I Don’t Care Anymore: The Bachelor Australia 2015 Premiere Week – Blog
I lost interest in The Bachelor Australia last year. Mostly because Blake was a butterface with a pinched arsehole for a mouth. I fast forwarded a lot of rose ceremonies last year.
This year, I’m already fast forwarding through the dates.
But hey, The Bachelor Australia is tradition at I Just Hate Everything.
I’ve started out the last couple of seasons by trying to have something relevant to say about The Bachelor Australia. But I don’t think Channel 10 even cares anymore. It’s 100% stagnant, but that’s what draws viewers, apparently. If only it were that easy for Big Brother.
What I will say is that Sam, while shredded as fuuuuck, has one of those Chris Pine faces. You know, where on some angles he’s spunky, but then on others he looks like a slasher movie villain.
But you didn’t come here, nor do you watch The Bachelor, to critique a man’s handsomeness. No, bitch. You came to bash and judge women, dammit. And that’s one of my specialties.
Favourite: Jacinda, 33
Jacinda just seems like a really cool chick. Her selfie at the limo greetings was pretty embarrassing, but she followed up solidly with the butt shot (and let’s be honest, every part of Sam’s body is more attractive than his face). She keeps the momentum going when she enjoys Sandra and Reshael’s fight later on (the popcorn mime was ace), and she isn’t a total brat during the magazine photoshoot.
I got a little bit worried when she had her big cry and self-confidence crisis. But I think it was likely just a ploy for her to show some vulnerability. And get some attention from Sam. At least she isn’t a quivering waif all the time.
Sandra is the perfect car crash contestant. She’s mildly heavier than the other girls; she’s a PE teacher; and she is desperate with a capital “I want the D.” Sandra hasn’t got a hope in hell of winning, but goddamn, we need to keep her drunk, confrontational ass around for as long as possible, please. The way she managed to snowball a bitchy comment she made into a full blown fight with Reshael, who didn’t do anything, is promising.
As long as she stays liquored up, I think this show has a chance.
I didn’t like Heather’s remark about how men should be the ones who have agency when approaching women. And I didn’t like that she called Sam “dude.” But hey, throwing around “dude” didn’t hurt Samantha Frost’s winning chances last year. She still got the ring, baby. And her own show.
I grew to like Heather a bit more, though. She’s basically a lesser version of Jacinda. But with her self friend-zoning and internalised chauvinism, I can see a drama storm brewing within her.
Our token bogan and “I’m not like other girls” girl. This one couldn’t even keep a dress on for a few hours and had plain face. But what really pushed it over the edge for me was her little whinge during the photoshoot challenge about how she doesn’t like having her photo taken. I guess that explains why you wanted to be on a fucking TV show, then, doesn’t it? Dipshit.
Thankfully, Sam agreed, and Tessa’s already taken her flanno back home.
I originally pegged Emily as this year’s iteration of Laurina. She had all the hallmarks of The Professional: a woman over the age of 30 who is affluent and dignified. Sadly, she later showed herself to be petty and bitter when any of the other contestants got some Bachelor time. Laurina would be ashamed.
I thought Emily could be a diamond in a vast, vast rough. But it turns out she’s just a dirty street pie.
And that’s, unfortunately, it. I can barely remember the names of any of the other contestants. I don’t recall the groups from the previous two seasons being so homogenous.
And after watching UnREAL, a surprisingly fabulous new show on Lifetime of all places, The Actual Bachelor just doesn’t cut it, anymore.