The Vampire Diaries Season 7 Episode 8 – TV Review

TVD Hold Me, Thrill Me, Kiss Me Julian Sporty Baby Spice

Who knew that centuries’ old monogamist lesbians wouldn’t want their father figure’s penis in their bed, right?

It’s funny. As The Originals rises, The Vampire Diaries falls, and vice versa.

Season 5 of TVD was bland (after we lost Katherine, anyway), while season 1 of The Originals was a burst of fresh blood.

Season 6 of TVD gave us the holy, eternal Kai, while season 2 of The Originals stuck us with a no-stakes plot against the goddamn baby.

And now, as The Originals throws off the shackles of baby oppression and gets back to vampire business, so TVD sinks into mediocrity as every character somehow forgets how easy it is to stake or tear out a heart.

Let’s hope that mystery female assailant from the flash forwards turns out to be Katherine.

TL;DR So much time is spent on humming and harring over killing Julian/protecting Lily, and Julian ends up alive and Lily ends up dead; Stefan and Caroline face little conflict over her magical pregnancy; the human cattle subplot dries up faster than my gin supply; Enzo and Matt somehow snag the juiciest bits; with Lily dead, I hope that the rest of the Spice Girls will be quick to follow.

There’s nobody to impress anymore. Slay away, team.

So Lily’s plan to get rid of Julian requires a logical first step: unlink her from him. For no adequate explanation, Lily decides she needs all the Spice Girls on board to do whatever spell is necessary. So she and Ginger petition their Heretic family, and they all agree to the plan. Damon and Stefan get Julian in chains and prepare to slay him, but twist, Sporty Spice betrays her family, including Baby Spice, who had earlier accepted a marriage proposal from Sporty Spice (it’s their anniversary), and frees Julian. Damon and Ginger end up in chains at his hands, and he forces Lily to choose which one to stake. Lily chooses herself in an attempt to take Julian with her, but double twist, Sporty Spice had earlier performed the unlinking spell by herself (hilariously, Julian had realised his recklessness with Lily’s life last episode and unlinked to protect her), and Lily dies futilely. Baby Spice does dump the fuck out of Sporty Spice, though. So that was nice. Meanwhile, the human cattle subplot gets burned out when Julian reveals he was indeed the one hoarding them, and he uses them as guests/refreshments at Sporty and Baby Spice’s anniversary party. Who cares? Meanwhile, Enzo locks lips with Lily, but ends up rejected. His troubles are compounded when Matt arranges his abduction by some unknown group who have an interest in him. Meanwhile, Stefan comes to terms with the fact that Caroline will soon be coming to term. And the flash forward shows Damon being tortured by the mystery assailant. He’s been infected with werewolf venom, so momentarily hallucinates his attacker as Lily, but it isn’t.

But it’s still a woman. So no luck on Kai having put his head back on his shoulders and returned to us. Damn.

I’m sure I’ve said this several times so far this season, but our heroes really need to just fucking murder all the Heretics.

Stefan’s attempts to impress/build a relationship with Lily was the only moral tether holding them back. She’s gone, now. Just bust out the stakes and have at it.

Maybe keep Ginger, though. Damon is still yet to ask her to siphon the Sleeping Beauty spell out of Elena.

 

Why I hate this episode:

The logic of the scheme in this episode is flawed from the beginning. Ever since magic siphon witches were introduced with Kai last season, any spell is now easily flawed. Why Stefan, Damon, and Lily didn’t just ask Ginger to siphon out the linking spell is ridiculous.

To compound this lack of brain power is Lily’s insistence that all her family be on board for the unlinking spell they plan to use. I suppose she wanted to make sure she had their support, but lives are at stake here, bitch. Julian’s got Phoenix Stone Madness, and he’s already pancaked Ginger’s baby. Just get it done.

To add insult to injury, there is no practical reason for Lily to insist all the Spice Girls come together. Sporty Spice does the unlinking spell on her own. So fuck that entire scheme, which sadly means we need to fuck this entire episode.

Further WTF moments during the scheme include Baby Spice’s incomplete reaction to Sporty’s betrayal. She calls off the engagement and hands back the ring, but doesn’t think to run up and save Lily and Ginger (and, because he’s there, Damon) from Julian. Dumbass.

Also, where was Stefan this whole time? I think gabbing on the phone to Caroline can wait while you have Julian’s execution to handle. For fuck’s sake.

I’d throw a demerit point Scary Spice’s way, but I care about him as much as the show seems to. The one thing we learn about him this episode is that he was apparently a singer back in the day. Julian has the DJ at the anniversary party play a song with his vocals. Which means he must have recorded the song professionally a couple hundred years ago for a DJ in 2015 to be able to play it. What?

Baby Spice accepts Sporty’s proposal without even a millisecond of hesitation. Weren’t they fighting just a couple of episodes ago?

It frustrates me that this season tried to build up Lily’s desire to have a relationship with her sons. One of the more powerful aspects of her character last season was that she was a heartless crone who DGAF about the kids she abandoned. It’s bad parenting, but it was noteworthy. Way to erode her, TVD.

Oh, and Julian was keeping the human cattle just for one party?

 

But it’s not all bad:

I suspect that won’t be the end of it. But the episode doesn’t show that, so that’s just me placing my faith in TVD. Oh, dear.

Like I said, the best bits of the episode involve Enzo and Matt. Matt finds Enzo feeding on a random woman and drinking his sorrows after pashing, and then getting turned down by, Lily. They briefly and soulfully bond over their shared lack of belonging. But then Enzo is promptly vervained and abducted by some random vigilantes.

Things get better when Matt later reveals himself as the orchestrator of Enzo’s abduction. Matt says he found some people who “wanted him after all.” Is Augustine returning?

Sporty and Baby’s proposal was treacly and hard to swallow considering their recent strife, but it came wonderfully tumbling down after Sporty’s betrayal. Sporty’s horror at Baby’s rejection is delicious.

In Julian’s defence, he actually wasn’t a dick this episode. He was super supportive of the lesbians’ anniversary, and he even gave Sporty one of his extra fancy rings to use for her proposal. And he has Sporty perform the unlinking spell to protect Lily. So his despair at her death caused by his ultimatum rang true.

Damon is a cunt to the end with Lily. He is allowed her final moments to address her, and he is viciously remorseless in not budging an inch with her. She pales out to death seconds later. Damn, dude. That’s cold. And I love it.

Stefan says “I love you” to Caroline. Aww.

And Stefan and Lily at least get to have some mother/son bonding time before the end. I told you Lily was turning out to be the emotional centre of the arc.

TVD Hold Me, Thrill Me, Kiss Me Stefan Lily mother son talk

Stefan will have to step up to the plate. You know, to honour her memory.

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About ijusthateeverything

Sincerity is death.

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