The Vampire Diaries Season 7 Episode 22 – TV Review
I’m in two minds about this episode.
For one, it’s the finale, so we can finally say goodbye to this fuck-awful season and live in the glorious bubble of hope that next season will be so much better. Remember how much better Season 6 was after the abysmal ending of Season 5?
But on the other hand, this episode is a huge pile of vomit that is an embarrassment to the stellar (save for Season 5, you know) legacy of TVD finales.
Let’s just do this and then get the fuck outta here.
TL;DR TVD chooses to drag the vault mystery into next season, eschewing a final boss battle in favour of dull drama; Caroline faces the reality that she loves Stefan, not Alaric; Damon convinces Stefan to let him make his own stupid decisions, and not to constantly save him; Damon does save Bonnie, and, by extension, Enzo; Matt looks like he’s leaving the show for good.
I’ll believe that when I goddamn see it. #TokenPunyHuman
So it’s all hands on deck as the gang need to get back into The Armory to destroy the everlasting shaman body in order to stop Bonnie’s hunter compulsions (they also just hand-wave away the fact that it somehow won’t also kill her. Because what established logic?). Bonnie, with Matt still unwillingly along for the ride, almost catches up to Stefan and Caroline, but Matt makes them crash into a ditch. Enzo pragmatically decides to bait Bonnie so Stefan, Caroline, and Damon can work on getting into The Armory. And they do, thanks to the siphoning abilities of Caroline and Alaric’s children. Giving Hope a run for her Deus Ex Machina money, I see. Once in, Damon insists he go into the vault alone to find the everlasting shaman, giving Stefan a big spiel about how he needs to stop hurting himself to save him. And to go get in Caroline’s pants, goddammit. Alaric gives Caroline a similar speech. Damon destroys the everlasting’s body just in time to stop Bonnie from murdering Enzo. But then he hears Elena’s voice coming from the vault, and even though he knows it’s a trick, he goes back in, anyway. Enzo goes in to find him (only Armory employees can access it), and Damon is possessed and evil or something, and a bony set of hands whisks Enzo away to do the same to him. In the epilogue, it turns out our heroes, months later, are yet to find Damon and Enzo (they escaped through some other exit in the vault. Of course), but reports of dozens of missing people seem to be the ticket. And they are, as we are treated to a shot of their hilarious slaughter warehouse. Oh, and Matt, having had a vision of Penny and an epiphany while he almost bled to death in the wrecked car Bonnie abandoned him in, packs up his stuff to leave all this vampire bullshit behind him.
Please let it stick. Pretty, pretty please.
Season 7 is finished. Praise be to whatever deity you hold dear. It’s over.
I’ll make this quick.
Why I hate this episode:
TVD was either going to rush through the Giant Space Flea From Nowhere in the vault this episode, or it was going to prolong its mystery into next season. While rushing it would have been inevitably garbage, at least it wouldn’t be lingering to taint the next season. And that’s what we got. Woo hoo.
So without a final boss battle, the episode is instead slavishly devoted to forced talkie drama between the characters. The worst of which is the humming and harring about calling in Alaric’s daughters to siphon away Bonnie’s magic seal on The Armory. Ginger Spice is unreachable, so they’re the only option. Didn’t TVD learn anything about how bad it was to have Hope around on The Originals. The kids aren’t in danger on a CW show. They just won’t do it. So Alaric and Caroline’s reservations about putting them in harm’s way are redundant. They aren’t in any danger, because this show is too toothless to hurt them.
The scene of them siphoning the spell out of the door is so silly. Kids are bad. No more.
Damon’s big spiel to Stefan is supposed to be this soaring swirl of emotion, but after seven seasons, I don’t believe this kind of talk, anymore. Stefan will definitely go back to putting his life on hold to save Damon. Because they’re the two leads of the show and they have to.
It’s also a pale comparison to the kind of epic brotherly tug-of-war between Klaus and Elijah. Which The Originals pulls off much better.
The episode didn’t even have the guts to kill Enzo. Bonnie has him injured and pinned, but wastes an ungodly amount of time. Which gives Damon enough room to go light up that everlasting’s body.
Also, what happened to Alex? Unless she was in the random pile of bodies and I just didn’t recognise her? Because someone had to bring the everlasting’s body down into the vault. Oh, God. They’re not bringing her back for next season, too, as Damon and Enzo’s accomplice or something? Fuck.
Why didn’t the Giant Space Flea show Yvette the secret way out of the vault?
When Matt swerves the car off the road and crashes, we see there are plenty of other cars that witness it (they have to dodge a couple). But it appears he was sitting in that car for hours and hours before emergency services arrived. Why didn’t anyone call 911 sooner?
Why didn’t Bonnie call 911? She just left him there to nearly die.
Penny came back for a hallucination to tell Matt it’s not his time blah blah yawn. His exodus better be for real.
Li’l Sis tells Enzo what the Giant Space Flea is, but he won’t divulge it when Damon asks because it’s just too horrible. Boo.
Oh, and I still find myself incredulous that Enzo just waves away Caroline’s very valid objection that destroying the everlasting’s body would also logically kill Bonnie. Enzo just says that the shaman he tortured told him otherwise. So disrespectful, TVD.
But it’s not all bad:
At least Caroline made the objection.
Caroline is the big winner of the episode. She gets her Steffie Weffie back, and it’s with Alaric’s (disappointed, though) blessing. It looks like Damon is never going to jump Bonnie’s puss, so it’s up to Stefan and Caroline to fly the Official Couple flag in Elena’s absence. Good luck, you two.
She will also presumably be free of those kids, too. I can’t imagine Alaric would be cool with Uncle Stefan moving into their house. A hot boyfriend who isn’t your teacher, and no more siphon babies that could accidentally suck the vampire life out of you? Buy a lottery ticket, girl. It’s your time.
Bonnie, saved from killing Enzo, tells Damon that she now truly forgives him. Aww.
Bonnie’s magic doesn’t return, so the gang is now witch-less. Oh, well. I suppose Ginger Spice was the most tolerable of the Heretics. She can come back.
Oh, and we still don’t know a lot about the Giant Space Flea, but we do see its bony little fingers. So it has at least some physical form. It’s progress.