The Vampire Diaries Season 7 Episode 6 – TV Review

TVD Best Served Cold Caroline pregnant

TVD is making Twilight feel quickly paced. Which is almost impossible to believe.

Yes, The Vampire Diaries is finally making the textbook teen soap opera play of having a pregnancy arc.

But sorry, Ginger. It’s not you.

It’s Caroline and Alaric, of course. Who else would it be?

TL;DR Caroline is magically carrying Jo’s twins; Not-Jo deteriorates and dies; Stefan and Damon clash over differing philosophies on how Julian should be murdered; Lily inexplicably finds a maternal bone in her body for her Salvatore sons; Julian is suffering from Phoenix Stone madness.

Gosh, is there a non-insanity-inducing way to resurrect someone on a CW show?

The major plot this week is an embarrassingly contrived conflict between Stefan and Damon over their plans for killing Julian. Stefan wants to kill Julian immediately, and a party Lily is hosting is the perfect opportunity. Damon is intent on letting Lily enjoy some time with Julian before killing him, and the two brothers bitch and moan at each other, which unsurprisingly leads to neither of them killing Julian. Once Stefan reveals his pancaked Ginger baby secret to Damon, Damon then comes on board for the “kill him now” plan. Meanwhile, Not-Jo finds out Jo’s human body can’t support the life force of a vampire soul, and quickly starts dying. Alaric says some tearful farewells to his surrogate wife, and that’s that. She’s not the only surrogate, though: Ginger deduces that Caroline has been magically implanted with Jo’s twins due to a spell the dying Gemini coven witches performed at the wedding. The flash forwards also note that Alaric is now engaged to Caroline three years in the future. Ew. Meanwhile in the present, Bonnie and Matt discover some kind of macabre blood farm at the high school; Sporty and Baby return to their bickering; and Julian admits to Lily that his brain is a bit scrambled from living in Phoenix Stone Hell. But she forbids him from harming Stefan and Damon.

That’s her job, baby.

This is a pretty textbook episode of The Vampire Diaries. There’s a tangible A-plot: in this case, the struggle between Stefan and Damon on how to kill Julian. And we have all our supporting characters circling the drama to keep their own wheels turning. So it’s hard to fault it for aiming for par.

But fuck that magical pregnancy bullshit.

 

Why I hate this episode:

Season 7 seems determined to undermine the glory of Kai’s reprehensibility. First, Lily took credit for the Sleeping Beauty idea. And now he’s had his double baby kill stripped away by a spell we didn’t know about until now. Kai is the best thing to happen to this show since the Originals first came to town. Stop violating his legacy, TVD.

And Caroline and Alaric are engaged to be married in the flash forwards? He was her teacher. Yuck. I thought the Bonnie/Enzo pairing was ridiculous. This is just straight-up ascended fanfiction. Is EL James on the writing staff?

While I appreciate that the Not-Jo subplot was so efficiently snuffed out (because it was a melodramatic bore), its seeming uselessness to everything else just serves to highlight what a waste of time it was. I suspect TVD wanted to give Jodi Lyn O’Keefe a nice send-off. But I can’t think of any better way to go than to be stabbed through your back while twin-pregnant at your wedding altar by the greatest TVD villain other than Katherine. That’s the ideal. Not this “I know I’m not your wife but you can say goodbye to me” waffle.

Julian’s gonna have to craze it up if he hopes to impress with his Phoenix Stone madness. The height of his mania is apparently that he wants to fight people who are trying to kill him. Woah, go easy there, buddy. Sara Lance could give him some tips.

Lily’s sudden desire to see Stefan and Damon unharmed comes out of nowhere. The episode tries to explain it away with her endless quest to find peace, which would include not murdering her sons. The sons who, just a few months ago, she didn’t give one shit about. And with whom she hasn’t spent any meaningful time since. And who she has replaced with her own family of many more years.

Sporty and Baby’s tension is back, despite the apparent resolution we got at the Halloween party. Shut up, you two.

Oh, and Stefan is still super upset about this dead baby of his. He even has a soppy dream about bonding with his young son. I’m not buying it.

 

But it’s not all bad:

I imagine he and Ginger will be totes lime green jelly over the fact that Caroline gets to have two babies that she didn’t even know about. And I relish their pain.

Yes, the pregnant elephant in the room is the wackjob decision to have Caroline be carrying Jo and Alaric’s twins. Ginger catches the end of the wedding video that Alaric has been watching (he never could get past the part where his wife is brutally murdered. What a wuss, right?) and hears a spell being chanted in the background. She figures out that the Gemini coven transferred the babies to Caroline to save them for the future of the coven. Because twins are important, remember? See, Ginger? Just go and find some pregnant bitch and magic her baby into yourself. Easy.

Stefan and Damon’s squabbling over who gets to kill Julian is classic TVD. And Damon does eventually abandon his stupid idea to wait. With Lily’s declaration that Julian not harm her boys, killing Julian should be a breeze. And he’s not even a Heretic, so he can’t fight them with magic. Git ‘er done, fellas.

Bonnie and Matt (Matt particularly) pretend to be relevant by following a compelled guest from the peace party who is seeking out the high school. They find a classroom of compelled people sitting and letting their blood be drained. I’d say Julian is responsible, but I don’t think he’s been out of the Phoenix Stone long enough to put that together. And Scary Spice can’t talk, which I imagine makes compulsion difficult. Maybe Lily is running an ethical blood farm?

The Sporty/Baby stuff is identical to their conflict from the Halloween party episode (Baby is modern; she doesn’t like Sporty’s boring clothes), so that’s no fun. But Julian does tempt a despondent Sporty into feeding on a maid (something Lily had forbidden). And it makes her horny for Baby. Mystic Falls has gotta take its gays where it can get them.

Not-Jo, whose real name she remembers to be Florence, recalls the peculiar way in which she died: a woman pierced her heart with a sword. A metal sword. She wonders how a non-wooden piercing of the heart managed to kill her vampire self. My New Villain alarm is sounding.

Bonnie gets handsy with Enzo at the party to make Lily jealous. It works.

Julian is pretty hawt.

Oh, and Enzo, too, is insanely good-looking at the party.

TVD Best Served Cold Enzo party hot

But only almost, you beautiful time sink.

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About ijusthateeverything

Sincerity is death.

4 responses to “The Vampire Diaries Season 7 Episode 6 – TV Review”

  1. Sire says :

    1. Alaric and Caroline are freaking GROSS… he’s always been some sort of paternal figure to these eternal teenagers… even more unbelievable than Bonzo (I’m calling them that)
    2. Lily sucks, I can’t wait for her to die
    3. The Heretics are too lame… they were supposed to be notable mass murderers
    4. It still baffles me why on Earth did the producers think getting rid of Kai was a good idea…. But then again, they got rid of Katherine so they must probably hate awesome characters. Picture Kai as a sort of Spike in Buffy the Vampire Slayer: still evil and fabulous, but wrecking havoc with the rest of the gang…. Endless witty exchanges between him an Bonnie… God, he was so hot

    • ijusthateeverything says :

      I can kind of understand the show having to kill off Kai. He was utterly, irredeemably evil. And his actor has been shipped off to that new quarantine show on the CW, so maybe that’s another reason why they had to get rid of him.

      But you’re right about the Heretics. They were built up as these prolific mass murderers, but now they’re all dead baby sob stories and gay angst. The Originals had the decency to at least beat up Elena every now and then.

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