Pretty Little Liars Season 7 Episode 2 – TV Review

PLL Bedlam Hanna red dress

Because Hanna can’t enjoy unemployment alone, now, can she?

Nothing important happens on the AD front.

Moving on.

TL;DR Hanna dumps Jordan and becomes a #singlelady; Aria goes through soap opera bullshit with Liam and Ezra; Spencer and Emily tread water; Mary Drake and Doctor Dude may not be the only ones who have it out for Alison.

Can we just seriously leave Alison to die or whatever and let the Liars move on with their lives? This whole time they’ve only ever been arbitrary collateral damage in Dilaurentis garbage. These poor girls.

So get ready for a lot of nothin’ in the Liar-by-Liar:

Hanna eats up plenty of screentime this episode with her apparent shell shock as a result of her kidnapping. But it’s exactly what she needed, as she dumps “Wait, who?” Jordan and takes up Lucas’ fashion business offer.

Aria and Ezra are caught canoodling by Liam, who has been reassigned to edit their book. Who cares?

Spencer realises Caleb will never be hers, and also gets fired from her political job or something.

Emily does literally nothing.

And Alison continues to be at the mercy of Doctor Dude at the psychiatric care facility. The episode ends as yet another shadowy figure fiddles with her IV bag.

Because at seven fucking seasons in, PLL is yet to grow tired of its favourite villainous disguise (behind a hoodie, of course): “being just out of frame.” Even Ghostface plays a better game than that, show.

You know, this is a total waste of a week. I’m just gonna motor through it as quickly as possible.

 

Why I hate this episode:

Aria. As always. Everything Aria.

Hanna’s mini breakdown may have yielded results (bye Cardboard Boyfriend, hello Lucas), but after everything the Liars have been through, I don’t think her one night stay in Chez Toolshed was really that traumatic. Woman up, Hanna. Sheesh.

She also plays the martyr card during her breakup speech, claiming that everything she touches is ruined, and she’s saving Jordan by letting him go. Fuck off.

There’s not enough Mary being unsubtle as hell this episode.

Where’s Sara?

Where’s my Ashley, for that matter? Or any of the adults?

Oh, and I’d complain about Emily being useless, but why bother?

 

But it’s not all bad:

Alison is yet to be rescued. That makes me happy.

Liam is appropriately disgusted when Aria is forced to reveal to him that she and Ezra began their relationship as student/teacher. Because Liam’s not insane.

We get a couple of very tiny little mystery teases. The most promising is that Jason is apparently missing again. Having eloped with Ashley, I presume.

When a drugged and distressed Alison sees Mary, she confuses her for Jessica, and makes mention of Doctor Dude not being anything like “Jessica” said. So Jessica introduced them?

Mary and Doctor Dude privately squabble. She’s mad at him for going overboard in torturing Alison, while he’s mad at her for interfering. And they’re both on edge because they haven’t got their money yet or something. Cool.

Mary reveals more about her child-murdering past: when she and Jessica were fourteen, they babysat a baby together. Jessica told Mary she’d put the sleeping baby to bed and then went out with a boy, but when the parents got home, the baby was dead. Nobody believed Mary’s word, so she was sent to Radley. It’s a shame Jessica’s dead. A middle-aged Andrea Parker twin catfight would be fabulous.

Spencer’s realisation about Caleb always being drawn back to Hanna will hopefully set her on a path to a more available penis. But please, not Toby’s.

Oh, and Lucas may have out-businessman-ed Jordan, but can he out-hack Caleb to win Hanna’s affections?

PLL Bedlam Lucas

She should have shacked up with Ella’s husband-to-be when she had the chance.

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About ijusthateeverything

Sincerity is death.

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