The Vampire Diaries Season 7 Episode 5 – TV Review

TVD Live Through This Bonnie Damon drinking

But, sadly, Damon and Bonnie will not be paired up.

No, you legacy Bonnie/Damon shippers will have to settle for Mystic Falls’ newest WTF relationship (in the flash forward, anyway): Bonnie and Enzo.

Goddammit, Bonnie. We all know Enzo is destined to finally get all up in Caroline. Stefan clearly can’t hold onto a woman, so it’s inevitable.

Get your witch butt out of the way.

TL;DR Stefan and Damon team up with Ginger Spice to prevent Julian’s return; they fail; the Phoenix Stone turns out to be a transport vessel for mouldy vampire souls, so Jo and Six aren’t really Jo and Six after all; Damon vows new revenge on Lily.

Just fucking kill her. For fuck’s sake.

So the major plot this week concerns Lily’s quest to get her dear Julian back. Ginger races to reach him first, and it turns out that he’s actually been dead for ages and has been magically preserved for future resurrection. Which is why Lily needed the Phoenix Stone. Damon and Stefan confront Ginger about why she killed Six, and she convinces them to join her in burning Julian’s body. They reach Julian, but Lily and the Heretics catch up to them, defeat Ginger and the boys, and return to Mystic Falls. Meanwhile, Bonnie seeks out Six to research the effects of Phoenix Stone resurrection, but thanks to a tip from Ginger (relayed by Damon) and some firsthand observations of Six, it turns out the Phoenix Stone is merely a carry case for the souls of some dead vampires, and Six and Jo were implanted with a random soul each; they were not resurrected. Ouch. Bonnie loses the Phoenix Stone while she and Enzo are struggling to fight off Six (Enzo eventually stakes him), and Lily is able to bring Julian back to life because his soul was one of the souls in the stone. Lucky him. Meanwhile, Alaric spends time trying to get “Jo” to remember who she was. He is crushed by the truth about the Phoenix Stone, but pledges to help Not-Jo live the new life she’s been given. And Ginger reveals her baby business to Stefan, and it looks like TVD really is going to make her a legitimate contender for Stefan’s heart.

I told you he couldn’t keep a woman. Pack your shit, Caroline.

So it’s another episode, and another Heretic death. Well, Six’s second death, that is.

Which keeps the “why don’t you just kill them all?” suggestion at the front of my mind.

I can see why Stefan might want to spare Ginger, and maybe Lily. But Damon and Bonnie don’t give a shit about them.

Put some back into it, team. These bitches ain’t no Originals. You don’t need an invinci-stake or linking ritual. Just let the hearts fly.


Why I hate this episode:

TVD seems to keep forgetting that we were explicitly told of how the Heretics as a collective were prolific serial killers pre-prison world. We were told their victims were in the thousands. Stefan and the Originals at least have the decency to be periodically tortured by their past transgressions (season 2 of The Originals devoted an entire arc to Elijah for that). The only thing Ginger seems to care about is moaning over her squashed baby. Sporty, Baby, Scary, Lily, and, given his reputation, Julian, don’t have any qualms about mass murder. I don’t feel sorry for any of them.

Ginger being the exception there isn’t a good thing. Her “mah baby” backstory revelation to Stefan is confirming Caroline’s worry that Stefan will become involved with her again. Despite, as I’ve mentioned, that they had sex one time many, many decades ago. Come on, Stefan. You’re better than that. Do it for Caroline.

Damon’s new plan to hurt Lily is to allow her to resurrect and reunite with Julian. He wants her to be happy again so that he can then kill Julian and make the trauma of his death even more potent. Or you could just kill him and her right now?

Damon’s anger is spurred on by the revelation that Lily was the engineer of Kai’s plan to use a Sleeping Beauty spell on Elena. Cunt, you better not be taking cred from my Kai. Step off, Lily.

Also, I’m yet to hear a good reason why that spell can’t be siphoned out by a kindly (or under duress) Heretic. Ginger seems like she’d be up for it.

The flash forward shows Bonnie in some kind of psychiatric care facility. She whines in a group therapy session about how she made a mistake and lost someone she loved. That someone likely isn’t Enzo, though, as he sneaks in to see her and they kiss feverishly. Ew.

Oh, and Alaric is so whipped that he’ll not only let a strange vampire live inside his wife’s body, but that he’ll also stay around her to torment himself. I don’t dig it.


But it’s not all bad:

Not-Jo seems like a cool chick, for what it’s worth.

The devastating truth about the Phoenix Stone creates some commendable emotional tension. Once Damon finds out from Ginger, he calls Bonnie to inform her. But not only to inform her: he begs her to be the one to break the news to Alaric. Damon can’t handle crushing Alaric so brutally. Bonnie agrees, and later binge drinks to work up the courage to do it. And she does. I appreciated that it wasn’t just brushed off as a “whatever/magic be weird.”

As for Not-Six, he isn’t the fun-loving frat boy that Six was. He doesn’t appreciate everyone asking him questions he can’t answer and has a freak out on Ezno and Bonnie wherein he realises he has witch powers. Enzo and Bonnie’s Oh Crap moment is delightful.

Enzo and Bonnie get up to some quality hate-flirting during her visit to the Salvatore house. And they look out for each other, which is sho shweet. After Bonnie leaves, Enzo battles Not-Six for the Phoenix Stone (I think Not-Six wants it so that nobody can put him back in there), and Enzo stakes him dead. See, team? If Enzo can do it, anyone can.

Enzo implores Lily not to resurrect Julian, both because it will bring out her evil side, and because Enzo wants her romantically. He explicitly forces Lily to choose, and she chooses Julian. Burn. Come over to Team Damon, Enzo. Bonnie and Damon are already on it, and three certified Heretic-killers is better than two. Now we just need Ginger to formally accept membership, and the entire Heretic-killing dream team will be ready to roll.

I’m not awarding a best line this episode, but Enzo does refer to Heretic magic as “malarkey.” I get it.

Ginger spits on Julian’s body when she and the boys first find it. I lol’d.

Oh, and I still find everything Heretic to be fantastically dumb. But it’s fun to watch.

TVD Live Through This Julian resurrection

Julian’s so sexy that even the lesbians can’t keep their hands off him. Which is what I’m sure he’d like to think.

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About ijusthateeverything

Sincerity is death.

4 responses to “The Vampire Diaries Season 7 Episode 5 – TV Review”

  1. Lydia says :

    This writers probably play spin the bottle to decide which character should hook up next, tbh

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