The Vampire Diaries Season 7 Episode 7 – TV Review

TVD Mommie Dearest Scary Spice staked

Just kidding. We can’t kill the sympathetic black man until we get to hear his sob story, now, can we? But that would require him to talk…

No, instead of killing Scary Spice, or getting his obligatorily tragic backstory, we get Lily’s obligatorily tragic backstory.

About how Giuseppe Salvatore, her husband, and father to Damon and Stefan, was a turd.

Which we already knew.

But Lily desperately needed those Abused Wife points, huh?

TL;DR Damon and Stefan torture/lecture Lily into realising Julian is an abusive dickhead; Caroline’s pregnancy is confirmed; the gang finds even more people compelled into stasis around Mystic Falls; Enzo almost kills Julian, and in doing so, almost kills Lily.

God, a two for one special would have been sweet.

We’ll knock the flash forward out of the way first, as all it entails is Damon and Alaric falling into an obvious trap when going to rescue Caroline from her TV studio. Duh. Back to the pressing issues, though, and Damon and Stefan abduct Lily on Thanksgiving with the intent to knock some sense into her about her abusive boyfriend. She resists, naturally. We do get some cute flashbacks to Kid Damon and Kid Stefan suffering at Giuseppe’s hands, though. Sadly, it isn’t James Remar. I guess they couldn’t afford him. Meanwhile, Bonnie and Enzo find a mysterious sword that has a connection to the Phoenix Stone, and apparently can kill vampires. Enzo tries using it on Julian (after luring Julian into accepting a challenge to a duel. Because why not?), but it turns out Lily linked her life to Julian’s, and the brothers Salvatore have to put a stop to that shit. Except Damon kind of does try to kill Julian, knowing it would also kill Lily. Rough. Luckily (?), the sword isn’t at operating capacity right now, and nobody dies. Aww. But Lily, horrified that Julian would so rashly fight a battle to the death when he knew her life would be on the line, too, overcomes her slightly smaller horror at Damon’s murderousness and joins forces with her sons against Julian. Meanwhile, Caroline can’t get a pregnancy test to confirm her buns in the oven, but Ginger siphons out a cloaking spell that proves yep, they’re in there. And Matt finds scores more people around Mystic Falls just sitting around and getting fattened up. At Caroline’s request, Ginger helps some of them escape, but Scary Spice rains on their parade.

If you’re a character on The Vampire Diaries who can’t talk, then you’ve gotta double down on being a plot obstruction.

This episode doesn’t have the focused drive of last week. The central plotline of Lily’s abduction is competent as a TVD caper, but the deployment of redundant flashbacks bogs it down too much.

And Enzo and Julian’s duel goes on for way too long. You two are in a fucking forest. Snap off a branch and get it done. I could forgive Enzo because he wanted to use the Phoenix Sword, but Julian is not only an evil monster, but he’s a Phoenix Stone-crazy evil monster. Put down the cutlass and stake something.


Why I hate this episode:

The fact that Julian and Lily are arbitrarily linked is just groan-worthy. The only positive is that it precipitates Lily’s defection to Team Salvatore when she gets pissed off about Julian’s recklessness with her life.

But I don’t expect that to hold. One brief trip down memory lane shouldn’t be enough to get Lily to change teams. The vagueness of her “I’ve got a plan” proclamation backs me up. She didn’t say she wants to kill him. She just has a “plan.” It’s so exhausting. Every character on this show (except Matt, I think?) is a prolific murderer. Just slaughter everyone in your way and shut up. Shit.

Caroline calls Ginger in to siphon the human cattle of their compulsion. If Ginger is so ready to siphon when beckoned, then why hasn’t anyone asked her to siphon the Sleeping Beauty spell out of Elena?

Scary Spice needs to play his backstory card or fuck off.

The trap in the flash forward is stupidly obvious.

Enzo and Julian’s entire tussle is a pathetic dick-measuring contest. And they chuck in a conspicuously high amount of very close face-to-faces. Just kiss, already.

Lily tries to win favour with her sons by saying that she chose to stay under Giuseppe’s thumb because she a) didn’t want him to take them away from her, as he’d threatened; and b) wanted to protect them. Which is why she fucked them off in a heartbeat after becoming a vampire instead of using her vampire powers to save her sons from their Satan of a father?

Oh, and Enzo decides it’s time to get over Lily now that she’s made it clear she’s only got eyes for Julian. What kind of tortured love is that? Get that rationality out of our vampire soap opera. You’ll start giving the other characters sensible ideas.


But it’s not all bad:

I’m sure Enzo’s erection will point back Lily’s way once he finds out she’s given up on Julian. They should bang at least once, in my opinion. To justify all the effort wasted on this bizarre Pair the Spares relationship.

But Lily better watch out, because Bonnie is creeping up. She helps him find the Phoenix Sword (in Six’s car, if you’re playing at home), and Matt even acts disgusted at Bonnie for happily spending time with Enzo. A criticism from Matt is an endorsement in my book. Matt never likes anything cool.

The human cattle subplot seems to be the most promising one. It turns out the people aren’t having their blood drained as I assumed. They’re being fed and watered. Whatever for? And everyone is still assuming Julian is behind it, but I must again point out that I don’t think he would have had time to set that all up. Maybe Scary Spice won’t turn out to be so sympathetic after all? If we can have evil lesbians, then why not evil mutes, no?

Matt also mentions that, because Bonnie is a dirty Enzo-lover, he’s going to seek help from Jeremy and Tyler, instead. They were due the lip service.

Alaric’s heartbreak at the initial negative pregnancy tests is surprisingly affecting. Alaric’s lost so much over the course of TVD. I feel for him.

Enzo and Julian’s homoerotic duel is delicious.

Damon’s apathy towards killing Lily is such a delight. He doesn’t give a fuck that killing Julian would mean Lily’s death, and gladly impales Julian with the Phoenix Sword. It’s a shame it didn’t work. Bonnie finds a book that says it needs to be properly linked to the Phoenix Stone or something. And I also assume this is the sword Florence was talking about last episode.

Damon nabs himself the episode’s best line when our ever so forgiving Stefan is trying to vouch for Lily. Damon isn’t having it, baby: “Our mother faked her death, left her sons behind, started a new family, and went out of her way to forget us forever.” Yep.

Giuseppe is cartoonishly evil. He does the ‘ol “stub out a cigar on your son’s arm” punishment when Damon confesses to stealing money. And he makes Damon kill and eat his pet turkey for Thanksgiving. Now that’s a villain we can rely on. None of this Heretic shit.

It also turns out that Lily is the one who stole the money, and she didn’t stop Giuseppe from maiming her son. I still see the flicker of supervillain potential in you, Lily. Never give up.

Conversely, Lily could end up being the emotional centre of this current arc. She does a believable job selling it so far.

Oh, and Enzo lends himself to a sexy callback:

TVD Mommie Dearest Enzo Julian duel

Yeah, let Julian stick his “sword” in your face.

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About ijusthateeverything

Sincerity is death.

4 responses to “The Vampire Diaries Season 7 Episode 7 – TV Review”

  1. Linda says :

    WTF happened to this show? I honestly thought Elena was the problem, but the writers are no longer able to make any of the characters likable. The actor who plays Stephan seems to have checked out completely.

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