrina’s pants; Hanna’s unwarranted PTSD continues; Mary isn’t in this episode; the Liars are onto Doctor Dude.
But why Amish intrigue?
A Liar-by-Liar seems unnecessary given how little is happening, but here we are:
Hanna soaks up time with her shell shock bullshit, which thankfully also ropes in Aria, who pretends to be a concerned friend. Anything to get Aria away from Ezra and Liam and that black hole.
Aria, free from teacher-fucking scandal, does nothing. Which is nice.
Spencer leads the charge in putting the pieces together about Doctor Dude. She refuses to involve Toby because she discovers he’s engaged to Yvonne which is like ew. But she and the gang do figure out that Doctor Dude tricked Alison with a mask, and is dosing her with hallucinogens to keep her hospitalised.
Emily gets hired at Hotel Radley as a bartender and endures sitcom hijinks when Sabrina comes in and appears to be on a date. But Sabrina turns out to just be one of those lesbians who pals around and greets her exes with kisses, and she still wants Emily’s puss. So cha-ching, Emily.
And Alison is abducted by an unravelling Doctor Dude. But the Liars manage to catch up to them, and Hanna accidentally car crashes him to death.
Ain’t no Season 1 survivable car crashes this time. Hanna learned from her experience.
So with the Liars finally getting onto Doctor Dude’s, and by extension, Mary’s trail, the show decides to just off him immediately?
Because why would we want to give them the chance to actually get any answers, right?
We’ve got another seventeen episodes to squeeze out, after all.
Why I hate this episode:
Hanna’s PTSD, shell shock stuff is a pathetic plot weasel that’s only there to keep her down. PLL must have realised how sane and competent she was, and they couldn’t have that, now, could they? For fuck’s sake.
Spencer is already fumbling her chance to take Hanna’s place as the least retarded Liar. While she’s onto Doctor Dude, she completely implodes in her soap opera subplot with Caleb. He admits he kissed Hanna in the season finale, but still pledges himself to her. But Spencer picks up the Katherine Heigl Movie Character Ball and farts out this coveted I Just Hate Everything worst line: “I wanna be with somebody who thinks about me the first thing in the morning, and the last thing at night,” connoting that Caleb is not that person. So there you have it, dumb female audiences: if he’s not literally obsessed with you, toss him back and get back up on your pedestal to wait for Prince Charming-er to come along.
I don’t care about Emily and Sabrina. Why did we lose Paige, again? Is Lindsey Shaw really that booked out?
Where’s Ashley? Emily namedrops her when talking about the Hotel Radley job, but I need my Sydney Andrews, baby.
The mystery of the missing Jason is resolved poorly, and, like Ashley, without the actor actually showing up. Spencer just talks to him on the phone. Boo.
The Amish intrigue is so WTF, even by Pretty Little Liars standards. Doctor Dude’s credit card records show that he went to some Amish B&B (but not the B&B he went to with Alison. The man just has a B&B fetish, apparently), and Hanna and Aria’s investigation turns up a little girl who Cece used to play with, and who she gave dolls that resemble the Liars and Alison. The girl says Doctor Dude and Cece used to hook up there. Like, what? Did we need the Amish to tell us that? There was no less bizarre way to slip that in than using a little Amish girl with Liar dolls? Jesus.
Oh, and much of the episode is concerned with whether or not to jailbreak Alison so that Doctor Dude can’t keep torturing her or whatever. Spencer very accurately points out that hey, Alison is a murderer, so TFB, right? But, sadly, nobody agrees with her.
But it’s not all bad:
Hanna has fallen from grace. It’s up to you now, Spencer. You’re our only hope. And with Toby engaged to Yvonne, and Caleb not good enough, there is yet a glimmer of a chance that she’ll escape the boy swamp of soap opera garbage. Just kidding, this is PLL. But Spencer does put together the realisation that Doctor Dude likely constructed a mask to make Alison think she was seeing Wilden. And that Mary posed as Jessica.
Hanna isn’t entirely out of the game, though. She may be mired in PTSD Land, but she does fucking murder Doctor Dude when given the chance. And don’t pretend like it was an accident.
Aria’s sudden concern for Hanna (she’s come a long way from prioritising Ezra’s penis over helping save Hanna’s life) also saves us from having to weather Aria’s usual shit. Thanks again, Han.
The only thing worse than Emily getting together with Sabrina is Emily pining for Sabrina, so I’m grateful that’s over.
Emily goes behind Spencer’s back and involves Toby in the investigation, and he’s the one who proves Doctor Dude is using a fake name and stuff. She even crashes his engagement dinner to do it. Which I approve of, obviously.
Oh, and after being a slapstick, weird-out mess for the whole episode, PLL tries to sledgehammer us with a super dooper scary and shocking death scene for Doctor Dude. I lol’d.