The Vampire Diaries Season 7 Episode 2 – TV Review

TVD Never Let Me Go Enzo Lily flirt

Lock down that dick now, Lily! Do what Caroline never could.

Enzo doesn’t want to be one of Lily’s Heretic children.

Because he wants to bang Lily.

Caroline really missed her window on this one.

TL;DR Enzo and the Heretics hold Caroline hostage while the rest of the gang scrambles to save her; they fail; Lily and the Heretics also steal Elena’s coffin and hold it hostage; Damon resolves to continue fucking with them, anyway; Alaric’s little jewel thing can resurrect the dead; Caroline is not engaged to Stefan in the flash forwards.

Maybe Enzo finally got it in?

So Lily and the Heretics aren’t super happy about Posh Spice’s killing last episode, and Enzo brings an abducted Caroline to them. Caroline endures some minor torture and mean girl-ing while Stefan, Damon, Matt, and Bonnie hatch a plan to rescue her (which deliciously includes having to stop Matt’s heart for a while and nearly killing him for good). Stefan manages to get inside Salvatore house and reunite with Caroline, but the Heretics transfer ownership to a random human maid and Stefan is ejected. Meanwhile, Lily decides to punish Damon for murdering Posh Spice by stealing Elena from her crypt and hiding her. Instead of abiding by Lily’s demand to fuck off or else she’ll hurt Elena, Damon instead decides he’ll try to find the mystery sixth Heretic who we haven’t seen yet. Meanwhile, Bonnie refuses to help Alaric experiment with the Phoenix Stone, that little jewel thing we saw last episode, after it gives her visions of death. So Alaric just puts that shit on a dead body and watches its magic bring it back to life. And Enzo sexually advances upon a very, very thirsty Lily.

And the flash forwards show a not-engaged-to-Stefan Caroline getting attacked by an offscreen assailant.

I would have been naive to think Elena wouldn’t continue to cast a wide, boring shadow over TVD, despite Nina Dobrev’s departure.

But I still had hopes, you know?

Way to dash them, TVD.


Why I hate this episode:

I fucking you told you guys last season that the Heretics could siphon the magic out of the spell keeping Elena’s crypt safe. Like, duh. Now all we need is for one of them to want a mortal life and suck Elena dry, and my prophecy will have been exactly fulfilled.

Speaking of the rules of magic, TVD seems to have arbitrarily changed how being uninvited inside a premises works. In season 2 we saw that when undaggered inside a home owned by someone who hadn’t invited him in, Elijah got all messed up and started suffocating until he found his way outside. But this episode, Stefan and Caroline, once the Salvatore house changes owners, get pushed outside by a mystical force. Stefan gets sucked out a window, while Caroline starts getting pulled down the stairs. It’s dangerous to change the rules, TVD. It doesn’t inspire confidence.

The major aspect of the Caroline rescue mission is that Matt apparently owns the Salvatore house, which is why Bonnie needs to stop his heart (so Stefan and Damon can get inside without needing to be invited by Matt). TVD tries to hand-wave this away by saying the Heretics at some point bled the vervain out of Matt’s system, made him sign the deed, and then compelled him to forget. That’s a pretty big fucking thing to just chuck in there with a bit of throwaway dialogue from Bonnie. Also, wouldn’t it have been easier to just take Matt through the tunnels, have him walk over the threshold into the land of the Salvatore house, and then just tell Stefan he’s invited? Did we really need Bonnie to temporarily kill Matt for this plan?

Matt also doesn’t die for good, which is another bad thing about the plan.

And with literally any human in the world at their disposal, the Heretics choose the one human around Mystic Falls who is friends with their enemies to own the house? Come on, guys.

The Phoenix Stone is a plot-convenient shit weasel. I don’t approve of it.

Ginger Spice flirts with Enzo. Bitch, he’s already got Caroline and Lily on his shipping plate. We don’t need you.

The Heretics all whine about how they have so much grief over Posh Spice’s death. You guys didn’t even like him. Stop trying to earn sympathy points.

Oh, and Caroline is upset to hear a passage from one of Stefan’s journals that details how he met and was smitten with Ginger Spice one time back in the day. Didn’t Stefan destroy all his journals? And seriously, Caroline. Priorities, please.


But it’s not all bad:

Tied-up Caroline provides some of the better scenes of the episode. Sporty Spice forces Caroline to watch and help evaluate a dress choice for Baby Spice to wear to Posh’s funeral. It’s extremely old fashioned, which causes Caroline to giggle, embarrassing Baby and making Sporty angry. Caroline manages to recover and suggests they go find some of Elena’s old dresses to wear. Always the party planner, our Caroline.

Ginger isn’t a fan of Sporty and Baby, so she sneaks in to see Caroline and badmouths them to her. She fucks with Sporty by putting a spell on Caroline’s body that burns Sporty when she touches her. Handy, huh?

In a juicy development, that spell seems to affect all vampires, as Stefan is unable to touch Caroline without being burnt, too. That should make vag-to-dick contact pretty uncomfortable.

Ginger also has a go at flirting with Enzo.

And Baby ends the episode by telling Caroline that Ginger is the worst of all the Heretics. It’s always the boring ones.

While the decision to stop Matt’s heart to get around the invitation dilemma is amusingly unnecessary, I’ll take any opportunity to see Matt in his death throes. Bonnie is prevented from bringing him out of the heart-stopping spell by flashes from the Phoenix Stone that incapacitate her. Matt ends up fine. For now.

Bonnie demands Alaric destroy the Phoenix Stone after she has her initial encounter with its Event Horizon-esque visions, but he wants that zombie wife of his back, honey. He tests the stone on a cadaver (I presume at Whitmore), and rests it on them. The cadaver wakes up, Alaric, panicked, removes the stone, and they go back to being dead. I guess he could surgically insert it into Jo or something. That would work, right?

I’m proud that the Heretics did exactly what magic-siphoning villains should do and abduct Elena. Lily informs Damon that she’s cloaked the coffin, and if he ever wants to see Elena again that he needs to get the fuck away from her and her family. Smart.

Damon being Damon, of course, decides to instead press on with his harassment of Chez Heretique and brings up the fact that Lily always spoke of having six children in her Heretic family. We’ve only seen the five Spice Girls so far, which means the Sixth Ranger must be hidden away somewhere.

Tyler is mentioned to be off with Jeremy, which is why Stefan and Damon can move into the Lockwood mansion. Please don’t come back soon, Tyler. If at all.

Flash Forward Caroline is teased to be engaged to Stefan, but then she goes on about how she never wants to see him again. This becomes unimportant when she is attacked while on her goddamn job as a news show producer.

There are two ways I think Enzo’s sudden flirtation with Lily could go. Firstly, is that he’s just normal old hot for her, and she looks pretty good for her age, so I don’t blame him. But, given his discomfort at Caroline’s torture, I think he’s just playing the long con on her so he can eliminate Lily and the Heretics. If anyone is going to villainously annoy the Salvatore brothers and interfere with Caroline, it’s him, dammit. I approve.

Oh, and I think Sporty Spice might have been intending for Caroline to poo-poo Baby’s old timey dress choice. See? Gay people can be arseholes, too.

TVD Never Let Me Go Sporty Spice lesbian

But only vicious lipstick lesbians. The CW is no place for bulldykes.

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About ijusthateeverything

Sincerity is death.

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