The Vampire Diaries Season 7 Episode 3 – TV Review

TVD Age of Innocence Damon shirtless

“The Damon Hotness Parade” just doesn’t feel the same, you know?

And so it begins. Just like the worst parts of the Twilight movies, we must endure period flashbacks to the previous lives of the resident vampire family.

And we already did that (and are still doing that, dammit) with the Original vampires.

I told you the Heretics were just lousy knock-offs.

TL;DR Most of the episode is spent on how Stefan and Ginger Spice met and had sex one time back in the day; Damon leads Bonnie and Alaric in pursuit of the Sixth Ranger; Lily apparently has some meanie vampire boyfriend named Julian; Caroline is jealous of Stefan’s one night stand with Ginger from a century and a half ago.

Caroline isn’t the queen of priorities. Unless it comes to party planning.

So it’s time to pull some serious flashback duty, and the tale of Ginger’s fateful encounter with Stefan in 1863 is related by Stefan to Lily, and Ginger to Caroline. Lily had sent Ginger to go check up on Stefan and see if he was getting along in life or whatever. So, naturally, Ginger immediately hopped on his dick, lied to Lily that Stefan was fine with Lily’s “death” (even though he wasn’t), and, to top it off, got pregnant. Julian, Lily’s evil boyfriend, was onto Ginger’s shit, though, and gave her a very old fashioned abortion against her will to ensure she wouldn’t leave Lily’s troupe. Meanwhile, Damon, Bonnie, and Alaric go after the Sixth Ranger Heretic, despite Bonnie finding out and being pissed off that Alaric didn’t destroy the Phoenix Stone. They track down Six, who is actually a party hard frat boy type. He’s on a mission to find and retrieve Julian, but isn’t planning on returning to the family himself. Six momentarily steals the Phoenix Stone, but Team Damon subdues him. Their plans to hold Six for ransom go awry when Ginger secretly shows up and murders him, though. Meanwhile, Lily releases Caroline arbitrarily. And in a flash forward, Stefan futilely calls Tyler so Tyler will warn Caroline about whoever/whatever is after them.

For fuck’s sake, Tyler. Just one episode after I pleaded for you not to return, and here you are.

This episode is a split between fun, plot-forward scheming with Team Damon, and obnoxiously dull reminiscence with the Stefan/Ginger stuff.

Ginger boldly proclaims that she was Stefan’s first love.

Um, no, cunt. You were his first dick cozy. You will never, ever be Katherine.

Step. Off.


Why I hate this episode:

The Heretics are so quickly having their badassitude eroded that it’s becoming hard to see how they could have ever been considered a threat, let alone legitimate villains. Two of them are dead now, and through pathetically easy methods. Like I said after Posh’s death, our heroes should just go quickly rip the hearts of the rest of them and be done with it. You kids kill people all the time, so it’s not like it’s a conscience thing.

And Ginger’s little attempt to salvage her slutty douchebaggery with the “I was pregnant and now am sad because I never got to play Happy Families with Stefan” excuse is laughable. Ginger banged her mother figure’s teenage son (oh, and like we’re supposed to buy Paul Wesley as a teenager anymore? If ever?) when her mission was merely to observe and report. Ew, honey. He’s like your brother.

Ginger gets an emotionally charged scene later in the episode where she sits down with Stefan and reveals all about the pregnancy and how Julian beat it out of her. This almost worked, but then TVD had to try to pull even harder on the heartstrings by revealing that Ginger had cloaked herself, so Stefan didn’t hear it all. Omg, so tragic. But not.

Oh, and Caroline’s jealous reaction to Stefan’s past with Ginger is retarded. It’s bad enough that Ginger thinks their one night together was a big fucking deal, but we don’t need Caroline giving it more validity. Stefan has literally never mentioned her for the past six seasons, Caroline. I think you’ll be good.


But it’s not all bad:

If you ignore the fact that Ginger is a notorious mass murderer from a troupe of mass murderers, then I suppose you could feel a little sympathy for her. She relates how, after Julian bashed her baby out and brought her back into the family fold with Lily, she committed suicide. Luckily (or was it?), she had Lily’s blood in her system from when Lily helped fix her up, so she was reborn as the first Heretic.

Ginger goes some way to redeeming herself for all the mushy mumbo jumbo when, at the end of the episode, she tracks down and murders Six. You work, gurl. She claims that she’s doing it to prevent Six from retrieving Julian, because she doesn’t want to be anywhere near that monster again. I can’t wait to meet him properly.

The best parts of the episode revolve around Team Damon’s hunt for Six. Without Elena around to continually drag him down, Damon is more fun these days. And watching Damon on a road trip with his feuding best friends is a blast. It also doesn’t hurt that they’re pretty competent when it comes to catching Heretics.

Bonnie and Alaric get into a bit of strife when Bonnie finds out Alaric totally didn’t destroy the Phoenix Stone. This is exacerbated when Bonnie requests a friendly Six to siphon the Phoenix Stone visions out of her. Six recognises what the visions are from, and then knocks out Team Damon and steals the stone.

Thankfully, that afore-mentioned competence kicks in and by Team Damon’s powers combined, they manage to subdue Six, recover the Phoenix Stone, and call Lily in for their ransom demand for Elena’s return.

Bonnie even comes around on the Phoenix Stone. While she is quick to remind Alaric that the Other Side is gone and resurrection should be impossible, Alaric knows that the stone works in at least some capacity, and Bonnie agrees to help him however she can. Given the kind of deus ex machinas Bonnie has been able to pull off in the past, I like Alaric’s odds on this one.

Lily releases Caroline after Caroline shows Lily Stefan’s journals about how he loved and missed her and stuff. I’m just glad Caroline can throw off the shackles of Damsel in Distress oppression. And get back to this promised love triangle between her, Enzo, and Lily.

Like Ginger was sent by Lily to observe Stefan, Six was sent to Damon back in 1863, too. Sadly, he did not take Damon’s virginity and get pregnant, but he did convince him to desert from the South during the civil war, which saved Damon’s life. Thanks, Six. You will be remembered. But your actual name will not.

Stefan and Lily do a little bit of bonding. This is a good sign that maybe Lily could turn on her Heretic troupe.

Oh, but Damon doesn’t do himself any favours in getting back into Mummy’s good books.

TVD Age of Innocence Damon ransom call

He’s a crazy man!

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About ijusthateeverything

Sincerity is death.

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