Once Upon a Time Season 5 Episode 21 – TV Review
Those tears are not from me. I’ve already used all of mine up.
No, those tears are from Regina and Zelena for some very dead, and very wasted, men.
TL;DR Hades perma-kills Robin during some big scheme to rule Storybrooke (who would want that?); Zelena perma-kills Hades, choosing Regina over him; Hook and a now-dead Arthur bring hope to the Underworld, so Hook is brought back to life; Regina always loses, Emma always wins.
So it has been, and forever will be.
So Hades is out of the Underworld, and ready to start building his empire. I’m not sure shitty little Storybrooke counts as one, but he seems to think so. Zelena keeps pounding down those gullibility pills, and refuses to believe Regina’s warnings that Hades might be up to no good. Thus, Regina and Robin have to find a way to rescue Baby Rapesly from a magic-protected fortress where Hades, along with Zelena, are holed up while Hades prepares some Olympian crystal weapon thing. Meanwhile, everyone coddles Emma because of her loss of Hook. She’s doggedly on Hades’ case, though. A lucky break comes when Arthur, killed by Hades to incite conflict between Zelena and the Storybrooke-ians, ends up teaming with Hook in the Underworld to find those pages of the storybook with Hades’ weakness. They do, Hook replaces them in the Once Upon a Time storybook, Emma reads it on her end, and now they know how to kill a god: the Olympian crystal, which has the power to kill anyone, soul and all. Sadly, Regina and Robin are caught in their Rapesly liberation scheme, and Zeus tries to use the crystal on Regina. Robin takes the hit, instead, and is gone for good. Zelena finally (fucking finally) realises Hades is a turd, and kills her man with the crystal, too. Hook is brought to Olympus by Zeus, leaving a newly-virtuous Arthur behind to help the Underworld dwellers with their unfinished business, and as thanks for stopping Hades, Zeus returns Hook to life in Storybrooke. This occurs at the same time Regina is burying her man’s lifeless body. She does finally decide a real name for Rapesly, though: Robin. Ew? Oh, and Gold sniffs around this episode offering Hades his services in exchange for a piece of the Olympian crystal. I assume he needs it because Belle’s dad refuses to wake his daughter, as he would rather Belle be asleep than live with Gold. Rude. Hades refuses, obviously, but once the Lord of the Underworld is burnt to ash, Gold finds a little piece of the crystal in his dust pile, anyway.
So he can jolt Belle back to life? Kinky.
All in all, it isn’t a bad episode of Once Upon a Time. Its only real crimes are that Hades’ plot is snuffed out way too quickly. And, of course, the Emma-pandering from the writers.
But I just can’t really bring myself to care about OUaT, anymore. Regina was the last one on my list, but her pathetic sisterhood with Zelena is really bringing her down.
I could barely muster a shrug of indifference over Robin’s death. I only hope it spurs Regina back to villainy. Regina’s redemption arc has been strong, but the show as a whole was stronger when she was a legitimate villain.
Characterisation is so loose on this show, anyway, that I doubt anyone would mind.
Why I hate this episode:
That Emma-pandering. If I were Regina, I’d fucking flip over Hook’s arbitrary return to life coinciding with Robin’s arbitrary death. She better.
Naming the baby Robin is pretty yucky, too. Not even Robin Jr? Girls can be Jr, right? #smashthepatriarchy
With two episodes left, and Hades easily wiped out, I guess we’ll have to suffer another turn of evil from Gold. That well is dry, people.
Cruella did exactly what I said she would with the unfinished businesses Henry wrote out: she stole them. Like, duh, Henry.
Will Arthur replace Cruella as the mayor of Underbrooke? That’s not nice.
The souls in the River of Souls attack Arthur and Hook during their quest. Even the characters remark about how they didn’t know they could do that, but then wave it away with some bullshit about how things are different now Hades is gone. Just rub our faces in that inconsistency, baby. We love it.
Zeus is some scrawny little shrimp. They couldn’t have cast him big and burly like the Disney cartoon? Way to be off-brand.
Merida pops up unnecessarily.
Zelena takes so fucking long to figure out that Hades, Lord of the Underworld and True Love to the Wicked Witch, is maybe not a good guy. I’m honestly surprised she actually killed him.
Oh, and it’s come to my attention that, for all my harping on Zelena for being a rapist, I forgot that Regina used to bang Graham by manipulating his heart. So boo on me for my hypocrisy, I suppose. Damn it. I really enjoyed taking those digs at Zelena. I’ll miss them.
But it’s not all bad:
With Robin dead, the bridge with Regina mended, and her True Love evaporated, can we be rid of Zelena for good, maybe? Just take Baby Robin back to Oz and fuck off forever? Please?
The best part about Robin’s death is that Regina gets to look absolutely fabulous in her funeral attire. Here’s to more character deaths resulting in funerals.
Robin’s sacrifice to save Regina is appreciated. Because Hades totally was going to hit her with the lightning bolt from the crystal. Hades’ plan was to make all the heroes think he was a bad guy and come after him, so he could dispatch them with Zelena’s blessing. Because she loves and trusts him. And he would have gotten away with it, too, if it weren’t for Zelena’s meddling brain cells. Who could have known those would be there?
Cruella’s short time as mayor of Underbrooke may be over, but she doesn’t miss a beat when Arthur shows up, leering at him over a martini. Now why couldn’t Zeus have brought her back to life?
Papa Belle is hilariously cruel towards both Gold, and his daughter, with his refusal to wake her. And it’s not like Gold can kill him, because then nobody would be able to wake Belle up. And I assume he couldn’t manipulate him by tearing his heart out or anything like that, because then the True Love’s Kiss would be tainted and untrue. I wonder how much use that murder crystal will be?
Emma initially goes to Gold for help finding a way to kill Hades, but he turns her down. It was a practical idea.
Oh, and Hades looks pretty cool wielding that Olympian crystal. Did Greg Germann originally audition for Zeus?