Scream Queens Season 1 Episode 9 – TV Review

Scream Queens Ghost Stories Niecy Nash toilet

Hardly newsworthy.

Scream Queens: one week it’s in the rancid scum bucket, the next week it’s slightly out.

And now we’re back in, again.

It’s like a rollercoaster. You know, the Tooth Chipper?

TL;DR Nick comes out of hiding by successfully pretending to everyone that he’s a ghost; he is then killed by his accomplice (not Nasim. The other one); Niecy and the Chanels tell pointless ghost stories in an effort to justify the title of the episode (“Ghost Stories”); Lea pretends to be pregnant to make Chad dump Chanel; Chanel murders Lea.

Now we have two cold-blooded killers in our victim pool. I think the only character I’d feel anything for if they were to die at this point is Number 5. And only because, in all her inconsistent whingeing, she’s the only one who actually wants to leave the school. And, I assume, the show. Poor Abigail.

So it’s getting late in the season, and it’s time for Scream Queens to make good on hyping Nick Jonas as being a part of this thing, so he comes back to campus because he’s bored. Number 3 spots him, but he manages to convince her he’s a ghost so he can hang out and stuff. Chad falls for it, too. In fact, everyone except Keke and Grace do. Keke’s skepticism puts a hole in Nick’s grand plan of having sex with her (it turns out he was faking his homosexuality. Which was the only interesting thing about him), and the setback makes Nick angry enough to coerce his accomplice into joining him in murdering Nasim, whose commandeering of their nebulous revenge scheme hasn’t been appreciated. Except Red Devil 2 just kills Nick, instead. Okay, then. Meanwhile, Niecy forces round after round of ghost stories on the Chanels because they help take her mind off being scared. Number 5 gets fed up and tries to leave campus, but is attacked by a Red Devil in her back seat (just like in the ghost story! Omg, connection!), and figures driving back to Kappa is better than just continuing on down the road to safety. Meanwhile, Chanel’s concern over the imminent closure of the campus is waylaid by her anticipation of Thanksgiving at the Radwell house. Lea poops on her parade when she reveals herself to be pregnant, which forces Chad to dump Chanel and pledge himself to Lea. Because Chad has been built up as a respectable guy, you know? So Chanel promptly murders Lea.

After first proving Lea’s not pregnant, of course. She’s not a monster.

I’ve passed the point where I even care that Scream Queens is bad, anymore. Now, I only want it to end.

There’s no tension. Instead of fleeing from Kappa when the Red Devil attacks Niecy, the girls just hang out and hope telling ghost stories will make them less scared.

If Scream Queens just wanted an excuse to use cutaway gags, surely there must have been some way that was less retarded than this.

 

Why I hate this episode:

The cutaways are cute enough to be funny, but I’m sick of all of these characters not doing anything about the killer/s bearing down on them. It’s insulting. How fucking enormous is the Kappa house that Niecy didn’t just run straight down the stairs and out the door the second she was attacked?

And I’m sick to fucking death of the killer/s just taking their leave as soon as a victim gets mildly out of sight. Again, how enormous is Kappa house? We see a shot of the Red Devil following Niecy, but then they just vanish. Offscreen teleportation and fake-outs are not rare to the slasher genre, but when all your potential victims are stranded together in one location, it’s courtesy to at least follow-up the failed attempt with a successful one.

Instead, our victim death this episode gets dumped on Earl Grey, Keke’s racially appropriate romantic partner. Earl Grey feels like he should be a step up on the arbitrary, nothing victims of past episodes. But Earl Grey, outside of being black, has had no development. We don’t know anything about him. He’s as throwaway as the twins. And this is episode fucking 9. Kill someone who matters, already.

Nick also dies. But again, we’ve barely seen him. And now that his homosexuality is revealed to have been false, we know absolutely nothing about him, either.

Considering Scream Queens seems to be targeting the gay audience pretty hard, it’s frustrating that they made the sexy Nick Jonas not actually gay after all. Why?

Chanel’s killing of Lea is a rare moment of excitement, but now Chanel is a confirmed murderer. And it wasn’t out of necessity. It’s not like she was killing someone who was attacking her. She pushed her love rival down the stairs out of pettiness. Just like with Jamie Lee, we’ll now have no emotional stake in any future attack on Chanel. Because she’s fucking murdered somebody. For fuck’s sake.

Unless, of course, Lea didn’t die. But that still wouldn’t change the fact that Chanel intended to kill her (and assumed she’d succeeded).

The Joaquin Phoenix joke had me wincing. Was this script written in 2009? Goddamn.

The killer in the back seat isn’t a ghost story. It’s an urban legend. Get it right.

The opening credits are absent again. That makes it only one in nine now. That ratio gets more embarrassing every episode.

Earl Grey’s death does not include a chase scene.

Nick’s death does not include a chase scene.

Lea’s death does not include a chase scene.

Oh, and that useless detective in charge of the case reveals he’s been operating under the impression that the killer is a ghost. He hires a paranormal investigator to help out. This is supposed to be funny.

 

But it’s not all bad:

I’m still crossing my fingers that there will be a second killer (or more) that is unrelated to Nick and Nasim’s operation. I’m picturing an awkward bumping into each other scene as they finally corner the final victim/s.

I don’t expect poor Number 5 to be one of the final victims, though. She’s way too rational at this point. While everyone is leaving campus because it’s being evacuated, 5 actually gets her shit packed and sets out this episode after the killer comes calling again. She gets the best line of the episode, and echoes the audience’s sentiments simultaneously: “Why are we still here!?” I ask myself the same thing every week.

Pete and Oliver aren’t in this episode, so we don’t have to pretend that we care about them. And neither does the show. Because it clearly doesn’t.

Jamie Lee finally gets fed up with the detective and denounces him.

Niecy is sassy and black, which is still intermittently funny.

Nick’s early phone conversation with his accomplice implies that the accomplice is close with Keke. Could it be Grace after all?

Oh, and Nick looks like garbage in the Red Devil costume without the mask. I won’t miss him.

Scream Queens Ghost Stories Nick Jonas Red Devil costume

It’s not a flattering neckline.

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About ijusthateeverything

Sincerity is death.

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