Once Upon a Time Season 5 Episode 16 – TV Review

OUaT Our Decay Zelena brain

If it was on the same network, I’m sure the OUaT writers would make it happen.

The worst has happened. Zelena is not confined only to flashbacks: she’s back in real time, as well.

So we ditched Maleficent this season, but Zelena gets to come back again for her rape baby?

For fuck’s sake.

TL;DR Hades tries warping in Li’l Baby Rapesly, but Zelena and Belle get sucked in, too; Hades wants Rapesly for a time travel spell; which is what flashback Zelena was working on; Henry’s Author powers are wanky and melodramatic; Belle struggles to accept Gold as he is.

Because marriage vows don’t include anything about there being bad times, right?

Well, it was a short reprieve, and now Zelena is back. She randomly shows up in Storybrooke to see Baby Rapesly, which coincides with Gold, at Hades’ demand, opening a portal to suck it in. Belle, also visiting Rapesly (and Baby Neal) gets pulled through, too, and Zelena follows after. Once in the Underworld, Belle legs it with Rapesly and runs into Gold. Interestingly, Gold immediately confesses his second child contract (and her pregnancy), and his return to being the Dark One, and Belle gets all moral and tries to fuck him off. Meanwhile, Zelena, depowered in the Underworld, goes to the gang for help finding Rapesly, and Robin and Regina reluctantly accompany her. They eventually meet up with Belle, and Zelena promptly steals Rapesly, but later realises she can’t protect her from Hades and his designs to use Rapesly in a time travel spell, and gives her back to Robin to hide. Meanwhile, Snow and David use an Underworld phone booth to “haunt” a message of love to Baby Neal, which Henry’s Author powers document, giving Snow renewed resolve to defeat the H-Man and get back to her baby. And in flashbacks to Oz, Zelena encounters a flirtatious Hades while trying to steal the Scarecrow’s brain for the time travel spell, who is under the protection of a returned Dorothy (this is post Wizard of Oz stuff). Hades lays on the charm pretty thick, but Zelena realises he’s untrue and turfs him out. But the years of loneliness may have changed her mind, as she appears to be falling for him again in the present to close out the episode.

Why steal Rapesly when they can just bang together a new baby?

God, I’m so disappointed that Zelena’s back. I’m really fucking sick to death of her.

And I’m holding onto the rape thing forever. I won’t let it go. I can’t care about a woman’s love for the baby she raped out of a dude.

I’d tell her to get fucked, but she might take that as a command to rape again.

 

Why I hate this episode:

Robin mentions that he is yet to name their baby. Umm, dude, I already got that one for you. It’s Rapesly. Haven’t you been listening?

Zelena’s theft of Rapesly once they’ve reunited with her and Belle in the Underworld is so fucking obvious. She’s all like “I just wanna feed her,” and Robin allows it. So she instantly scrams once she notices she’s got a little bit of magic left after all. Duh.

To confound this stupidity, and the arbitrary magic, Zelena then notices a little owie on Rapesly’s face from the magic blast she used to escape our heroes. She absolutely falls to fucking pieces over it, and it’s what spurs her into relinquishing Rapesly back to Robin. Get the fuck over it. Jesus. Jane the Virgin did it this season, too. Shut up.

I can’t believe Zelena’s falling for Hades’ efforts to woo her again in the Underworld. He tried to abduct your baby a couple of hours ago, bitch. He’s no good.

Rapesly’s, and therefore Zelena’s, inclusion in the plot is a bit of a reach. The time travel spell requires a symbol of innocence, so a baby would work. But it didn’t have to be Zelena’s baby. What about Baby Neal? That wouldn’t have required Zelena’s return. Or literally anything else that could be a symbol of innocence? Stupid.

Henry only writes storybook pages in his sleep or something, and the most useful thing he comes up with this episode is the confirmation that Baby Neal received Snow and David’s haunting. Who cares? Where’s the James episode, already?

Oh, and Scarecrow is a gut-churning CGI monster, and for seemingly no reason. Zelena does end up pulling his brain from his head, but they could have done that using a human actor and a discretion shot. What a waste of budget, OUaT.

 

But it’s not all bad:

Zelena totally rips Scarecrow’s brain out of his head. Right in front of Dorothy. Her victory boast to Dorothy is a delightful follow-up. Zelena lets Dorothy live so she can go and tell everyone that she failed. Cool.

And it looks like spending more time in flashbacks to Oz is inevitable, so for the sake of trying to have a good time, I’ll say that I’m interested in what changed Dorothy from a little girl into a mouthy heroine. Zelena herself notes that she’s surprised by her backtalk. And whatever happened to those other witches?

Is it too much to hope that Hades will eventually get his hands on Rapesly and sacrifice her for the time travel spell? Because that would take away Zelena’s only reason to stick around.

Zelena’s motivation for doing the time travel spell is so she can go back and take Regina’s place as the child their mother chose to keep. Hades’ motivation is to trade his life of banishment to the Underworld with his brother, Zeus. Let’s meet Zeus, baby.

Zelena and Hades’ romance is horribly forced, but Zelena does pick up the episode’s best line when Hades takes her for a ride on Dorothy’s bicycle, which is a strange contraption to her: “It’s like a broom with wheels!” I got a chuckle out of it.

The Blind Witch exchanged info on the haunting booth for a vial of David’s breath, which is supposed to be valuable. I’m putting that down as a Chekhov’s Gun.

Gold makes a good point to Belle when she tries to take the moral high ground on his return to being the Dark One and his second child contract, that, having been with him this long, she knows that he’s not a perfect pretty flower. And she can take her unhappy, moral high ground life, or she can make the choice to be happy with him, warts and all. Exactly.

Toto is cute.

Upon seeing Zelena in the Underworld, Regina excitedly assumes someone killed her.

Oh, and Emma is unnecessary this episode. Let’s keep that up, shall we?

OUaT Our Decay Emma

So Henry’s a talented writer, after all.

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About ijusthateeverything

Sincerity is death.

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